Goodbye House

Goodbye House

June 21, 2013

To say that a lot has transpired in the last five months would be an understatement. Where do I even begin?

I have been busy since last fall preparing the house to be sold; I have been packing up my stuff slowly since then and have been getting it all ready when the house sells. It is amazing how much stuff I have been able to get rid of while I pack. I feel like I am working towards a clean slate as I continue to fix things that need to be fixed in the house. Sadly, this is a task that I have had to take on alone, the Ex Mr. is nowhere to be found and despite our amicable break-up, I am soooooooooo over the notion of us ever being friends.

Not only have I been tasked with packing mine and his sh*t up, I am also in the process of taking care of my mom (which has taken a turn for the worse) and working full time. I swear I do not know how I am even functioning, I am being pulled from every angle and it is starting to take its toll.

Needless to say, in all of this mess and chaos…I was able to sell the house. Turns out, not only did I stage, de-clutter and fix everything in the house to sell it. I was also taking care of my ailing mother, working full time and trying to have a life at the same time. Who needs a man?!?! (That last statement was aimed towards my Ex)

Now that I have sold the house and need to be out of here by the end of August, I am a little sad. This house was suppose to be my ‘forever’ house. It was my labour of love and I bought it at a time when I thought that to be true.

Sadly, here I sit…happy that I sold the house because it will be the last thing that binds me to the Ex. Also sad as this represented a completely different lifestyle that I thought I would be living. I guess sometimes, happily ever after just is not always in the cards.

This house was good to me and I do have some good memories here. I will always think of this as my labour of love home and will cherish it forever. Therefore, goodbye house and I hope you will be as good to the new owners as you were to me.

So much for the 'We Found It' blog post.  http://lifeafter30withtan.blogspot.com/2008/08/we-found-it.html

Cut...for the very first time.

Cut…for the very first time

January 6, 2013

I got the phone call on a dreary Sunday afternoon in January, why was my coach calling me I asked myself. I had just seen him the day before at our team practice and we chatted; maybe he forgot to tell me something I thought. After our quick pleasantries and discussion about yesterday’s practice, I noticed he started to stammer and stutter. I tried to follow along in the conversation and asked a few questions as he finally came out with it…”I’ve never done this before, and don’t really know how to say it”. My curiosity was piqued now and I waited patiently for him to get out the words…as I waited, I thought, “how bad could it be”? I meant for that to be a rhetorical question and then he said it, “You’re cut from the team”. What, I thought. How is this possible? I was just at practice yesterday, and there were not any signs that I could see. After a long silence from me, I asked some of these questions and he was kind enough to answer all of them. It did not have anything to do with my attitude, my personality or my skill. I just was not in the plan for “the direction that they were going”. I was a little confused by this and asked what direction it was that they were headed…it was age, meaning that they were going for a younger demographic. With me being 37 at the time, I could see what they meant by it but my gut wasn’t ‘buying’ it. When the conversation was finished, he had hung up the phone as I stood there still holding it in my hand. I was in shock, I was in disbelief, I was numb. Had this really just happened? Was I really just ‘cut’ from an adult slo-pitch team? How did this happen?

All of these questions were swirling through my head and I could not make heads or tails of it…I just stood there dumbfounded. I immediately called my girlfriend and teammate and found that as I described the scene to her, I broke down and cried. Yes, I was a grown ass woman and I broke down and cried. I don’t know if it was because I never experienced being let go from anything before OR if it had to do with my break-up 6 months ago. I suspect it was the latter as my conversation went on with my friend, I heard myself say things like “I can’t stay on a team of misfits, no wonder I couldn’t make a relationship work”. It was a low point for me and I was releasing any last emotions that I had carried forward from my break-up.

Once the realization started to sink in, I also thought to myself that I had never been cut from anything before. I had played sports all my life and never once was I on the end of the girls who did not make the team. This was also a new discovery for me and what a feeling it was…I was down, then up, and then down again. So many questions go through your mind and you start to wonder what you did wrong and how to improve so that you don’t have to go through this again.

In the end, being cut from the team helped me to get a workout program started and overall I became a better player. Being able to keep up with and sometimes surpass the 20 year olds, makes me feel like a million bucks. It was a lesson that I learned later in life but one that I will always remember.

How Do You Know?

How Do You Know?

December 31, 2012

You know that ability to read people in their actions, thoughts and responses. Well I wish I could turn that part of me off…

Most people would say it’s a good thing to be able to ‘read’ people, I on the other hand might have to disagree. It’s all fine and dandy when you can read someone when good things are happening, but when bad things are happening, well…it’s not so good. This is when someone can break your heart with one look or one off the cuff comment. You can look into their eyes and see to their soul. It’s as though they don’t want to do it but they know they have to. Deep down you know they have to as well but you’re not ready to hear it yet, I hate the way that makes me feel, so exposed, so vulnerable, so heartbroken. I just want to cry.

That’s when I wish I could just shut that part of my brain off for a little while and live in what I like to call ‘make believe land’. It seems like it would be nicer to be completely oblivious to people’s actions and thoughts. I know that there are many people who live this way; they just do not have a clue. You wonder how they can function in the ‘real world’ and how they can even tie their own shoelaces.  I guess the benefit to this is that they do not experience the heartbreak or disappointment. They are just as surprised at the outcome as everyone else is, is this a better way to function?

I cannot say for sure either way, I guess that is just a part of being human but I could do without the hurt.

I Now Have a Dependant

I Now Have a Dependant

November 22, 2012

During this time in my life, not only was I going through the healing process of my 6-year relationship ending but I was also discovering that my mom was starting to need more care. My mom has always been a big part of my life; she has been a supporter of my choices and me. Since I have had some free time on my hands I have been spending, more time with her as her health has started to deteriorate and her needs are becoming larger.

Back in 2008, my mom suffered from a bowel blockage that she never really seemed to recover from. Turns out that there was some excess scar tissue that got stuck in her intestines and she then had some of her intestines removed to get rid of the blockage. She had lost quite a bit of weight quite quickly and her arthritis seemed to aggressively attack all of her joints.  After the surgery, she never fully recovered from it mentally and continued to be very tiny. We tried to get her weight back up to normal but everything we tried was just unsuccessful. As time went on, she continued to get worse and worse and was almost at the point where she was house bound.

This is where my free time and I come into play; I started to accompany her to all her appointments and increased my weekly visits to every other day. I noticed things that she use to be able to do she just was not able to muster the energy to get them done. Her spirits were still upbeat but she was not able to hide how she had deteriorated. The doctor appointments will continue and I have since gotten her some help around the house and a house cleaner. I do her shopping and go to hang out with her during the week and weekend. I pick up her laundry and bring it back to my place, I do her grocery shopping and I just do what I can for her.

The feeling to take care of her overwhelms me as I sometimes do not know where to begin and we are both learning what is going on with her and why her health has gone so downhill. I just hope that we can get her on the right track so that she is able to recover and move past all of this. I just keep telling her not to give up and to work hard. I just hope that I can find the strength to continue with this rollercoaster of emotions.

For now, all my focus and attention is on her and my break-up is on the backburner. I do what I can when I can. I guess things happen for a reason and maybe this free time that I have can be better spent taking care of my mama.

My New Whip!

My New Whip

October 26, 2012

It has been a few days now since I decided to buy myself a new toy, it was definitely NOT a necessity but a statement. What kind of statement you ask, well it was a statement of my independence of course. It has been a few months since I ended things with the Mr. and I have been on a journey of discovering who I am and where I am going. Don’t get me wrong, I am still the same person I was before. I am just a little more brave and gaining more confidence as I am forced to be a more independent person than I was before.

I have to say, I am really starting to come into my own and I like the person that I am becoming. I do things that I normally thought I could not do and I am actually enjoying doing them. I believe that this is part of my healing process; I know that they are all different for everyone but mine is a nice journey of discovery. Which leads me to the purchase of my new ride, at the time I was driving a very reliable and sturdy vehicle. It was a 1994 Toyota Camry; it was paid in full and running like a dream. As you can see, I did NOT need a new vehicle…I wanted a new vehicle.

I started my search like any new car buyer, I wanted everything. Problem was, I could not afford everything. I test drove so many new vehicles that I started to get discouraged that I was not going to find one. I discussed my problem with a co-worker who just happened to have a cousin working at a dealership and I decided why not, what could it hurt? To my amazement, I fell in love with the vehicle I test drove and decided right then and there that I was going to buy it. It is funny, as it did not have all the gadgets or upgrades that a new vehicle has. It had just want I wanted and needed at the time. After some thought, I realized that this was another step in my healing process and journey to independence. It wasn’t what the vehicle had, just that it fulfilled my need to buy it and say indirectly, “I don’t need you, and I can do this on my own”.

I get to pick it up in a few days and I can’t wait, as I am beyond excited. This is such an amazing step in my healing and growth, I can’t wait to see what awaits me even further down the road.

Lonely for a Reason

Lonely for a Reason

October 7, 2012

Talk about foreshadowing, I had a gander back on my previous blog posts and came across one titled  'Only the Lonely', link below.

http://lifeafter30withtan.blogspot.com/2012/02/only-lonely.html

 As I sit here alone in my empty house, I sit here and I try to fill the hours by going through all my forms of social media. It has been some time since I broke up with the Mr. and I am still trying to figure things out, he is not making it easy as he has gone MIA. I have not heard from him, despite my reaching out to him to try to sort things out. I may get the odd text here and there letting me know that he is stopping by the house but that is about it. My questions about selling the house, picking other things up and the dogs have all gone unanswered. I thought that the break-up might actually be handled in a more mature fashion but it turns out that he has decided to retreat to his parent’s cottage and stay silent. I can totally understand why and have pretty much concluded that I will be handling just about everything by myself. Part of me does not see that as too much of a problem though as I will not get push back from him and can make the decisions myself. I guess it is just a matter of starting the process of sorting, packing and labeling.

My post however is not about him and his lack of involvement; it is about how my previous post back in February conveyed the feeling of me being lonely despite being in a relationship. Looking back on it now, I can see that yes, I was lonely and not getting the support I needed from the person who was suppose to be closest to me. I chalked it up to my lack of friends but in reality, it was because I really was alone, despite my relationship status. I had no support, I had no guidance, and I had nothing. I was going through some significant changes at this point in my life and was questioning some things all the while I was doing it alone. He may have been there physically but he was not there for me emotionally and mentally. How could I not have recognized this? I guess that we look for a quick fix and reason of why we are feeling the way we feel. We sometimes don’t always want to face what we know is right in front of us, so we think of something else to avoid having to face the problem.

I look back at that post and think “Wow, I was feeling totally sh*tty”. However, I guess I had to go through those feelings to get where I am. I realize my posts going forward will have some emotion to them as I am still reeling from the break-up and most likely will for a while. As I said when I began this post, I am filling my time with social media outlets. I suspect that means I will have a lot to say most of the time. Let’s just hope it isn’t all negative.

I Can Stand on My Own Two Feet!

I Can Stand on My Own Two Feet!

September 24, 2012

Today was a very grueling day to say the least; it started like any other day except…I started my day by cutting the lawn. Let me go back a few steps and explain, as you are all aware the Mr. and I split 3 weeks ago. I have since been alone in the homestead and been the breadwinner, house cleaner, bill payer and maintenance person. I have been doing the normal things I use to do in the past, such as cleaning, cooking, and paying household bills. However since I have been alone, I have also been tasked with other things that were not in my realm of experience. Such as, changing a furnace humidifier filter, cleaning and organizing the garage and lastly yard work. The last one I have been avoiding as it has not been too bad and for the most part, there isn’t too much to do. I received a phone call from the Ex Mr. letting me know that he was going to stop by this past weekend to cut the lawn, as it needed to be done before winter sets in. I said no problem and ensured that I was not home when he was there so that he could do what he needed to and leave. When I got home on Sunday evening, I peeked outside and it looked like nothing was done. I sent a quick text to ask him if he was by and heard nothing back until the next morning at 6:00 AM. This is when I lost my sh*t, I sent him a text message back saying that I did not need him to come by and cut the lawn and that I would do it myself. I suspect the only reason that I was so upset is that he is the one who initially sent the text telling me that it needed to be done and he was going to come and do it. This was a common occurrence in our relationship and I think I had just had enough. Why send a text telling me this needed to be done and say you are going to come and do it and then you flake out? Like seriously?!?!

I immediately got up and sent a message to my boss that I was going to be late getting to work, as I had to cut my lawn. I was keeping my boss in the loop so he knew what was going on in regards to the Ex Mr. and me. His reply back to me was ‘Ok, see you when you get here’. So off to the shed I went to assess the situation of what I had and what I needed. From the looks of things, I had the gas, the bag and the lawnmower…what more did I need?  After pulling it all out of the shed, I adjusted the blade, hit the choke and pulled the cord…nothing. I hit the choke and pulled the cord again and, nothing. WTF, I thought. After some choice words and multiple pulls on the lawnmower, I finally got it started. I decided that it did not need to be pretty; it just needed to get done. I started on the outside of the yard and would work my way in, I did not make it very far though as the grass was longer than it looked and the bag needed to be emptied every couple of swipes. When we initially bought the house, we bought it for the yard size and as I continued to do laps of my yard and empty the bag…I was cursing this decision. It was great to play in and lay in the sun, but it was a real b*tch to mow. As I pushed that mower up and down the slope of the yard, I could feel my frustration going away. I did not realize how much of a stress reliever mowing the lawn was. I took a picture of the yard just before I finished to not only show the Ex Mr. that it was done but also to validate to myself that I could do things for myself and that I didn’t need to rely on anyone. I had no idea that cutting the lawn today was so symbolic to me in moving forward with my healing. I will always know that ‘cutting the lawn’ today means so much more than that.