I Can Stand on My Own Two Feet!

I Can Stand on My Own Two Feet!

September 24, 2012

Today was a very grueling day to say the least; it started like any other day except…I started my day by cutting the lawn. Let me go back a few steps and explain, as you are all aware the Mr. and I split 3 weeks ago. I have since been alone in the homestead and been the breadwinner, house cleaner, bill payer and maintenance person. I have been doing the normal things I use to do in the past, such as cleaning, cooking, and paying household bills. However since I have been alone, I have also been tasked with other things that were not in my realm of experience. Such as, changing a furnace humidifier filter, cleaning and organizing the garage and lastly yard work. The last one I have been avoiding as it has not been too bad and for the most part, there isn’t too much to do. I received a phone call from the Ex Mr. letting me know that he was going to stop by this past weekend to cut the lawn, as it needed to be done before winter sets in. I said no problem and ensured that I was not home when he was there so that he could do what he needed to and leave. When I got home on Sunday evening, I peeked outside and it looked like nothing was done. I sent a quick text to ask him if he was by and heard nothing back until the next morning at 6:00 AM. This is when I lost my sh*t, I sent him a text message back saying that I did not need him to come by and cut the lawn and that I would do it myself. I suspect the only reason that I was so upset is that he is the one who initially sent the text telling me that it needed to be done and he was going to come and do it. This was a common occurrence in our relationship and I think I had just had enough. Why send a text telling me this needed to be done and say you are going to come and do it and then you flake out? Like seriously?!?!

I immediately got up and sent a message to my boss that I was going to be late getting to work, as I had to cut my lawn. I was keeping my boss in the loop so he knew what was going on in regards to the Ex Mr. and me. His reply back to me was ‘Ok, see you when you get here’. So off to the shed I went to assess the situation of what I had and what I needed. From the looks of things, I had the gas, the bag and the lawnmower…what more did I need?  After pulling it all out of the shed, I adjusted the blade, hit the choke and pulled the cord…nothing. I hit the choke and pulled the cord again and, nothing. WTF, I thought. After some choice words and multiple pulls on the lawnmower, I finally got it started. I decided that it did not need to be pretty; it just needed to get done. I started on the outside of the yard and would work my way in, I did not make it very far though as the grass was longer than it looked and the bag needed to be emptied every couple of swipes. When we initially bought the house, we bought it for the yard size and as I continued to do laps of my yard and empty the bag…I was cursing this decision. It was great to play in and lay in the sun, but it was a real b*tch to mow. As I pushed that mower up and down the slope of the yard, I could feel my frustration going away. I did not realize how much of a stress reliever mowing the lawn was. I took a picture of the yard just before I finished to not only show the Ex Mr. that it was done but also to validate to myself that I could do things for myself and that I didn’t need to rely on anyone. I had no idea that cutting the lawn today was so symbolic to me in moving forward with my healing. I will always know that ‘cutting the lawn’ today means so much more than that.