Am I to Blame?

Am I to Blame?

April 2, 2016

It has been officially a month since my babes made their debut into the world and what a debut it has been. It has been love at first sight since they decided they wanted to come 7 weeks early; what can I say…the babes want to be cuddled and loved.

It has been a never-ending learning experience for us newbie parents, we come to the NICU everyday and sit with them. We do a lot of skin on skin contact with them for most of the day; we can’t seen to get enough of them. This has been our normal everyday lives, there are other little things that creep up but for the most part we are here at the hospital loving and protecting them.

Everyday as I grab one of my babies, I rest him on my chest and listen to him breathe…in and out. There are times that there are blips on the monitor and maybe I need to poke them as they’re just a little too comfortable and forget to breathe. I kiss them and hug them and just stare at them in awe…I look at their dad and think, we created these two little humans. These little ones were in my belly, kicking and moving and basically preparing me for no sleep.

I smile as I think about these things and yet I have a nagging feeling in the back of my mind. I wonder if I did something that caused them to come early. Should I maybe have just continued with the bed rest, should I have admitted myself to the hospital to ensure that I kept them in longer. It is a feeling of guilt that I carry around with me since the day they were born, it seems to be the natural mommy protection mode. I can’t seem to shake it and always wonder, could I have done anything different to prevent my babies from coming 7 weeks early?

I stare at them as we’re in the NICU and wonder to myself, what should I have done differently? I have asked a few of the nurses here and they’re really good about telling me that it wasn’t my fault they came early…they just did. I know that they’ve probably heard it all before and are just trying to put my mind at ease. I know what they are saying is true and that I may not have been able to do anything to prevent them from coming early. But that doesn’t stop the guilt from coming each and every day. There are days that are harder than others in the NICU…and I wonder, did I do that? Did I make it difficult for my babies as they’re here early? Will there be long term side affects? Will this just be a blip in the radar as time goes on? How do I get rid of the guilt? Will I ever get rid of the guilt?

I can’t answer that last question but I know that I feel it everyday…