How Do You Know?

How Do You Know?

December 31, 2012

You know that ability to read people in their actions, thoughts and responses. Well I wish I could turn that part of me off…

Most people would say it’s a good thing to be able to ‘read’ people, I on the other hand might have to disagree. It’s all fine and dandy when you can read someone when good things are happening, but when bad things are happening, well…it’s not so good. This is when someone can break your heart with one look or one off the cuff comment. You can look into their eyes and see to their soul. It’s as though they don’t want to do it but they know they have to. Deep down you know they have to as well but you’re not ready to hear it yet, I hate the way that makes me feel, so exposed, so vulnerable, so heartbroken. I just want to cry.

That’s when I wish I could just shut that part of my brain off for a little while and live in what I like to call ‘make believe land’. It seems like it would be nicer to be completely oblivious to people’s actions and thoughts. I know that there are many people who live this way; they just do not have a clue. You wonder how they can function in the ‘real world’ and how they can even tie their own shoelaces.  I guess the benefit to this is that they do not experience the heartbreak or disappointment. They are just as surprised at the outcome as everyone else is, is this a better way to function?

I cannot say for sure either way, I guess that is just a part of being human but I could do without the hurt.

I Now Have a Dependant

I Now Have a Dependant

November 22, 2012

During this time in my life, not only was I going through the healing process of my 6-year relationship ending but I was also discovering that my mom was starting to need more care. My mom has always been a big part of my life; she has been a supporter of my choices and me. Since I have had some free time on my hands I have been spending, more time with her as her health has started to deteriorate and her needs are becoming larger.

Back in 2008, my mom suffered from a bowel blockage that she never really seemed to recover from. Turns out that there was some excess scar tissue that got stuck in her intestines and she then had some of her intestines removed to get rid of the blockage. She had lost quite a bit of weight quite quickly and her arthritis seemed to aggressively attack all of her joints.  After the surgery, she never fully recovered from it mentally and continued to be very tiny. We tried to get her weight back up to normal but everything we tried was just unsuccessful. As time went on, she continued to get worse and worse and was almost at the point where she was house bound.

This is where my free time and I come into play; I started to accompany her to all her appointments and increased my weekly visits to every other day. I noticed things that she use to be able to do she just was not able to muster the energy to get them done. Her spirits were still upbeat but she was not able to hide how she had deteriorated. The doctor appointments will continue and I have since gotten her some help around the house and a house cleaner. I do her shopping and go to hang out with her during the week and weekend. I pick up her laundry and bring it back to my place, I do her grocery shopping and I just do what I can for her.

The feeling to take care of her overwhelms me as I sometimes do not know where to begin and we are both learning what is going on with her and why her health has gone so downhill. I just hope that we can get her on the right track so that she is able to recover and move past all of this. I just keep telling her not to give up and to work hard. I just hope that I can find the strength to continue with this rollercoaster of emotions.

For now, all my focus and attention is on her and my break-up is on the backburner. I do what I can when I can. I guess things happen for a reason and maybe this free time that I have can be better spent taking care of my mama.

My New Whip!

My New Whip

October 26, 2012

It has been a few days now since I decided to buy myself a new toy, it was definitely NOT a necessity but a statement. What kind of statement you ask, well it was a statement of my independence of course. It has been a few months since I ended things with the Mr. and I have been on a journey of discovering who I am and where I am going. Don’t get me wrong, I am still the same person I was before. I am just a little more brave and gaining more confidence as I am forced to be a more independent person than I was before.

I have to say, I am really starting to come into my own and I like the person that I am becoming. I do things that I normally thought I could not do and I am actually enjoying doing them. I believe that this is part of my healing process; I know that they are all different for everyone but mine is a nice journey of discovery. Which leads me to the purchase of my new ride, at the time I was driving a very reliable and sturdy vehicle. It was a 1994 Toyota Camry; it was paid in full and running like a dream. As you can see, I did NOT need a new vehicle…I wanted a new vehicle.

I started my search like any new car buyer, I wanted everything. Problem was, I could not afford everything. I test drove so many new vehicles that I started to get discouraged that I was not going to find one. I discussed my problem with a co-worker who just happened to have a cousin working at a dealership and I decided why not, what could it hurt? To my amazement, I fell in love with the vehicle I test drove and decided right then and there that I was going to buy it. It is funny, as it did not have all the gadgets or upgrades that a new vehicle has. It had just want I wanted and needed at the time. After some thought, I realized that this was another step in my healing process and journey to independence. It wasn’t what the vehicle had, just that it fulfilled my need to buy it and say indirectly, “I don’t need you, and I can do this on my own”.

I get to pick it up in a few days and I can’t wait, as I am beyond excited. This is such an amazing step in my healing and growth, I can’t wait to see what awaits me even further down the road.

Lonely for a Reason

Lonely for a Reason

October 7, 2012

Talk about foreshadowing, I had a gander back on my previous blog posts and came across one titled  'Only the Lonely', link below.

http://lifeafter30withtan.blogspot.com/2012/02/only-lonely.html

 As I sit here alone in my empty house, I sit here and I try to fill the hours by going through all my forms of social media. It has been some time since I broke up with the Mr. and I am still trying to figure things out, he is not making it easy as he has gone MIA. I have not heard from him, despite my reaching out to him to try to sort things out. I may get the odd text here and there letting me know that he is stopping by the house but that is about it. My questions about selling the house, picking other things up and the dogs have all gone unanswered. I thought that the break-up might actually be handled in a more mature fashion but it turns out that he has decided to retreat to his parent’s cottage and stay silent. I can totally understand why and have pretty much concluded that I will be handling just about everything by myself. Part of me does not see that as too much of a problem though as I will not get push back from him and can make the decisions myself. I guess it is just a matter of starting the process of sorting, packing and labeling.

My post however is not about him and his lack of involvement; it is about how my previous post back in February conveyed the feeling of me being lonely despite being in a relationship. Looking back on it now, I can see that yes, I was lonely and not getting the support I needed from the person who was suppose to be closest to me. I chalked it up to my lack of friends but in reality, it was because I really was alone, despite my relationship status. I had no support, I had no guidance, and I had nothing. I was going through some significant changes at this point in my life and was questioning some things all the while I was doing it alone. He may have been there physically but he was not there for me emotionally and mentally. How could I not have recognized this? I guess that we look for a quick fix and reason of why we are feeling the way we feel. We sometimes don’t always want to face what we know is right in front of us, so we think of something else to avoid having to face the problem.

I look back at that post and think “Wow, I was feeling totally sh*tty”. However, I guess I had to go through those feelings to get where I am. I realize my posts going forward will have some emotion to them as I am still reeling from the break-up and most likely will for a while. As I said when I began this post, I am filling my time with social media outlets. I suspect that means I will have a lot to say most of the time. Let’s just hope it isn’t all negative.

I Can Stand on My Own Two Feet!

I Can Stand on My Own Two Feet!

September 24, 2012

Today was a very grueling day to say the least; it started like any other day except…I started my day by cutting the lawn. Let me go back a few steps and explain, as you are all aware the Mr. and I split 3 weeks ago. I have since been alone in the homestead and been the breadwinner, house cleaner, bill payer and maintenance person. I have been doing the normal things I use to do in the past, such as cleaning, cooking, and paying household bills. However since I have been alone, I have also been tasked with other things that were not in my realm of experience. Such as, changing a furnace humidifier filter, cleaning and organizing the garage and lastly yard work. The last one I have been avoiding as it has not been too bad and for the most part, there isn’t too much to do. I received a phone call from the Ex Mr. letting me know that he was going to stop by this past weekend to cut the lawn, as it needed to be done before winter sets in. I said no problem and ensured that I was not home when he was there so that he could do what he needed to and leave. When I got home on Sunday evening, I peeked outside and it looked like nothing was done. I sent a quick text to ask him if he was by and heard nothing back until the next morning at 6:00 AM. This is when I lost my sh*t, I sent him a text message back saying that I did not need him to come by and cut the lawn and that I would do it myself. I suspect the only reason that I was so upset is that he is the one who initially sent the text telling me that it needed to be done and he was going to come and do it. This was a common occurrence in our relationship and I think I had just had enough. Why send a text telling me this needed to be done and say you are going to come and do it and then you flake out? Like seriously?!?!

I immediately got up and sent a message to my boss that I was going to be late getting to work, as I had to cut my lawn. I was keeping my boss in the loop so he knew what was going on in regards to the Ex Mr. and me. His reply back to me was ‘Ok, see you when you get here’. So off to the shed I went to assess the situation of what I had and what I needed. From the looks of things, I had the gas, the bag and the lawnmower…what more did I need?  After pulling it all out of the shed, I adjusted the blade, hit the choke and pulled the cord…nothing. I hit the choke and pulled the cord again and, nothing. WTF, I thought. After some choice words and multiple pulls on the lawnmower, I finally got it started. I decided that it did not need to be pretty; it just needed to get done. I started on the outside of the yard and would work my way in, I did not make it very far though as the grass was longer than it looked and the bag needed to be emptied every couple of swipes. When we initially bought the house, we bought it for the yard size and as I continued to do laps of my yard and empty the bag…I was cursing this decision. It was great to play in and lay in the sun, but it was a real b*tch to mow. As I pushed that mower up and down the slope of the yard, I could feel my frustration going away. I did not realize how much of a stress reliever mowing the lawn was. I took a picture of the yard just before I finished to not only show the Ex Mr. that it was done but also to validate to myself that I could do things for myself and that I didn’t need to rely on anyone. I had no idea that cutting the lawn today was so symbolic to me in moving forward with my healing. I will always know that ‘cutting the lawn’ today means so much more than that. 

Not So Happily Ever After

Not So Happily Ever After

September 7, 2012

I called it quits with the Mr. after 6 years; I decided that this just was not working for me. It seems that we are not headed in the same direction and his goals changed a few years back. I did give it a valiant effort once I realized that our goals were not in alignment but it seems that just was not enough. I did the “breaking-up” part, I had just been asked to head out of town to play ball and I decided I would go. I stood up from the couch and said, “I don’t think this is working and I think we should break-up”. I looked at him and he said, “We should think about this”. I immediately bounded up the stairs and stopped halfway up and said, “I can’t as I’m heading out of town”.

Yes, I was a coward. Yes, I ensured that I was out of the house shortly after I dropped the bomb. Could I have done it better? Probably, as I have done it a few other times. Regardless, this is how I chose to do it and off I went to play ball and drink away my sorrows.

After the weekend and the time I had to think by myself, I questioned if I had done the right thing in breaking up with him. I arrived home to him sitting in the living room waiting for me, we exchanged pleasantries and then sat down and discussed ‘breaking up’. We were both uncertain if we wanted this to happen but we also agreed that we were both unhappy. Things had changed and we did not know what to do to get it back. Our conversation led us to a continual loop of unanswered questions so we decided to call it a night. The next day we went back to being ships in the night and no further conversations happened. It was a weird dynamic as we were still co-habitating and still eating dinner together but not talking or sleeping in the same room. A week or so passed and finally he stood up and said that he was going to the lake to stay there for a while and think about things and how he could repair what had been done and we will talk then. I wasn’t sure what to think about this as honestly I thought I had broken up with him and what was there to repair?

A week had gone by and I was not sleeping or eating. I was constantly worrying about how to separate things and what my next steps were. He did not make things easy by going rogue, I understand not wanting to talk but I did send him some text messages that went unreturned about what his thoughts were with selling the house etcetera. I was slowly but surely feeling better about my decision as I was alone and was able to think and see the benefit of being alone instead of just settling. Then unexpectedly, he showed up at the house. It was the Sunday of Thanksgiving weekend; he decided to take a chance that I would be at home. Yes, I was home…I was loading the empties to take back to the bottle depot. He came up to me, looked me straight in the eye, and said, “Yes, I think you’re right we do need to break-up”. Even though I was the one who initially broke up with him a few weeks prior, it was as though I was hearing it for the first time. We both stared at each other knowing that it was over; we embraced and cried, as we knew right there that it was over and this was our goodbye. This is the moment that I will remember the most with this break-up as we ended our long-term relationship the same way that we started it, as adults.

My hope is that we can stay this amicable and we each find someone that loves us as much as we love them. I know that we want the best for each other and maybe we will be one of those couples that will remain friends. For right now though, we need to wade through to see what our next steps are and go from there. If Mr. M ever reads this, I wish you well and thank you for being a part of my life for 6 years. You have taught me so much and I continue to strive to be a better person because of you. 

Where's the Taco Bell?

Today as I was on my way home from my mom's place today I was driving through the 'old neighbourhood' and thought I would stop off at the Taco Bell just around the corner.

To my dismay...when I actually turned the corner it was a Wok Box that was in front of me, not the familiar Taco Bell I had loved as a teenager. I came to a halt and was shocked to see that it was gone...I wasn't sure if I was more upset over the fact that I couldn't fill the craving I was having or the fact that I had so many memories in this place and it was gone.

Back in 1991 we had just gotten our first taste of Taco Bell; I'm not sure why but it took some time for the franchise to come to Canada but when it did...it was lined up out the door. I was in high school then and skipping school and eating crap food was not only a hobby but a lifestyle choice. LOL We would go there during school, after school and especially after the bars closed.

We would be "feeling good" after the bar closed but we weren't quite ready to go home yet...somehow we convinced our designated driver to go to Taco Bell. I don't know how we did it but we were able to convince him of how awesome the food was there and how fulfilled he would feel after eating there. Weekend after weekend we would end up there, it got to the point where the night staff actually knew what we wanted when we walked through the door. We'd sit there until they closed; which at that time was an unprecedented 3AM...no other place stayed open this late, how could we  not enjoy it?

As time went on and I got older, I frequented the Taco Bell less and less. But I always knew that it was there when I had that odd craving for it...until now.

I am a little sad that it's gone as it really was a great place to get that late night food and all of those memories with friends...ahhhh, I just can't see the Wok Box having the same affect on me...

Words for Thought...

I was sent this email today and found it very inspiring, I just wanted to share it with you...

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck

(written after she found out she was dying from cancer).

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the

earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the

day.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it

melted in storage.

I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was

stained, or the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and

worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a

fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble

about his youth.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a

summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and

more while watching life.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical,

wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said,

'Later... Now go get washed up for dinner.' There would have been

more 'I love you's, more 'I'm sorry's.'

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every

minute; look at it and really see it; live it and never give it

back.. STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!

Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's

doing what . Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have

with those who do love us...

How Do They Keep Up?

Now that I’ve immersed myself into the ‘blogging world’; I have decided to follow some very interesting blogs that I have stumbled upon. It is a very diverse list as there are many things that have attracted me to them; I can’t explain all of the reason or else we’ll be here all night.

There is one blog in particular that I follow and I find it very interesting as the blogger is very close with all of their college friends and they seem to get together a lot. At first I couldn’t figure it out and then realized that the blogger in question was only 25ish. I remember being 25 and always being with friends; it was a great time in my life. If only I had blogged about it eh?

Oh well, my loss. Anyhow the point I was trying to make was that I can’t for the life of me figure out how this blogger keeps up with everything that is going on in their lives. I mean I know when we were that age we were able to go on less sleep and just basically ‘give the world hell’. But this blogger is doing it all…literally.

Working (I think full time?); cooking home cooked meals (from scratch); hosting parties (a least once a month); decorating for every season (which is damn near impossible); dressing the part of successful businessperson; blogging (at minimum) once a week; on Pinterest; on Twitter, Facebook and Tumblr all while not gaining a pound and looking great doing it. Don’t forget continuing to keep up with the friendships, which has led this person to be in 8 different weddings. I must admit my wanting to be a bridesmaid jealousy is definitely raising it’s ugly head right now…but I’m more interested in how this person keeps up?

I not only want to know for pure curiosity’s sake; but so that I too can live the (what seems like) a very well organized life. I want to know the secret…I know in the movie ‘I Don’t Know How She Does It’ that there are faucets of her life that Sarah Jessica Parker’s character is missing out on. We get to see the downside of it, but with this blogger it just all seems so surreal.

I mean I know that in the blogging world we all try to show the world the best of our lives but really sometimes I would be nice to know that this person is real and that their whole life isn’t just a facade. I don’t mean to sound harsh I just want to know that someone that I’m following also deals with struggles (not enough time) like we all do out in the ‘real world’.

Do You Know What Your Dream Is?

I was watching television the other day when a commercial came on that had this little green box on it. You were supposed to reach into it and ‘your dream’ would show up for you…it could be a dream job, or retirement or helping a family member.

This got me to thinking, if given the opportunity would I know what my dream is? I can tell you that I thought long and hard about this one and to my surprise I couldn’t think of what it would be.

Then I started to wonder if anyone else would know what ‘their dream’ would be. I asked a few colleagues and a few friends and they answered me pretty darn quickly. I will admit I was surprised to hear them know exactly what they wanted. I asked the Mr. and he too also knew what he would do if given the opportunity…so why couldn’t I think of anything? Why was this task so hard for me?

As I continued to try and contemplate what my ‘dream’ would be I wondered if the fact that I am a very selfless person has anything to do with it. I am my mother’s primary care giver; I am the oldest child in the family…thereby ‘granting’ me (I am joking) the privilege of taking care of my younger siblings. I have been taking care of my family for as long as I can remember so me not knowing what I wanted to do for me really shouldn’t come as a shock to me.

I pondered this thought and have since convinced myself that this (selflessness) is why I don’t know what ‘my dream’ would be. I have never really taken care of myself and to this day still kind of don’t. I have improved to the point where I do take a few mental days here and there but again nothing substantial.

So can I get out of being this selfless person? Currently, no…like I said I take care of my mom who is more reliant on me than my other siblings. So I’m pretty much stuck like this until either she passes away (god forbid that happen) or she actually becomes self-reliant. She’s past the point where she can be so I’m pretty much stuck in this cycle.

So for now I will continue to watch these commercials and wonder if I will ever get to the point of knowing what ‘my dream’ is.

Words of Wisdom

I just finished reading the autobiography of Kris Jenner, the mom of televisions most famous (or infamous) family…the Kardashians. I have to admit it was a really good read, very light and there wasn’t any ‘fluff’. It made me realize a couple of things about this woman; 1) She’s a fighter that’s for sure and 2) She was born with a brain for business.

As I continued to read through all the different stages of her life I soon realized that she really has come a long way. I could read the changes in the person she had changed to once she had a taste of the money…that seems to happen to a lot of people. Fortunately for her, she was forced to rebuild herself and her family again. In doing that she had some very poignant quotes that I was hoping to share with you all as they really do hit home for me. So here they are and again these are all quotes taken directly from Kris Jenner’s autobiography; Kris Jenner and all things Kardashian.

• The power of friendship, the power of love, and the power of feeling complete.

This one really hits home for me as I continue to struggle with feeling like I am missing a few key friends in my life.

• I never knew my environment could have such a powerful impact on my happiness.

I’ve been saying this for years and I’m glad that there is someone else out there who feels the same way.

• Don’t ever discount your environment. Where you live, work and play have a powerful effect on your happiness & productivity.

Again another mantra that I live by and will continue to live by knowing that it’s perfectly normal.

• I have to have everything in my life completely organized and perfect – otherwise, I am a complete mess. I can’t think straight if my home isn’t just right. My environment is my energy. I thrive in order of what I create.

This one really stuck with me as I need to feel that same way in order to move on with projects etc.

Overall the book was an easy read and I would recommend it to people who just want something to “fill the void” of their normal genre of reading. The main reason for writing this blog was to share these very important quotes that I was able to pull out from the book and hopefully others can relate to them as well.

Who Keeps a New Year's Resolution?

We all know I seem to get the writing bug around the beginning of the year; if you look back at all of my ‘Resolutions’ blogs…I don’t know what it is, maybe I get cabin fever and just need to feel like I am accomplishing something. I don’t know, either way I’m wondering who keeps these silly resolutions anyway.

 I know last year or the year before I stated that I would make more realistic resolutions and I did. I was able to fulfill 85% of them; which is pretty amazing considering that 90% of the population breaks their resolutions within 2-3 days. Anyhow this year, I decided to write out another list of (realistic) resolutions to see if 1) They could make me a better person and 2) I could actually complete all of them at least partially. So here is my list of resolutions:

• Read a book once a month (notice I don't specify how big or what kind)
• Blog Regularly (again I don't say how often, I just say regularly
• Get onto Blogger and post old blogs - CHECK
• Get into a routine to touch up or paint my nails every week or two (again no set date)
• Get into a routine of washing my face, working up to every night
• Cook recipes from unused cookbooks that I have (again not how many times)
• Take daily vitamins - CHECK
• Learn more about digital photography

These all seem do able, I don’t think that they’ll be too hard to keep; I like how I’ve set out what I want to do but there isn’t a set time frame. I think I am finally getting the hang of this resolutions thing. So for now, I am successful in keeping these resolutions in check…I just hope I can continue to for the entire year.

Only the Lonely

How is it on the most romantic day of the year (according to Hallmark), I am feeling most lonely. Don’t get me wrong I am still with the Mr., but I seem to be missing one key ingredient in my life…friends.

I’m not sure when it all happened as I’ve always been social and had a lot of friends. I know moving so much in my life has played a major role in me not having ‘lifelong’ friends but I thought I had some friends. I know when my ex and I broke up he took a lot of the friends I had with him and I don’t think I ever really replaced them. Not that you can so easily but I don’t think I ever filled that void that I’ve been missing for quite a while now.

I read a book recently and a quote in that book was “…the power of friendship, the power of love, and the power of feeling complete.” I think I am missing that; I don’t have a whole lot of friends and I really wish that I did.

As we get older it seems that it’s getting harder to make any new friends as we seem to have all made the friends that we wanted to. With the time constraints that we have placed on us it’s hard to make the time with our girlfriends. In my case I lost some in a separation and the others had kids and left me in the dust. I tried, believe me I tried but if you don’t have anything in common anymore it’s like “…thanks for being my friend and have a good life.”

I don’t think that I’ve been the only person this has happened to; I have to believe that I’m not alone in my crusade. Maybe I’m too picky, maybe I’m a bad friend…I don’t know? I always thought I was a good friend…but now I am definitely having my doubts.