I Guess I Can Go Back

I Guess I Can Go Back…

November 8, 2015

I was scheduled for an additional blood test and regular ultrasound, but they were scheduled at the hospital where my mom had passed away. I haven’t been there since that happened and I have to tell you I was a little nervous about going there.

The hospital where my mom passed away was the hospital where I was born. I was very nervous to go as I didn’t know what memories would come flooding back to me. I didn’t know if I was going to break down and cry or what my reaction might be. I was pregnant now and I have heard that lots of pregnant women get very emotional. So needless to say I was a little worried.

The day of the appointment, I made the familiar drive and parked across the street. As I made my way up to the doors, my stomach did a few flips and flops and my heart started to race a little. I made my way through the sliding doors and inhaled the familiar scent of disinfectant and sick people…I did not miss that. Luckily for me I was in a ward where my mom had briefly stayed but it was a positive stay so the memories weren’t so traumatic. I sat waiting for my appointment and was thinking back to all the trips I had made here and all the time I spent behind walls. I was taken back to what felt like a whole other life. Parts of things I could remember but other parts, not so much.

I don’t know if my time away from this place helped me to file those memories away and heal but I know that being there wasn’t so bad. Despite me having bad memories of the last time I walked out of here with my mom’s belongings in plastic bags. I wasn’t as upset as I thought I might be.

Maybe it was time that helped me to see that this place wasn’t so bad, I don’t know. But whatever it was, it made this visit here that much easier. I’m glad that I’ve come to terms with the last time I walked outside of these walls and I know that I can come back here and not be afraid to be overwhelmed by sad memories.