My first birthday as a mom

My First Birthday as a Mom

October 20, 2016

Today was my first birthday as a mom, you wouldn’t think that’s anything too special but to me it is. For years I celebrated my birthday with family and friends and it usually involved a dinner, gifts and drinks. We somehow always found our way to a pub or bar, but not this year. This year was a year that I spent out for dinner with my new family. We decided to go out for dinner with the little guys to BP’s, we were prepared and even brought their bumbo chairs.

As much as I would like to say that I enjoyed a drink, I passed as I was still breastfeeding and just didn’t feel comfortable having a drink as I knew there would be plenty of other times for me to have a drink or two. I did end up having a virgin drink and enjoyed my meal and feeding my little ones off my plate. Why is it that only mommy’s food tastes the best? That’s ok, I don’t mind sharing and giving them different experiences along the way.

To me this birthday celebration was a lot different than birthdays past, but I have to say I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. The joy I felt being in the restaurant and having people watch us. Possibly admiring my family, my family…something I didn’t know that I was going to be able to say. I know I sound like I am beaming with pride and to be honest I am, it’s just such a surreal feeling.

I think I’ve celebrated my birthday enough times for me to be able to sit back and appreciate my new tradition of celebrating birthdays. I don’t know what next year will bring but if it’s anything like this, I can’t wait to celebrate them.

Wish I would've captured more

Wish I would’ve captured more

September 23, 2016

I found out last week that a friend of ours is expecting and a pang of guilt ran through me quicker than I could say my own name. It’s not because I wanted to be pregnant again or anything like that, it was because when I was pregnant I didn’t capture that chapter in my life as well as I wished that I had. I don’t have as many pictures of me pregnant and I have huge regrets over that.

The one time in a woman’s life when she doesn’t want to take pictures is one of the most special times in her life and it should be documented. I wished I would’ve had someone tell me this and even though the last thing I want to do is to take pictures of myself because I feel like a whale, I really should. In my case it’s a little harder of a pill to swallow as this will more than likely be my only pregnancy. I had my children when I was older, I didn’t find the right person until then so I decided to have kids then. We were so very fortunate as we had gotten pregnant early on and it was twins. I knew it was going to be my only pregnancy but I didn’t think to document it.

I think part of the reason I didn’t was because I was feeling at my worst as I was continually getting larger and larger. My whole life as a woman, I was always concious of my weight and to feel like I was letting myself go…made it hard to want to document. Also I had unfortunately gotten pregnant at the same time those stupid Duggar girls were pregnant. I was sick and tired of seeing their faces everywhere and was feeling overwhelmed with all of their coverage on their pregnancies on social media and let’s not forget that all pregnant women, no matter how happy you are get grumpy. Your body changes and you feel like crap, things that use to be easy to do you find cumbersome and annoying. Overall, it’s not a super pleasant thing for any woman…and that overshadows all the other good stuff, which I wish I would’ve documented.

Sadly even the maternity shoot that I had booked was cancelled as the weather was terrible and the boys decided to come early. So I don’t really have that many pregnant pictures of myself and wish that I had taken more. I ask myself all the time, why didn’t I at least take the pictures of the weeks that I was pregnant. You know those typical belly shots…I want to see those and wish I wasn’t so darn stubborn and had those memories. Now I have to rely on my mind and we all know those images will get lost somewhere in there and be forgotten forever. Whatever the case may be, I tell all my pregnant friends who tell me their expecting to make sure and take the pictures along the way. You might not feel like you want to take the pictures but you really should as you won’t regret it looking back on it. It’s a chore yes but just do it for your sanity, trust me I live with that regret everyday and will continue to for the rest of my years.

I don’t know how I will ever get over it but maybe one day I will. Until then, I will continue to suffer in silence and just pretend that it doesn’t bother me.

What do you mean it's been 6 months?

What do you mean it has been 6 months?

August 29, 2016

Holy cow, I can’t believe it’s been six months since I gave birth to these two little bundles of joy. I can’t believe how the time has flown by, I now understand when parents tell me to cherish each and every moment you have with them as ‘they grow up so fast’. It’s true, our lives have been completely and totally turned upside down but I don’t think that we would have it any other way.

We knew having twins was going to be one of the hardest things we would ever have to do and boy were they right. Nothing can prepare you for the lack of sleep that you get, it’s a wonder how parents function. Don’t get me wrong, I was never one to be in bed by 9, or 10…or even 11. I was use to catching about 4-6 hours a night of sleep and still functioning as well as any other person…and then I had kids. I took for granted the 4-6 hours of uninterrupted sleep, I would say I’m getting about the same amount, maybe less but it’s interrupted. We wake up every 3 hours to feed these guys and then burp them, diaper change and back to sleep. It’s quite scheduled and it’s good to help them have a routine but man oh man is it hard for us.

Not only have they affected our sleep but they have also had us watching cartoons, I never knew there was a children’s cartoon channel that played cartoons all day. I’ve been singing nursery rhymes…which apparently I only know a few. There are so many more to learn, who knew. I’ve been counting things, on my hands and knees with them on the floor. Entertaining them is one of my new hobbies, teaching them all about the everyday normal things we take for granted in our lives. I’m more aware of what is a risk and a hazard, I’ve only had cats before so to me nothing was a hazard. I have to be on the lookout for things that I never knew existed, it’s like I’m a detective now trying to find the weaknesses in everything I never noticed before.

It's funny as I use to think I was a busy person before…and then I had twins. LOL. My days consist of feeding babes, burping babes, either swing, circle of neglect or jolly jumpers. Then cleaning and sanitizing bottles and nipples, pumping these baby feeders of mine, possibly washing my face and getting dressed. Eating if I have time and then nap time and basically start all over again until it’s time to put them to bed. It seems like a never ending cycle to be honest and it just never ends. This is what my days consist of, a whole other life that I never knew existed. Stuff I had only heard about and thought was folklore…little did I know that I would soon be one of the millions who are going through this.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining at all. My babes are a blessing and I can’t imagine my life without them now. Yes my life has changed but I like it, I am happier and feel fulfilled…I never knew I could feel like this. Like there isn’t anything missing from  my life anymore, I have a purpose. How we got to 6 months already I will never know, I am almost afraid to see what things will be like when they’re a year old. For now, I will enjoy the time I have with my babes and try to capture as much as I can on video and pictures.

My Life is Chaos!

My Life is Chaos!

July 13, 2016

It appears that four months of my life have flown by in an instant; my babies are 4 ½ months old…where does the time go? I can’t believe I have had the pleasure of having these two wonderful bundles of joy in my life for 4 ½ months. So much has changed in these last 4 ½ months though and despite my absolute euphoric state of being a mom…I have come to see that things in my life will never be the same.

Now don’t get me wrong, I knew having a kid…let alone unexpected twins was a definite game changer and that yes, life would be busy and that yes, life would never be the same. What I wasn’t fully prepared for was the lack of normalcy. I am the type of person who thrives on normalcy and routine. I have always been a person who gets things done, who doesn’t back down from a challenge, who doesn’t ever say no. I was not prepared for that, I don’t think that any new parent is ever ready for that.

It seems that all the things that use to be so neatly organized, have been neglected and are upside down. I worry that things will get out of hand and I wonder how I will ever keep up. I mostly worry about this as I wonder what will happen when I go back to work full time. I don’t know what to expect and am honestly scared. I know that I have always been a perfectionist and things had to be ‘just so’. I have since given up on most of those tendencies as I realizes that my babes are so much more important than a sparkling stove. However in saying that I still clean my house as I want to ensure that my babes aren’t growing up in filth. I want them to have clean clothes and hot meals. I don’t want them to live in squalor and I still do as much as I can just not to the extent that I did them before.

I got a phone call from one of my credit card companies as I had forgotten to pay my bill…I have NEVER forgotten to pay the bill before. It’s little things like this that make me wonder how hard my “new” reality is going to be. Will I be able to keep up? Will I be able to make it all work? When will I sleep? Will I remember to pay my credit card bills? Will I remember to pay the utility bills?

These never use to be questions that I had to ask myself before but with my reality changing, I need to know how to approach these things. I have made the decision to hire a house cleaner as this isn’t something that I want to be doing while my babes are small. I would rather be playing with them instead of constantly cleaning. I have also decided to limit my extra curricular activities; I am taking the year off of all the sports that I use to play until I can get into some sort of routine and see not only what I can fit in but what I want to do. Sleep has become a very important part of my life…that I am lacking in and I try to catch up on it so I’m just not 100% sure what it is I want to entertain my time with.

Anyhow, I don’t want to get ahead of myself here as my babes are only 4 months old and I am in the early stages here but I am sitting here just wondering how it’s all going to work out and what my new normal is going to look like. 

Who is this woman you call mom?

Who is this woman you call Mom?

May 15, 2016

Since the end of February I was finally able to join the elusive club of ‘being a mom’. I know this might make some of you chuckle a little bit but to be honest, I wasn’t sure that I was ever going to be a part of this club. I had had many boyfriends and almost immediately after we had dated for a little while, I knew that I didn’t want to have kids. I wasn’t quiet about this decision but in the back of my mind I wasn’t always sure about this decision. Clearly this should’ve been an indicator that I was with the wrong person. However love is blind and you think you can overlook some things and that it will work out. In my case, it didn’t and as time went on and I got older, I had started to learn to accept that having kids might not be in the cards for me. 

Fast forward about 8 years and here I am a mom of twin boys. I had finally realized that at the time that I was with all my exes, I did not indeed want to have kids…with them. I didn’t realize this until I had finally met someone that I actually could see myself being married to and having kids with. Here we are today, with me trying to wrap my head around the fact that when ‘mom’ is called…it could potentially be me. How weird is that?

When I see people and they ask about the boys, I tell them that these are my first children and that they are fraternal twins…that they are my sons. How weird is that? For someone who spent their 39 years on earth only thinking about herself, her mother, sister and brother…this was definitely something new to me. I will sometimes catch myself after I’ve said “my children” or “my sons”. I have to think about it and then my mind will work out that ‘Yes, I am their mom and yes, I do have children’. LOL.

I know it sounds a little weird but I spent my whole life childless and only know that what I did, I did for myself and close family and friends. This is definitely going to take some getting use to but I don’t mind accommodating them as I have truly been blessed with two little miracles. I can’t imagine my life without them and I wonder how I went so long without having kids. I chalk it up to the time not being right and not being with the right person.  For now, I will still wonder who the mom is and eventually it will sink in that it’s me. LOL.

Welcome Home Little Ones!

Welcome Home Little Ones!

April 8 & 14, 2016

We got to bring our little ones home…on two separate days, a week apart. Yes, you read that right…two separate days. Initially we were a little surprised as we have always been together with them day in and day out. So to separate them was like tearing a piece of my heart out. We did try to get them to release both boys together but our little one needed just a little bit more time in the NICU. So we took home baby A and man oh man it was so surreal having him home…even just the one. I had never had any babies at my house before, let alone my own baby. Needless to say the first night was a little rough and scary, I had purchased a few of the Angel monitors that you can put in the babies bassinets and cribs and it will tell you if there is no movement in either one. I know it sounds a little extreme however when your babes are in the NICU for 40+ days attached to wires and you see them not remembering to breath…you tend to get a little paranoid. It was a very hard transition I tell you as we had been use to the hospital taking care of them overnight and we took care of them all day. Which meant I got to sleep a solid 7 hours…so waking every 3 to feed and pump was a little tiring. I felt even worse when I couldn’t get my big one ready to head out to the hospital to go and see my little one regularly. It was honestly the worst feeling in the world…how could I be in two places for my babes.

Luckily just short of a week later, we got permission to take my little one home with us. This made us feel complete and I have to say I was quite happy to not have to run back and forth with my babes everyday. Bringing him home was another transition but he was less demanding so it wasn’t too terrible. I was just happy to have us all under one roof, doing our best at this parenting thing.

Looking back on it now, I can see why they only released one of my babies to us. It gave us the time to get into a routine and it was a pretty harsh reality for first time parents. We went from having all the luxury time in the world to now having that time demanded by babes. It was a real eye opener, I suspect having just one new baby would be tough but having two…now that is scary. I thank the nurses everyday silently that they gave us that time to adjust so that bringing home my second babe wasn’t so bad. I suspect with most parents they release only one so that it’s an easier transition for them. I couldn’t see it at the time but it was definitely the way to do it.

Now to get use to the waking up every 3 hours on the hour and feeding my hungry boys. My oh my has life changed. I am so incredibly happy and also so not sure of what to do. I thank goodness I have the support of my significant other and other people. Wow, it’s really sinking in now that I’m a parent to twins…how lucky am I?

Am I to Blame?

Am I to Blame?

April 2, 2016

It has been officially a month since my babes made their debut into the world and what a debut it has been. It has been love at first sight since they decided they wanted to come 7 weeks early; what can I say…the babes want to be cuddled and loved.

It has been a never-ending learning experience for us newbie parents, we come to the NICU everyday and sit with them. We do a lot of skin on skin contact with them for most of the day; we can’t seen to get enough of them. This has been our normal everyday lives, there are other little things that creep up but for the most part we are here at the hospital loving and protecting them.

Everyday as I grab one of my babies, I rest him on my chest and listen to him breathe…in and out. There are times that there are blips on the monitor and maybe I need to poke them as they’re just a little too comfortable and forget to breathe. I kiss them and hug them and just stare at them in awe…I look at their dad and think, we created these two little humans. These little ones were in my belly, kicking and moving and basically preparing me for no sleep.

I smile as I think about these things and yet I have a nagging feeling in the back of my mind. I wonder if I did something that caused them to come early. Should I maybe have just continued with the bed rest, should I have admitted myself to the hospital to ensure that I kept them in longer. It is a feeling of guilt that I carry around with me since the day they were born, it seems to be the natural mommy protection mode. I can’t seem to shake it and always wonder, could I have done anything different to prevent my babies from coming 7 weeks early?

I stare at them as we’re in the NICU and wonder to myself, what should I have done differently? I have asked a few of the nurses here and they’re really good about telling me that it wasn’t my fault they came early…they just did. I know that they’ve probably heard it all before and are just trying to put my mind at ease. I know what they are saying is true and that I may not have been able to do anything to prevent them from coming early. But that doesn’t stop the guilt from coming each and every day. There are days that are harder than others in the NICU…and I wonder, did I do that? Did I make it difficult for my babies as they’re here early? Will there be long term side affects? Will this just be a blip in the radar as time goes on? How do I get rid of the guilt? Will I ever get rid of the guilt?

I can’t answer that last question but I know that I feel it everyday…