What do you mean it's been 6 months?

What do you mean it has been 6 months?

August 29, 2016

Holy cow, I can’t believe it’s been six months since I gave birth to these two little bundles of joy. I can’t believe how the time has flown by, I now understand when parents tell me to cherish each and every moment you have with them as ‘they grow up so fast’. It’s true, our lives have been completely and totally turned upside down but I don’t think that we would have it any other way.

We knew having twins was going to be one of the hardest things we would ever have to do and boy were they right. Nothing can prepare you for the lack of sleep that you get, it’s a wonder how parents function. Don’t get me wrong, I was never one to be in bed by 9, or 10…or even 11. I was use to catching about 4-6 hours a night of sleep and still functioning as well as any other person…and then I had kids. I took for granted the 4-6 hours of uninterrupted sleep, I would say I’m getting about the same amount, maybe less but it’s interrupted. We wake up every 3 hours to feed these guys and then burp them, diaper change and back to sleep. It’s quite scheduled and it’s good to help them have a routine but man oh man is it hard for us.

Not only have they affected our sleep but they have also had us watching cartoons, I never knew there was a children’s cartoon channel that played cartoons all day. I’ve been singing nursery rhymes…which apparently I only know a few. There are so many more to learn, who knew. I’ve been counting things, on my hands and knees with them on the floor. Entertaining them is one of my new hobbies, teaching them all about the everyday normal things we take for granted in our lives. I’m more aware of what is a risk and a hazard, I’ve only had cats before so to me nothing was a hazard. I have to be on the lookout for things that I never knew existed, it’s like I’m a detective now trying to find the weaknesses in everything I never noticed before.

It's funny as I use to think I was a busy person before…and then I had twins. LOL. My days consist of feeding babes, burping babes, either swing, circle of neglect or jolly jumpers. Then cleaning and sanitizing bottles and nipples, pumping these baby feeders of mine, possibly washing my face and getting dressed. Eating if I have time and then nap time and basically start all over again until it’s time to put them to bed. It seems like a never ending cycle to be honest and it just never ends. This is what my days consist of, a whole other life that I never knew existed. Stuff I had only heard about and thought was folklore…little did I know that I would soon be one of the millions who are going through this.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining at all. My babes are a blessing and I can’t imagine my life without them now. Yes my life has changed but I like it, I am happier and feel fulfilled…I never knew I could feel like this. Like there isn’t anything missing from  my life anymore, I have a purpose. How we got to 6 months already I will never know, I am almost afraid to see what things will be like when they’re a year old. For now, I will enjoy the time I have with my babes and try to capture as much as I can on video and pictures.

My Life is Chaos!

My Life is Chaos!

July 13, 2016

It appears that four months of my life have flown by in an instant; my babies are 4 ½ months old…where does the time go? I can’t believe I have had the pleasure of having these two wonderful bundles of joy in my life for 4 ½ months. So much has changed in these last 4 ½ months though and despite my absolute euphoric state of being a mom…I have come to see that things in my life will never be the same.

Now don’t get me wrong, I knew having a kid…let alone unexpected twins was a definite game changer and that yes, life would be busy and that yes, life would never be the same. What I wasn’t fully prepared for was the lack of normalcy. I am the type of person who thrives on normalcy and routine. I have always been a person who gets things done, who doesn’t back down from a challenge, who doesn’t ever say no. I was not prepared for that, I don’t think that any new parent is ever ready for that.

It seems that all the things that use to be so neatly organized, have been neglected and are upside down. I worry that things will get out of hand and I wonder how I will ever keep up. I mostly worry about this as I wonder what will happen when I go back to work full time. I don’t know what to expect and am honestly scared. I know that I have always been a perfectionist and things had to be ‘just so’. I have since given up on most of those tendencies as I realizes that my babes are so much more important than a sparkling stove. However in saying that I still clean my house as I want to ensure that my babes aren’t growing up in filth. I want them to have clean clothes and hot meals. I don’t want them to live in squalor and I still do as much as I can just not to the extent that I did them before.

I got a phone call from one of my credit card companies as I had forgotten to pay my bill…I have NEVER forgotten to pay the bill before. It’s little things like this that make me wonder how hard my “new” reality is going to be. Will I be able to keep up? Will I be able to make it all work? When will I sleep? Will I remember to pay my credit card bills? Will I remember to pay the utility bills?

These never use to be questions that I had to ask myself before but with my reality changing, I need to know how to approach these things. I have made the decision to hire a house cleaner as this isn’t something that I want to be doing while my babes are small. I would rather be playing with them instead of constantly cleaning. I have also decided to limit my extra curricular activities; I am taking the year off of all the sports that I use to play until I can get into some sort of routine and see not only what I can fit in but what I want to do. Sleep has become a very important part of my life…that I am lacking in and I try to catch up on it so I’m just not 100% sure what it is I want to entertain my time with.

Anyhow, I don’t want to get ahead of myself here as my babes are only 4 months old and I am in the early stages here but I am sitting here just wondering how it’s all going to work out and what my new normal is going to look like. 

Who is this woman you call mom?

Who is this woman you call Mom?

May 15, 2016

Since the end of February I was finally able to join the elusive club of ‘being a mom’. I know this might make some of you chuckle a little bit but to be honest, I wasn’t sure that I was ever going to be a part of this club. I had had many boyfriends and almost immediately after we had dated for a little while, I knew that I didn’t want to have kids. I wasn’t quiet about this decision but in the back of my mind I wasn’t always sure about this decision. Clearly this should’ve been an indicator that I was with the wrong person. However love is blind and you think you can overlook some things and that it will work out. In my case, it didn’t and as time went on and I got older, I had started to learn to accept that having kids might not be in the cards for me. 

Fast forward about 8 years and here I am a mom of twin boys. I had finally realized that at the time that I was with all my exes, I did not indeed want to have kids…with them. I didn’t realize this until I had finally met someone that I actually could see myself being married to and having kids with. Here we are today, with me trying to wrap my head around the fact that when ‘mom’ is called…it could potentially be me. How weird is that?

When I see people and they ask about the boys, I tell them that these are my first children and that they are fraternal twins…that they are my sons. How weird is that? For someone who spent their 39 years on earth only thinking about herself, her mother, sister and brother…this was definitely something new to me. I will sometimes catch myself after I’ve said “my children” or “my sons”. I have to think about it and then my mind will work out that ‘Yes, I am their mom and yes, I do have children’. LOL.

I know it sounds a little weird but I spent my whole life childless and only know that what I did, I did for myself and close family and friends. This is definitely going to take some getting use to but I don’t mind accommodating them as I have truly been blessed with two little miracles. I can’t imagine my life without them and I wonder how I went so long without having kids. I chalk it up to the time not being right and not being with the right person.  For now, I will still wonder who the mom is and eventually it will sink in that it’s me. LOL.

Welcome Home Little Ones!

Welcome Home Little Ones!

April 8 & 14, 2016

We got to bring our little ones home…on two separate days, a week apart. Yes, you read that right…two separate days. Initially we were a little surprised as we have always been together with them day in and day out. So to separate them was like tearing a piece of my heart out. We did try to get them to release both boys together but our little one needed just a little bit more time in the NICU. So we took home baby A and man oh man it was so surreal having him home…even just the one. I had never had any babies at my house before, let alone my own baby. Needless to say the first night was a little rough and scary, I had purchased a few of the Angel monitors that you can put in the babies bassinets and cribs and it will tell you if there is no movement in either one. I know it sounds a little extreme however when your babes are in the NICU for 40+ days attached to wires and you see them not remembering to breath…you tend to get a little paranoid. It was a very hard transition I tell you as we had been use to the hospital taking care of them overnight and we took care of them all day. Which meant I got to sleep a solid 7 hours…so waking every 3 to feed and pump was a little tiring. I felt even worse when I couldn’t get my big one ready to head out to the hospital to go and see my little one regularly. It was honestly the worst feeling in the world…how could I be in two places for my babes.

Luckily just short of a week later, we got permission to take my little one home with us. This made us feel complete and I have to say I was quite happy to not have to run back and forth with my babes everyday. Bringing him home was another transition but he was less demanding so it wasn’t too terrible. I was just happy to have us all under one roof, doing our best at this parenting thing.

Looking back on it now, I can see why they only released one of my babies to us. It gave us the time to get into a routine and it was a pretty harsh reality for first time parents. We went from having all the luxury time in the world to now having that time demanded by babes. It was a real eye opener, I suspect having just one new baby would be tough but having two…now that is scary. I thank the nurses everyday silently that they gave us that time to adjust so that bringing home my second babe wasn’t so bad. I suspect with most parents they release only one so that it’s an easier transition for them. I couldn’t see it at the time but it was definitely the way to do it.

Now to get use to the waking up every 3 hours on the hour and feeding my hungry boys. My oh my has life changed. I am so incredibly happy and also so not sure of what to do. I thank goodness I have the support of my significant other and other people. Wow, it’s really sinking in now that I’m a parent to twins…how lucky am I?

Am I to Blame?

Am I to Blame?

April 2, 2016

It has been officially a month since my babes made their debut into the world and what a debut it has been. It has been love at first sight since they decided they wanted to come 7 weeks early; what can I say…the babes want to be cuddled and loved.

It has been a never-ending learning experience for us newbie parents, we come to the NICU everyday and sit with them. We do a lot of skin on skin contact with them for most of the day; we can’t seen to get enough of them. This has been our normal everyday lives, there are other little things that creep up but for the most part we are here at the hospital loving and protecting them.

Everyday as I grab one of my babies, I rest him on my chest and listen to him breathe…in and out. There are times that there are blips on the monitor and maybe I need to poke them as they’re just a little too comfortable and forget to breathe. I kiss them and hug them and just stare at them in awe…I look at their dad and think, we created these two little humans. These little ones were in my belly, kicking and moving and basically preparing me for no sleep.

I smile as I think about these things and yet I have a nagging feeling in the back of my mind. I wonder if I did something that caused them to come early. Should I maybe have just continued with the bed rest, should I have admitted myself to the hospital to ensure that I kept them in longer. It is a feeling of guilt that I carry around with me since the day they were born, it seems to be the natural mommy protection mode. I can’t seem to shake it and always wonder, could I have done anything different to prevent my babies from coming 7 weeks early?

I stare at them as we’re in the NICU and wonder to myself, what should I have done differently? I have asked a few of the nurses here and they’re really good about telling me that it wasn’t my fault they came early…they just did. I know that they’ve probably heard it all before and are just trying to put my mind at ease. I know what they are saying is true and that I may not have been able to do anything to prevent them from coming early. But that doesn’t stop the guilt from coming each and every day. There are days that are harder than others in the NICU…and I wonder, did I do that? Did I make it difficult for my babies as they’re here early? Will there be long term side affects? Will this just be a blip in the radar as time goes on? How do I get rid of the guilt? Will I ever get rid of the guilt?

I can’t answer that last question but I know that I feel it everyday…

Missing my mom now more that I'm a mom

Missing My Mom More Now That I’m a Mom

March 20, 2016

I have been a mom for exactly 21 days now and boy oh boy has it been an amazing feeling. Words seriously can’t describe the joy and contentment that these two boys bring to my life. I have heard people say that who have had children and honestly it is such an amazing feeling, that you really can’t describe in words how you feel.

For me, I feel as though my life is complete now that I have them. I had always thought that I had everything that I ever needed to be happy and live a long life. Then these two came along and I was finally able to experience what true love and true happiness is. I can’t speak for anyone else but to me, that’s the best way that I can describe it.

The only thing that I am missing right now in my life is my mom, I now understand some of the hard things she had to do and why she did them. She did so much for us and I never recognized it, the love that she felt for us was probably just as great as the love that I feel for my children. I so wish that she were here right now so that she could see how amazing these two little men in my life are. How precious they are and how much spunk they already have, she would’ve loved them. She would’ve demanded to see them everyday, even if she was in the hospital and sick. It would have been a dream come true for her as I think she always wanted to be a grandparent. She would’ve been so good at it; I can only imagine how amazing she would have been. My kids would’ve been spoiled but it would’ve been worth it for her to get to spend some time with my little ones. Oh, how I miss her so.

She could’ve given me advice on things that I know I have no idea about, as I am a first time mom. I know that she would’ve helped me with any of those normal questions that you get to ask your mom. I will sometimes hear friends talk about their mom and how they get to ask them questions or how helpful they are and I think to myself…”I have no mom to ask these questions”. Then I start to tear up and think “this sucks” and “I wish my mom was here”.

I’m good most days as I am kept pretty busy with these little ones so I don’t really have the time to ‘woes is me’ but I am human and I have my moments where I wish I could talk to her and I wish that she could see them and hold them and talk to them.

Shortly after my mom passed away I was talking with one of my Auntie’s and I had said to her that I wished that I had given my mom grandchildren. I cried all the way home as I thought about that statement and how much it would’ve meant to her to have grandbabies. It pained me that I couldn’t give her that one thing…but as I thought about it, I think it would’ve been that much harder for her to leave and let them go as well as us.

I hadn’t given that conversation much thought until I started to write this post. I guess I always knew she wanted grandbabies and now that I have them, she’s not here to enjoy them. Weird how things work out. I know that she would tell me what I need to hear to make me feel better and I know she would answer any questions that I had about them. She would’ve been a wonderful grandmother. I have missed my mom everyday since she passed away…I just seem to be feeling the distance a little more now that I’m a mom.

Our First Few Days

Our First Few Days…

March 2, 2016

Well it’s only been a few days since our little bundles of joy have come into this world and I couldn’t be more delighted. With my babes coming into the world a little earlier than they were suppose to, we are scheduled to stay in the NICU for a little while. Apparently, in the last trimester, the babes in the womb develop the knowledge that sucking, swallowing and breathing all happen at different times. Because they were born at 32 weeks and 6 days, they haven’t quite developed that particular skill.

They are big boys according to the nurses here, all they have to do is grow and learn those skills I mentioned above. This is such great news to us as we were worried something might be wrong or they may need more help but my babes are doing great and they mentioned moving us closer to home for convenience and the beds in this hospital may be needed for more urgent babes.

Speaking of this hospital, we didn’t plan on having the boys here as it’s not exactly the closest hospital to us. But by some miracle and turn of fate, the boys were born here in the exact same hospital that both the Mr. and I were born in.

We had planned to have them closer to home but it was discovered when I was 24 weeks pregnant that I had a shortened cervix and because of the situation, this was the best hospital for us as they deal with these types of things on a daily basis. We would come here weekly to get an ultrasound (after I was put on bedrest), to ensure that nothing had changed and that the babes were still growing. Week after week, we would come to my scheduled appointment and week after week we would wait for over an hour to get seen. We would always get the ok and to keep doing what I was doing as it was good for the babes and nothing had changed. Every week was another week the babes stayed inside to bake and we would get closer and closer to our goal of 32 weeks. This is when the babes are safest to come, should they come early. Their lungs have developed and they have a really good chance of no long term lung damage or issues.

They stayed in there until they needed to and I remember walking out of the hospital when I reached 32 weeks. The doctors said they didn’t want to see me again until it was time for the babes to come. They said the babes and I were healthy and to keep taking it easy, I thought we were good to go and that they would stay in there just 3-4 weeks longer. Little did I know 6 days later they wanted to make an appearance. Now here we sit watching them sleep, spending our days with them on us, skin on skin. Listening to them breath, watching for any noise on the monitor. They are just so precious to us and we are both so emotional that we can’t talk about how happy they make us without crying.  It’s just so amazing how much we love these two little men and yet we just met them.

It’s going to be a little while until we get to take them home and it’s a little overwhelming seeing them attached to the monitors but it’s for the best and they are in the safest place possible…second to my womb. I don’t know how long we will be here but we are going to enjoy spending every minute with them…even if it is in the NICU.