Am I to Blame?

Am I to Blame?

April 2, 2016

It has been officially a month since my babes made their debut into the world and what a debut it has been. It has been love at first sight since they decided they wanted to come 7 weeks early; what can I say…the babes want to be cuddled and loved.

It has been a never-ending learning experience for us newbie parents, we come to the NICU everyday and sit with them. We do a lot of skin on skin contact with them for most of the day; we can’t seen to get enough of them. This has been our normal everyday lives, there are other little things that creep up but for the most part we are here at the hospital loving and protecting them.

Everyday as I grab one of my babies, I rest him on my chest and listen to him breathe…in and out. There are times that there are blips on the monitor and maybe I need to poke them as they’re just a little too comfortable and forget to breathe. I kiss them and hug them and just stare at them in awe…I look at their dad and think, we created these two little humans. These little ones were in my belly, kicking and moving and basically preparing me for no sleep.

I smile as I think about these things and yet I have a nagging feeling in the back of my mind. I wonder if I did something that caused them to come early. Should I maybe have just continued with the bed rest, should I have admitted myself to the hospital to ensure that I kept them in longer. It is a feeling of guilt that I carry around with me since the day they were born, it seems to be the natural mommy protection mode. I can’t seem to shake it and always wonder, could I have done anything different to prevent my babies from coming 7 weeks early?

I stare at them as we’re in the NICU and wonder to myself, what should I have done differently? I have asked a few of the nurses here and they’re really good about telling me that it wasn’t my fault they came early…they just did. I know that they’ve probably heard it all before and are just trying to put my mind at ease. I know what they are saying is true and that I may not have been able to do anything to prevent them from coming early. But that doesn’t stop the guilt from coming each and every day. There are days that are harder than others in the NICU…and I wonder, did I do that? Did I make it difficult for my babies as they’re here early? Will there be long term side affects? Will this just be a blip in the radar as time goes on? How do I get rid of the guilt? Will I ever get rid of the guilt?

I can’t answer that last question but I know that I feel it everyday…

Missing my mom now more that I'm a mom

Missing My Mom More Now That I’m a Mom

March 20, 2016

I have been a mom for exactly 21 days now and boy oh boy has it been an amazing feeling. Words seriously can’t describe the joy and contentment that these two boys bring to my life. I have heard people say that who have had children and honestly it is such an amazing feeling, that you really can’t describe in words how you feel.

For me, I feel as though my life is complete now that I have them. I had always thought that I had everything that I ever needed to be happy and live a long life. Then these two came along and I was finally able to experience what true love and true happiness is. I can’t speak for anyone else but to me, that’s the best way that I can describe it.

The only thing that I am missing right now in my life is my mom, I now understand some of the hard things she had to do and why she did them. She did so much for us and I never recognized it, the love that she felt for us was probably just as great as the love that I feel for my children. I so wish that she were here right now so that she could see how amazing these two little men in my life are. How precious they are and how much spunk they already have, she would’ve loved them. She would’ve demanded to see them everyday, even if she was in the hospital and sick. It would have been a dream come true for her as I think she always wanted to be a grandparent. She would’ve been so good at it; I can only imagine how amazing she would have been. My kids would’ve been spoiled but it would’ve been worth it for her to get to spend some time with my little ones. Oh, how I miss her so.

She could’ve given me advice on things that I know I have no idea about, as I am a first time mom. I know that she would’ve helped me with any of those normal questions that you get to ask your mom. I will sometimes hear friends talk about their mom and how they get to ask them questions or how helpful they are and I think to myself…”I have no mom to ask these questions”. Then I start to tear up and think “this sucks” and “I wish my mom was here”.

I’m good most days as I am kept pretty busy with these little ones so I don’t really have the time to ‘woes is me’ but I am human and I have my moments where I wish I could talk to her and I wish that she could see them and hold them and talk to them.

Shortly after my mom passed away I was talking with one of my Auntie’s and I had said to her that I wished that I had given my mom grandchildren. I cried all the way home as I thought about that statement and how much it would’ve meant to her to have grandbabies. It pained me that I couldn’t give her that one thing…but as I thought about it, I think it would’ve been that much harder for her to leave and let them go as well as us.

I hadn’t given that conversation much thought until I started to write this post. I guess I always knew she wanted grandbabies and now that I have them, she’s not here to enjoy them. Weird how things work out. I know that she would tell me what I need to hear to make me feel better and I know she would answer any questions that I had about them. She would’ve been a wonderful grandmother. I have missed my mom everyday since she passed away…I just seem to be feeling the distance a little more now that I’m a mom.

Our First Few Days

Our First Few Days…

March 2, 2016

Well it’s only been a few days since our little bundles of joy have come into this world and I couldn’t be more delighted. With my babes coming into the world a little earlier than they were suppose to, we are scheduled to stay in the NICU for a little while. Apparently, in the last trimester, the babes in the womb develop the knowledge that sucking, swallowing and breathing all happen at different times. Because they were born at 32 weeks and 6 days, they haven’t quite developed that particular skill.

They are big boys according to the nurses here, all they have to do is grow and learn those skills I mentioned above. This is such great news to us as we were worried something might be wrong or they may need more help but my babes are doing great and they mentioned moving us closer to home for convenience and the beds in this hospital may be needed for more urgent babes.

Speaking of this hospital, we didn’t plan on having the boys here as it’s not exactly the closest hospital to us. But by some miracle and turn of fate, the boys were born here in the exact same hospital that both the Mr. and I were born in.

We had planned to have them closer to home but it was discovered when I was 24 weeks pregnant that I had a shortened cervix and because of the situation, this was the best hospital for us as they deal with these types of things on a daily basis. We would come here weekly to get an ultrasound (after I was put on bedrest), to ensure that nothing had changed and that the babes were still growing. Week after week, we would come to my scheduled appointment and week after week we would wait for over an hour to get seen. We would always get the ok and to keep doing what I was doing as it was good for the babes and nothing had changed. Every week was another week the babes stayed inside to bake and we would get closer and closer to our goal of 32 weeks. This is when the babes are safest to come, should they come early. Their lungs have developed and they have a really good chance of no long term lung damage or issues.

They stayed in there until they needed to and I remember walking out of the hospital when I reached 32 weeks. The doctors said they didn’t want to see me again until it was time for the babes to come. They said the babes and I were healthy and to keep taking it easy, I thought we were good to go and that they would stay in there just 3-4 weeks longer. Little did I know 6 days later they wanted to make an appearance. Now here we sit watching them sleep, spending our days with them on us, skin on skin. Listening to them breath, watching for any noise on the monitor. They are just so precious to us and we are both so emotional that we can’t talk about how happy they make us without crying.  It’s just so amazing how much we love these two little men and yet we just met them.

It’s going to be a little while until we get to take them home and it’s a little overwhelming seeing them attached to the monitors but it’s for the best and they are in the safest place possible…second to my womb. I don’t know how long we will be here but we are going to enjoy spending every minute with them…even if it is in the NICU.

Seeing Double a Little Early

Seeing Double…A Little Early

February 29, 2016

Today was the day that I became a mother, I hadn’t planned on it as my due date wasn’t for another 7 weeks. I was however carrying twins so the due date was more like 4-5 weeks away. My boys decided that they wanted to meet us and make their entrance into this world.

The day started like any other, I woke up and went downstairs to have a tea and take my meds. I did just that and decided to skip breakfast. I was being extra lazy today and didn’t really want to move off of the couch so I just laid there and hung out. After a few hours had passed, I decided to get up and make my way to the bathroom and make some food. I got up and took a few steps and the weirdest thing happened…water trickled down my leg. Not a large amount of water but a little bit. I immediately was scared as I had zero signs of going into labour and couldn’t figure out what was wrong. I called Healthlink and the Mr. both of them said to head to the hospital. The Mr. and I chatted and I still had no signs and after some deliberation we decided not to take the bag I had yet to pack. We figured it was just Braxton hicks and that I would be sent home as I wasn’t due for another 4-5 weeks.

I got into the car and we headed to the hospital where I had been going for my weekly checkups and on the way there I started to feel some serious pain, as in contraction pains. We started to time them and they were about 3-5 minutes apart. We both had a panicked look on our faces and were quite surprised but again chalked it up to Braxton hicks and I would just breath through them and we would carry on our way. We got to the hospital and luckily I paid attention in class and went to labour and delivery instead of the ER. We made our way up to the 4^th floor and signed in; the pain was a little more persistent as I waited for someone in a bed. A doctor came around and we talked and then she checked to see if I was indeed having Braxton hicks and it turns out…I was 4-5cms dilated. Both the Mr. and I were totally caught off guard and looked at each other and said “Ok, I guess it’s time”.

Thanks to our prenatal class we were very prepared and knew what to say when asked all of the questions. It was mayhem to be honest, people were everywhere and everyone was asking questions. After they got things in place and all the questions were answered it was quite a quiet process. I opted for the epidural as with twins it is “recommended” but not recommended. We waited for that to come and once I had it done, I felt no pain at all. Then we just waited for what seemed like forever, I dilated naturally about 1cm an hour. All I could think was man oh man, I hope these babies stay inside of me until March 1^st as I didn’t want leap year babies.

Once I was fully dilated, I started to push and push and push. It is definitely not like the movies, the waiting and the pushing. The breathing and the people…it is just a never ending barrage of people, nurses, doctors, residents, nursing students, the epidural person and plenty other people I just can’t remember. After 2hrs of unsuccessful pushing, we were offered a c-section…again thanks to our prenatal class we were fully prepared for that and agreed that these babies just weren’t moving.

I was prepped for surgery and wheeled to another room where the epidural was turned down a bit between pushes as the resident didn’t think I could feel the urge to push…like really?? Ask any mom who has gone into labour and even with drugs, your body tells you when to push. As I was wheeled to the operating room, my pain increased between contractions…meaning my body was ready to get these little men out to the world and the epidural was turned down more than they let me know.

The trip felt as though it took hours, when in reality it was minutes. I once again got to meet a whole other group of people who would be helping me bring these little men into our world. It was an organized process or so it seemed, I think it was not so hectic or frenzied as the boys weren’t in distress and neither was I.  After I got hooked back up to the epidural and was comfortable, they began to get my babies out. The Mr. was there in the room with me and then we waited, the doctors were really good about letting us know what was happening so nothing was a surprise. We heard the doctor say “Oh that’s why he didn’t want to come out”, turns out my first babe wanted to come out shoulder first…as a backstory, once he discovered my cervix, he never left it. LOL. A few minutes later at 11:44PM on February 29^th the doctor said to us “Congratulations, it’s a boy” and then we heard him cry…oh, what a feeling. I have never been so happy to hear a cry from a baby, I knew this was a good sign and couldn’t wait to see one of my little men. The nurse came around the corner and there he was…my big man, my first child, my son. All I could do was cry as a wave of happiness came over me and all I wanted to do was to hold him but I know that I couldn’t as he needed to be assessed because he was eager to get out to meet us.

The nurse took him and I told the Mr. to go with them, as this was the plan we decided on from prenatal as we knew that the babies would be taken to be assessed in the attached room right beside us. He would go with the first babe born and I would stay with the other…until he made his debut into the world. Once our first born was assessed and all signs were good, the Mr. came back to see our second little man make his entrance. The doctor once again said at 11:45PM on February 29^th “Congratulations, it’s another boy”! We once again looked at each other and smiled and cried, my little one however was quickly shown to us in a drive by. He was a little smaller and they had to break his sack in order to get him out as he was completely content waiting another 4-5 weeks. He cried and was breathing but just to be safe they took him to the assessment room to make sure he was ok. We once again cried and the Mr. accompanied them both to the room and I told him to stay with them until they got me sorted out and into recovery.

Everything after that seemed to be a blur, I was too drugged up to really comprehend anything and I was exhausted. Not only did I push for 2hrs but I also had a c-section…I literally went through two procedures at the same time. My body had reached it’s limit and I was done. I remember them wheeling me into recovery, where they wheeled my babes in to see us and I touched their heads and saw one baby who looked just like me and another baby who looked just like his dad. It was remarkable that I was able to carry these two tiny human beings inside of me and love them as much as I did. I just wanted to be with them but realized that I couldn’t so I sent the Mr. to be with them and I would sleep for a bit. The recovery team took me to my room and got me settled…I remember having and seeing family but I can’t tell you what we talked about. I just remember being so elated and happy beyond words…the Mr. was really good as he stayed with our little men while they were being monitored. I can’t tell you how crazy of a time it was but I can sure tell you that I feel as though we did everything right. I never in a million years knew what it was going to feel like to be a mother…but I also never thought that I was going to ever be given the opportunity to be a mother. It really is a feeling of completeness, I didn’t know that this is what I was missing in my life. For years I had friends who had children and I would always ask how they felt. They would always say, so happy and amazing…but I never fully understood it until I became a mother. I guess the old adage is true, you never really know until it happens to you.

I am over the moon happy with becoming a mom to my two special little men, I don’t have names picked out for them but their dad and I have settled on two…we just have to see who fits what name better. I hope this feeling never ends as I can honestly say that I have never been this happy in my life before…all thanks to my little men’s debut into the world.

Bedrest, what is that?

Bedrest…what’s that?

December 31, 2015

I had a regular scheduled ultrasound yesterday to see how things are progressing and it turns out…not so well. The tech who performed the ultrasound informed me that it looks like I have a shortened cervix, but will call my obgyn and then she will call me to let me know what’s what. I have to say I was on pins and needles the whole day and it turns out that my OB is on holidays. Despite my OB being away, her partner called me and we went in to see him and he said that yes I do have a shortened cervix and that he’s going to send me to the hospital to see what they have to say as they have dealt with these types of things before.

After a tense 15 minute drive we pulled in to a completely empty ward and were escorted right into a bed. After many tests and ultrasounds, it was discovered that my cervix was 1.5cm long and that I was to go on bedrest. They also let me know that I had to get some shots that were steroids to ensure “if” the babies came early that their lungs would be strong and help them to develop. They also recommended that I get a pessary inserted to support the cervix as this has been proven to help women who have had the same issue.

I have to say that all of this coming at me at once was definitely a scary thing and once we wrapped our heads around everything we decided that we would go ahead with the shots and have the pessary inserted. It took no time at all and I was on my way back home ordered on bedrest. I honestly had never been put on bedrest and didn’t know what to do…

After digesting everything the doctors told us, we have come to terms with me being on bedrest as in the end it’s what’s best for the babies and I don’t want them to come any sooner than they need to. These little munchkins are just so eager to see us, but they are going to have to wait as mommy and daddy don’t want them to come out too early. We need them to stay in there until at least 32 weeks, I’m 24 weeks now and man oh man does that seem like a really long time away. The good news is that they will be monitoring me every week with ultrasounds and keeping me abreast of everything that is happening. Part of me is happy that it’s not as serious but part of me is sad as I wonder if there was anything that I could do. The doctor said that it happens for no reason at all and that it wasn’t my fault. Despite her telling me that, I still feel somehow responsible. All I can do now is wait and we will see what happens…c’mon 32 weeks, that is our goal.

Do we or don't we?

Do We or Don’t We?

November 20, 2015

Today is the day, I am 18 weeks pregnant and I have an ultrasound scheduled to see what the sex of the babies are. It has taken some time for us to wrap our heads around the fact that we are having twins…let along know what we are having. We tossed and turned about finding out the sex as we were torn but because we had to think of two baby names, we wanted to get a head start on it and not be fumbling at the last minute.

The first baby wasn’t as cooperative as we were hoping, it took a bit of time but once we got the right angle and another million pictures were taken…we discovered our first baby was going to be a boy! We were pretty happy as I had suspected since the day I discovered I was pregnant that I was having a boy.

We then moved on to baby ‘b’, this one was a little more difficult and time consuming. This little one did not want to cooperate…I turned this way and that way and tried to see if I could get the little one to move…but with no avail.

The tech decided to try another technique and low and behold once she did whatever she did, my little one agreed to cooperate. There in all it’s glory was my 20 week old baby, in my belly with it’s legs spread as wide as could be to show us another little penis…I was going to have two little boys.

I can’t tell you the joy I felt when I found out what they were, like I said I would’ve been good with whatever as long as they’re healthy and happy. When the Mr. discovered that we weren’t having a little girl, he was a little upset. I asked him if he was ok and he said yes…just would’ve been nice to have a little princess. I felt horrible after that as I never thought about it that way, I guess it’s true…all daddy’s want a little princess. We discussed trying again after these two are a bit bigger but we agreed this is a conversation for another time. Right now, I just want to focus on the fact that I’m having two little boys…now to start thinking of names.

I Guess I Can Go Back

I Guess I Can Go Back…

November 8, 2015

I was scheduled for an additional blood test and regular ultrasound, but they were scheduled at the hospital where my mom had passed away. I haven’t been there since that happened and I have to tell you I was a little nervous about going there.

The hospital where my mom passed away was the hospital where I was born. I was very nervous to go as I didn’t know what memories would come flooding back to me. I didn’t know if I was going to break down and cry or what my reaction might be. I was pregnant now and I have heard that lots of pregnant women get very emotional. So needless to say I was a little worried.

The day of the appointment, I made the familiar drive and parked across the street. As I made my way up to the doors, my stomach did a few flips and flops and my heart started to race a little. I made my way through the sliding doors and inhaled the familiar scent of disinfectant and sick people…I did not miss that. Luckily for me I was in a ward where my mom had briefly stayed but it was a positive stay so the memories weren’t so traumatic. I sat waiting for my appointment and was thinking back to all the trips I had made here and all the time I spent behind walls. I was taken back to what felt like a whole other life. Parts of things I could remember but other parts, not so much.

I don’t know if my time away from this place helped me to file those memories away and heal but I know that being there wasn’t so bad. Despite me having bad memories of the last time I walked out of here with my mom’s belongings in plastic bags. I wasn’t as upset as I thought I might be.

Maybe it was time that helped me to see that this place wasn’t so bad, I don’t know. But whatever it was, it made this visit here that much easier. I’m glad that I’ve come to terms with the last time I walked outside of these walls and I know that I can come back here and not be afraid to be overwhelmed by sad memories.