Goodbye Gord Downie

Goodbye Gord Downie

December 31, 2017

I like many was in shock to hear that the lead singer of The Tragically Hip, Gord Downie was diagnosed with brain cancer. The reason this comes up tonight is that we decided to finally watch the documentary ‘Long Time Running’. It was very emotional to watch not only because of the things that the band had to go through but there were some scenes in there that reminded me of when my brother almost died.

Back in 1997 my brother had gotten into an accident, my cousin was driving and as usual he was always trying to show off and speed like normal…only this time my brother almost died because of it. It was terrible and I would never want to wish that on anyone, I remember the uncontrollable screaming coming from the ER until they could sedate him. I remember sleeping at his bedside in the ICU, I remember seeing his frail body in the hospital bed. I remember him waking up and not having control over his body or his eyes. I remember him standing up on his bed, I remember him crying telling my mom that my sister and I wouldn’t be back. I remember it all and frankly I hated every stinking memory.

This documentary brought me back to a time when we didn’t know what the outcome was going to be. We didn’t know if or when my brother was going to leave the hospital, we didn’t know if he was ever going to be able to do things for himself again. It was horrible. I could see how beaten up and broken Gord was in this documentary and I remember seeing that in my brother. Not only were we upset about what was happening but so were the victims.

I had to turn away a few times as I just couldn’t bear to watch some parts as they hit a little too close to home for me. They took me to a place that I had left behinds so long ago. The things that Gord was saying made me want to cry for him but also for my brother. You start to hurt for people when you know that they are going through a hard time. Sadly though, in this documentary we know what the ending was…

But with my brother I think about all the work he put into himself and how he has recovered. He is an amazing person and the things he can do still amaze me. I’m sure there are some things that he struggles with today but you wouldn’t ever know. He has truly come a long way and I’m happy for that. I’m sad that the world has lost such an amazing person but I’m glad that my brother was able to persevere.

Jealous Again

Jealous Again

December 17, 2017

My cousins daughter in law posted her maternity photos today and as beautiful as they were I can’t help but feel a pang of jealousy and hurt. Don’t get me wrong she was beautiful and I was super happy for her but I just have visions of the ones I didn’t get done.

I had them scheduled and was prepared to go out in the cold and have them done…problem was both the photographer and I cancelled as the weather was so terrible. The next day my babes wanted to join us in the outside world. They didn’t want to wait the few extra weeks they were suppose to, they wanted to be with us.

As much as I loved seeing my babies and cuddling them and holding them…I still wished that I had gotten some maternity photos done. I wished that I had even taken more pictures of myself and my baby bump. I wished that I had more of a record…

I know that I can’t go back in time but just this once I wish that I could. I know when I was pregnant I felt like every woman, huge and disgusting. I know it’s a weird thing that we women go through. We are taught our whole lives that skinny is what we want to be and for the majority of our lives we are. Then we get pregnant and fat, huge even. To us this is when we feel at our worst, we can’t fully appreciate the miracle of child rearing until we’ve gone through it once. But by then it’s too late, all those memories that we wanted to capture are long gone and we can never get them back.

I wished that I had a friend who would’ve told me all this so that I wouldn’t have been late to the party and had this regret. I think I’m taking it especially hard are I don’t have regrets in my life and this one is a pretty big one to have.

Maybe one day I’ll get over it but for now, that time ain’t happening anytime soon.

And then there were four...

And then there were four…

December 1, 2017

They finally arrived, I had ordered them a week ago and I couldn’t wait for their arrival. I took some time but when I saw them I knew that they were the ones. I unwrapped them and to my surprise they were pretty boring but I could put stuff on them and most importantly, I could hang our Christmas stockings on them. Yes, they were stocking holders…who would think that they would be such a pain in the ass to find some that weren’t totally gawdy looking and that went with any theme should I decide to change it up.

I put them on the mantle and then I got to hang up the stockings as they were the final touch for the mantel this year. I hung up the stockings and then it dawned on me that I hadn’t ever hung up 4 stockings before. I had only ever had the ones for the Mr. and I. But this year was different as I got to hang all the stockings up for the Mr. the boys and myself.

My heart skipped a beat a little bit as a smiled crossed my face. I can’t tell you how happy that made me. I think because there was a point in time that I didn’t think that I was going to have anything other than furbabies.

I stood back and admired my handiwork and thought to myself, I love that I have a family to do this for now. I know my babes are just little and this is only their second Christmas but I want to make each and every one special for them. I want them to love Christmas as much as I do and to appreciate all the little things.

To me, having four stockings to hang will always be a happy thing for me. If there happens to be another one to hang, so be it…but for now I will appreciate and love what I have.

Christmas Baking

Christmas Baking

November 29, 2017

Today is the day scheduled for my girlfriend and I to get our Christmas baking done. Despite us doing this for many years together it always seems like it takes forever and that it’s a monumental task. This year was no different but it seemed like we might have finally fine tuned our timing.

As we were taking turns rotating cookie sheets and icing whatever it was that needed to be iced a Christmas carol came on. What do you know it was my mom and grandma’s favourite Christmas song,  ‘Pretty Paper’ by Roy Orbison.

I am not kidding you every time that I hear this song, I instantly think of my mom and grandma. I told my girlfriend this and was explaining to her how my grandmother would stay up all night Christmas eve and prepare the Christmas feast for the family. How she would set the table with her pretty linens and fancy dishes and would listen to Christmas carols.

I wasn’t around for all of this but these are the memories that my mom had of her mom and she loved to share them with me. I liked that she passed these little stories from her childhood down to me. At least when I do something Christmasy, I know where I might have gotten it from.

Anyhow as I’m telling this story to my girlfriend we were on opposite ends of the kitchen and I must’ve stopped what I was doing and started to stare into space as I was telling her this story as I realized that I was starting at her fridge. I stopped and looked over at my friend and said “wow, I can’t believe that I didn’t cry when I told you that story”. To my dismay, it was my girlfriend who was crying and in her tears said “that was such a beautiful story”.

I think it is too and after some consoling on my part I agreed with her and said but it’s a happy story that I can carry the tradition on. I think both my mom and grandma would be proud. I suspect that every time my girlfriend hears that song she will think of my mom and grandma and me. I’m glad that I could be a part of a story that has been going on for three generations now.

Cartoons can bring back memories to, who knew?

Cartoons can bring back memories too, who knew?

November 12, 2017

Now that I have little my television watching has definitely changed, long gone are the days of CSI or NCIS or whatever other acronym crime drama is on now. Now my evenings and weekends are full of Disney Junior and Treehouse. It use to be Treehouse but as I evolved as a parent so did the selection of cartoon channels.

The boys have their favourites, some old and some new but overall they’re cartoons and something to entertain them with. I usually have them on in the background for noise or in the hopes that something might catch their eye and slow them down just a little bit. Sometimes it works and other times it doesn’t.

One Saturday morning I had the boys up and the opening theme to ‘Go Diego Go’ came on and I stopped drinking my tea and had a little bit of a daydream about me on my mat leave with the boys last winter. That show was on back to back to back at one point in time and I remember the boys being somewhat interested in it.

They glanced at the screen as they probably recognized the theme as well and then went back to what they were destroying at that moment. I chuckled a little bit and was also sad as I remember them being in their ‘circle of neglect’ bouncing up and down, getting excited about the toys attached to this contraption. They were so teeny tiny them and my heart skipped a beat as I realized they are growing up way too quickly. This was only last winter for crying out loud and now they’re little terrorists.

They’re into everything and anything they can get their hands on. Both smart as a whip but curious nonetheless. Who knew that the opening song to a cartoon could make me think back to the winter before when all my waking hours were spent with my little munchkins. Makes me almost want to have another little one…but then again I’m happy with the two that I have right now.

The Last Piece of Bread

The Last Piece of Bread

October 26, 2017

I decided to make some toast this morning and grabbed the loaf of bread or I guess what was left of the bread. It was the end piece (the heel) and the second slice in, at first I wasn’t going to use the bread and realized that I had been throwing the ends of the bread out. I don’t know when that changed or what happened that made me think that I could be one of those people who can just throw out good food.

I think the reason this is a little bit of a big deal is that I didn’t grow up with a whole lot of things. We were a one income family as my dad insisted on being the bread winner and wanted my mom to be at home for us. We would go shopping once every two weeks and the food had to last us until the next paycheque came. So to us, we wouldn’t even give it another thought to not eat the end piece of the bread, in fact I think there were times we fought over that piece of bread and here I am years later just wasting it and throwing it out.

Now that I have kids of my own, I want them to appreciate the food that we work hard for and don’t want them to waste things. I want them to know that we work hard for our money and everything we buy. I want them to also work hard for things and also appreciate things so that they won’t waste things either. How do I do that when they see me throwing out the end piece of the bread…as they will think that is a normal thing and I don’t want them think that’s ok.

Amazing how a piece of bread can make you really think things through. Every time I make toast or a sandwich I will always make sure to use the end piece of the bread. I hope that I can pass this along to my kids so that they can appreciate things, food and everything that we work hard for.

Wow, the last piece of bread…so insightful.

Sad to see you go

Sad to see you go

October 17, 2017

I was saddened to hear that Sears had announced that it’s starting to liquidate it’s stock, the final nail in the coffin. The media had made it sound like there might have been hope for Sears to recover initially but sadly that wasn’t the case. A pang of sadness passed through me as I explained in one of my earlier blogs that I had worked there and it was a very big help for me financially and emotionally.

I enjoyed the time I worked there, the people and the atmosphere. Not only was I an employee there but I also shopped there. I shopped there on a regular basis, not only when I worked there but afterwards.

But the biggest thing that I use to look forward to from Sears was the ‘Wishbook’. I don’t think that I was alone in this. I would eagerly wait to get the Wishbook each and every fall, not only as a kid but as an adult. There was always something I could order in the catalogue that was only specific to the holiday season. It was something that wasn’t in rotation throughout the year and wasn’t overly priced. There was always so much to see and no matter how many times you went through the Wishbook you would still peruse through it again and again.

As a kid I would mark the pages and circle the items that I wanted or ‘wished’ to get. I can totally understand why it was called a Wishbook…I think that is what I will miss the most when Sears is gone.

I don’t know what will ever replace that as online shopping just isn’t the same. I feel like I’m getting so old as a lot of the things that I use to find as part of my generations lives are disappearing. I just wish we weren’t losing the Wishbook.

Ella you little bitch

Ella you little bitch!

October 5, 2017

After the boys went to sleep the Mr. and I were sitting down to relax before we hit the hay as well and the cat that I inherited from my mom decided to come down for some pets. She made her way to the Mr. but just as he was about to pet her she ran away. The Mr. looked at her and said “Ella, you little bitch”. I stopped dead in my tracks, as that is exactly what my mom use to call her cat.

The reason that it caught me by surprise was that yes that is verbatim what my mom use to call her. Not only that the Mr. never met my mom, ever. He never had the opportunity to meet her or see with her cat, that is why it surprised me and stopped me dead in my tracks.

I found it funny that the Mr. would call her that and I decided to ask him why he called her that and his response was pretty simple. “Because she is a little bitch”. I remember back in the day I had asked my mom the same question and oddly enough she said the same thing. How odd that these two people who never met but have me and this cat in common have come to the same conclusion about this cat.

I know that it’s an odd thing but something that happened to catch my attention at the time it happened. Despite my mom never meeting the Mr. this just makes me feel like I made the right decision that they both had the same sick sense of humour. I think she would’ve liked him and sometimes I wonder if she’s secretly sending messages through him.

Weird yes, unexpected, no. In the end, Ella really is a little bitch and I like that she’s kept that name even though my mom is gone. I know my mom would be happy that her cat is happy and is still her ‘little bitch’.

This use to be someone's home

This use to be someone’s home

September 24, 2017

I drove by this house today on my way to a suburb just outside Edmonton and I passed a house well what use to be a homestead. The house had a detached garage and was just off the main highway, in a great location for one of the acreages just outside of the city.

Problem is that was all great and dandy back in the day however with the way the city and infrastructure has grown. It’s now a car lot, it’s housing hundreds of cars. There are cars as far as the eye can see, you can’t even get into the house or garage.

Not that it matters as the house itself is boarded up but still has the beautiful wrap around porch intact. I imagined back in the day it housed a family and had a wonderful view, that the family would play, rest or possibly just sit on a rocking chair and reminisce about all that has happened. How great of a spot they have there and just how proud they would’ve been of all that they have accomplished.

But now, it sits boarded up, vacant and just a memory of a family lived there. It makes me sad to see this, don’t get me wrong I understand that we must move forward with the times and the growth of the city. But to buy someone’s homestead and just have it sit, is just a constant reminder to that family that it no longer exists as a home but as a car lot.

Not sure that I can get behind that kind of change.

What's a CD?

What’s a CD?

September 14, 2017

So I like everyone else in the world has satellite radio, if you don’t I’m sorry to hear this as I can’t stand commercials and too much talking. I subscribed to the service years ago, I can’t even remember when but I can tell you it’s been worth every penny and I absolutely love it.

Today after I dropped my kids off at daycare I was switching channels as I couldn’t find anything to listen to. It was odd but all the songs on all of my favourite channels were terrible and I couldn’t find anything to land on.

After a few minutes of sitting at a red light I took a gander into my console and saw that I had a couple of rogue CD’s in there and I decided to put one of them in as I liked all the songs on them and wanted something I could sing along to and enjoy.

I took it out of the case and popped it into the CD player in my vehicle and let it start to play. To my surprise I started to listen to the CD and sing along with most of the songs and just had such a great time that I had forgotten what it was like to pop a CD into a CD player. In fact I had noticed that having a CD player in your vehicle is an option now, not a standard. I remember when having a CD player was the option and regular AM/FM radio was the standard. When did all this change?

I like having the option of playing my CD, I’m sure like most people I would burn CD’s to play in the car…these burned CD’s replaced our mixed tapes…yes I come from that generation. We have truly come a long way.

I know that I could just plug my phone in and use Deezer or Spotify or any of the new music hubs. But I like having control of the music I listen to, yes again I know I can create playlists on any on my multiple devices but what happened to what you get is what you get? I miss those days.

I ended up popping in my favourite CD, it was Maroon 5, Songs About Jane. I remember listening to this CD over and over and over again, it is my favourite CD. I didn’t know all the songs when I first bought it but I learned them and learned to enjoy them. I sometimes miss the good old days when things were much simpler. Less choices made things less complicated.

For now, I will enjoy my CD while I can as my next vehicle might not come with it and that will be a sad day for me as I will then have to keep up with my playlists. That in itself is a lot of work. How are all these things of convenience suppose to make life better when all it does is create more work for us?

To friend or not to friend, that is the question

To friend or not to friend, that is the question

September 7, 2017

Today I went out for lunch with my friend who I had written about who were friends with ‘the enemy’. One was on my side as she was one of the ones who had talked to me about the situation and the other one was the completely oblivious one to the sneaky and devilish ways of the enemy.

I wasn’t sure how it was going to go but thought I would bring it up and just throw all my cards out on the table. We sat down to lunch and ordered our food and drinks, did the normal pleasantries and then I brought it up.

I said to both of them that I didn’t want to interfere with their relationship with the enemy and that I am totally fine with them being her friend and besides this time I won’t be bringing her up or asking about her or anything. I know she asked about me but this wasn’t the time to bring that up. I just asked for the same respect back is all.

There was about a millisecond of a pause and the woman who is completely oblivious to the enemies wily ways wasn’t as receptive as I thought she would be. She became defensive and started to say that ‘she never said anything about me to her’ (which I know isn't true, but I let it slide) and she seemed as though she really wanted to get off the topic of it. The other woman who is on my side understood and definitely tried to help me explain things to her but the oblivious friend then turned aloof about the whole thing and we just switched gears.

That was when I saw it, she was sticking up for the enemy and this was the end of our friendship. I had let things go for too long and they were good friends and there wasn’t anything I could say or so to change that. It sucks when you can see these things happening and it kind of made me sad to know that it was over between us but I guess that was it. She had made up her mind and that was that, she had made her choice and I will respect it.

We finished our lunch together chatting about my kids and their kids and grandkids, plans for the summer and all those other things you talk to people about when you’re trying to fill the void of dead air. Once lunch was done, we said our goodbye’s and said we would make another plan to go out for lunch but knew that it was just talk.

I will miss my one friend as she was fun to be around, such a kindhearted and giving person and we had some good times together. I will always remember that about her...

I did end up with one friend out of the situation and I will continue to chat and make time for her as she really does genuinely want to be my friend and that’s all that matters. It just sucks that it’s over with one friend, but I will move on and maybe in time we will reconnect. For now I will respect her wishes and step back.

I Miss my Friends

I Miss my Friends

August 29, 2017

I was missing my friends when I was on maternity leave, just a specific few of them…but I had let it slide because I knew that we were in different stages of life. These gals were a good 15 years older than me and while I’m having my kids, their having grandkids. So I let it slide and then started to notice that my arch 'enemy' had somehow wormed her way back in with my select friends.

I had let it slide as I assumed it would be a fad and when she was done with them that she was going to move on to greener pastures like she normally does. That didn’t seem to be the case in this situation. Oddly though I had two of my friends approach me and tell me that they too missed me and that “it just wasn’t the same without me”. They also pinpointed my absence to the enemy and both had a similar opinion of her that wasn’t that stellar.

I had confirmed that the enemy was indeed like that and I thought she might’ve changed as time has gone on but I can’t speak to that as I haven’t talked to her in roughly 10 years. But it was definitely interesting to see that both of these ladies could see through the enemy’s façade but I couldn’t understand why the one friend couldn’t see it.

I was completely honest with both of these ladies and told them how I felt and how I would respect their time with the enemy. I decided to just take a step back and see where things go from here. I know in time the enemy will do something stupid and reveal her true colours but I don’t know how long it will be before that happens. Part of me wants it to happen sooner rather than later but karma doesn’t usually work that fast…not for me anyhow.

I also looked at it without callous and in a mature fashion that part of it was my fault that I was a new mom and wasn’t able to have the same friendship with them that I had before…but I also realized that it was a two sided coin. They could’ve made the effort as well as I did invite them to the baby shower and the boys’ first birthday…they just chose not to come. I guess I just decided that it was a time thing and we just drifted apart and maybe if it’s meant to be that we will somehow come back together.

If not, it was good while it lasted and we had some fun times and I will cherish those memories forever. They will always be a part of my life, whether it’s current, past or present.

You Gotta Be...

You Gotta Be…

August 25, 2017

I heard Des’ree singing this song today on the radio and it reminded me of my brother and sister graduating elementary school. My brother was held back a year so despite my brother and sister being a year apart they graduated elementary school at the same time.

For their graduation the teacher had put together a slideshow of her class of the memories throughout the school year.  It was playing to the song ‘You Gotta Be’ by Des’ree and the slideshow ended with a picture of my brother and sister hugging each other. I was videotaping the momentous event with my uncle’s videorecorder…the thing was huge and so heavy.

I remember taping the slideshow and as the song was coming to an end and my brother and sister’s picture was on the screen I cried. I was so touched by the gesture that the teacher had put together for her class and seeing both of them in that picture just made me so happy.

My brother was the valedictorian and gave a wonderful speech about moving forward with the next chapter of their lives and all I could think was ‘Yes, this is the next step to your future’. My how far we’ve come.

Every time I hear that song, I think of my kid sister and kid brother. About them graduating elementary school and just how far they’ve come in their lives. I hope that they want to continue to move ahead in life and keep making good decisions.

I will always associate this song with them and always wish all the lyrics in the song for them.

Seeing my mom in my auntie

Seeing my mom in my Auntie

July 24, 2017

I saw my auntie today as we were visiting my cousins in BC, I almost started to cry when I saw her. Not only does she look a lot like my mom but her hands were all crippled up like my mom’s were and it took me back to my mom being in the hospital. I know that I teared up and almost started to bawl like a baby but somehow held it together.

I went over and sat with her and just listened to what she had to say. As she told me stories I would steal glimpses of her hands, her feet and her knees. Those particular joints seemed to stand out to me the most as those were the ones that affected my mom.

I would grab her hands and feel them and ask her if she was in pain, she said no but I knew better. I could feel the warmth through her skin and knew that they were inflamed and there wasn’t anything I could do for her to make her feel better.

I remember my mom telling me stories as she was in the hospital about how she would rub her mom’s hands and I think I did the same thing to her as she was in the hospital. It’s a weird thing to do I know but it made me feel closer to my mom by rubbing my aunt’s hands.

I listened intently to her stories, even though I had heard them a million times. I introduced her to my kids. She was happy and she almost teared up as I suppose no one thought that I was going to have babies and probably because she knew my mom would’ve been happy to have them…so it was an all around teary day. We had a little moment between us sitting in the corner just listening to each other and just being overall happy.

Despite seeing my aunt like that I couldn’t help but be taken back to my mom. Oh how I wish she was here. To see my kids, to see me, to help me with my babes. It’s moments like this that I miss her the most.

Sears

Sears

June 22, 2017

I had heard a few weeks ago about Sears filing for bankruptcy and it broke my heart to hear that I had worked there almost 15 years ago. I had since gone into the store to buy a few things as I still actually shopped there and to my surprise the store looked barren, disorganized and just overall like it had given up. It had fallen so far from when I had worked there in 1998 (I think?)

I had just moved here from Ontario and had brought forward some personal debt with me after a messy break-up. In retrospect it wasn’t a whole lot of money that I owed to people but at that time it was a lot of money to me and I wanted to pay everyone back. Not to mention I was out of work and had to borrow money from my sister just to get here, so needless to say I was in a bit of a hurry to pay everyone back as quickly as I could.

I already had a part time job working at a ski hill with my mom, it worked out great as we could carpool but it was only 3 days a week. I needed something that was a bit more permanent, so I heard Sears was hiring and decided I would drop off a resume and interview that same day. Lucky for me, I interview well and they offered me a part time job. It would only be over the holidays and couldn’t guarantee me a permanent position come the New Year. I accepted and figured the extra income couldn’t hurt. I started off a couple days a week but that quickly progressed to 4 days a week, which meant I was working two jobs and working 7 days a week. Looking back on it, I don’t know how I did it and how I didn’t get sick more often…but I didn’t. I worked my butt off and made a payment plan for everyone.

Back in this day, I wrote a lot of post dated cheques and had a calendar hanging on my wall to let me know when I would have payments come out of my bank account. I know it sounds a little archaic but back in that day, that’s how things were done. After about 5 months of working 7 days a week, I had paid off all my outstanding debts. I was surprised that it took me that short of a time period to pay everyone off but when I did get everyone paid off, I was pretty proud of myself.

Anyhow, back on track here…when I worked at Sears we had to be there 10 minutes before our shifts so that we could be up to date on the latest specials and what we had on hand and what we didn’t. I usually worked the night shift as no one really wanted this shift but I didn’t mind. I enjoyed the quiet time and the fact that I could make sure that the area was in tiptop shape before I left each and every night.

My old Supervisor’s name was Elaine and she was such a nice woman and looking back on it she was able to accommodate almost all of our requests. Keep in mind this was coming from all of us 20 year olds who always seemed to have something going on and needed time off. She was a good supervisor, she was stern but not in a bad way. She laid out the expectations that she had for us and the department and I have to say they were pretty strict. Our department had to be cleaned every night and had to be in showroom condition for the morning shift. No shoes hanging around and not put away, no garbage or anything from the shoe boxes laying on the floor. Even the shoe display’s had to all have tags on them and the display shoes were always the left shoes. It took a little bit of time to figure out the routine but once you got it, it was actually pretty easy.

Looking back on how strict things use to be compared to now…I just can’t fathom how far it’s come from where it use to be. What happened? Well, we all know when a company starts to get into financial trouble…the stores start to suffer. However in this case, the stores are bare, large areas of the stores have old display cases in them, piled up just sitting there.

This once pristine and well kept store was just a free for all. I miss how nice the store use to look and it truly makes me sad to know how far it has gone. The signs are all there, despite them filing for bankruptcy protection…I can clearly see that the stores are going to close, it’s just a matter of time.

Making my old life work with my new life

Making my old life work with my new life

June 1, 2017

I’ve been back to work for about a month now and wow oh wow are things a lot different than I thought they would be. Don’t get me wrong I didn’t think everything was going to be unicorns and rainbows but I thought there would be a few hiccups here and there. Little did I know they would put a huge roadblock in that plan.

I went back to work for one day and then was at home with a teething fevered baby for the next 2 days. Then the weekend came and I worked almost all week except for one where one of my littles was sick. The rest of the month was pretty much the same, days off here and there for reasons that were beyond my control. I had no idea heading back to work would cause this much disruption in our day to day lives.

This got me to thinking, how in the world is this going to work where I’m not missing half a month just to take care of my kids. When will this cycle end? I don’t really know how to handle this situation as I’ve never been in it before, this is all new to me.

I am starting to feel a little overwhelmed as I don’t really know how my old life and my new one will fit together. Do I need to completely abandon my old life now that I have kids? I don’t think so but I think I need to make some adjustments. I want to try and keep some of my old life in my new one as that is the person that I am and honestly I don’t think that we’re meant to change 180 degrees when kids come. We make adjustments, we make arrangements, we make it work. And that’s what I’m going to try and do.

I want to try and find that balance between work and home life, try to be there for my kids, the Mister and myself. I suspect as time goes on it will be a lot of trial and error but I will get there. I am too determined of an individual not to, I will try everything before I give up.

For now, woe is me. I will try not to wallow in my self pity and try to think of ways to move ahead and find that balance. Once I do, I think all parties will be happy campers.

Back to Work

Back to Work

May 1, 2017

As I walked into the quiet and deserted office with my bags in tow and tea in my hand ready to tackle to day. I made my way to my office and stopped before I entered to have a look around to see what had changed in the time I was gone. It’s funny as I had only been gone for 15 months but it felt like an eternity.

I noticed that I had a large video screen in my office taking up space, a 34” monitor that just seemed too huge to be real and all my shoes had been piled into a box beside my desk. Turns out that one of our resident contractors had made residence in my office while I was off having babies. I didn’t mind one bit as I like the guy and he really hadn’t done too much to change anything. I put my laptop in it’s docking station and I thought a quick start up was going to happen but apparently the computer needed to complete oh about 100 updates. That left me with a little time to re-organize and clean up my office. It was nice to get there before everyone had arrived so that I could get settled and get everything how I wanted it.

It didn’t take long before people were arriving welcoming me back and have the idle chit chat that you have when someone has been away for awhile. It was nice to catch up with everyone and be back in the loop. I had so many questions about what I had missed, who’s gone, who’s still here, what projects are we working on, things like that. I wasn’t sure what I was going to be coming back to and how I was going to integrate myself back into ‘Working Mom’ mode but it seems to have been a good first day back.

I had some good conversations, good plans, decisions I needed to make and most of all I had some alone time to just be with not only my thoughts and ideas but also to have some complete and utter silence. I realized I missed that and despite me being a little nervous about being back to work it all turned out ok. I missed the adult conversation, I missed being able to talk and have someone listen to me and most of all I missed having a hot lunch.

Even though it’s a scary thing to return to work after 15 months away, I think I needed it for my littles but also for me. I was getting burnt out before I left and it was getting to be a little much. I got just the right amount of time off to make sure my littles were in good hands and ok with me leaving them all day. It’s something new to me but in time I know get all the kinks worked out and possibly get back to where I was before I left for work, or at least something close to what I was.

I spent most of my life working so I couldn’t imagine not going back. I enjoy the people, the time to myself and the responsibility of the job. I might not be able to do as good of a job as I did before but I sure as heck going to try. I never in a million years thought I would look forward to going to work but I do. I think for me to be a better mom for my boys I need that constant that has been in my life for well over 20 years. Like I said, I may not be the same person I was when I left but I’m going to try and be close to that same person as I can. I know things will be different and my time commitments aren’t going to be the same but I can work with what I have and see what I end up with. Fingers crossed work isn’t so hard to incorporate in my new life of motherhood.

We FINALLY made it!

We FINALLY Made it!

March 29, 2017

It has been an 11 year drought, year after year of promises of a new day and we have finally made it. The Edmonton Oilers have finally made the playoffs, as I live and breathe I can’t believe it.

What a roller coaster of emotions this city has had to endure for the past 11 years and finally our saviour Conner McDavid has come to make us rise up and become among the ranks to have playoff games. How funny that sounds typing that out as we are that excited about making the playoffs, we haven’t dared to dream past that.

This city is on fire and everywhere you look there are car flags, flags in store front windows, jersey’s on every second person and no one can keep any of the Oilers fan gear in stock. I lucked out and was able to grab us some car flags so we could also join in the fun. The Mister has even gone so far as welding a flag holder to the back of his truck. Seriously, the whole city has playoff fever and I have to say I’m loving every minute of it.

I have my littles dressed up in Oilers gear as much as I can as it’s a right of passage, I even went so far and bought them some infant Oilers jerseys. I will keep them for them and they can pass them down to their little ones when they grow up.

How far will we go in the playoffs, no one knows but to be able to cheer on our home team will be an amazing feeling. Let’s hope this is a tradition that continues.

Tinder

Tinder

March 9, 2017

I am just going through some old magazines and looked at a few articles that I had highlighted as interesting for a future read. I came across an article titled ‘tinder fomo’, it was in the April 2016 issue of Cosmopolitan. I re-read the article and once again just shook my head. The whole premise of the article was to reinforce that being on tinder is actually a good thing for people, single or coupled. I have to say I was a little disturbed at this article as it’s reasoning of why it’s a good reason to be on tinder is that it reinforces that you ‘still have it’ and are ‘f*ckable’. The article goes on to say that young people get instant pleasure from the screen or any technology for that matter. So they are basically saying that this generation of young people is using technology to not only get validation but also approval of everything that they do in their lives. This whole article makes me think back to a question that I had asked in an Organizational Behaviour class that I had taken in 2007-ish.

After discussing a lot of topics from employment to generational differences and everything in between. The instructor had said that “We are learning as much as we can about this younger generation”. I was honestly a bit surprised as I would’ve thought that we would want THEM to learn about US and previous generations so that they wouldn’t make the same mistakes that we’ve made. Even back then I was ticked off that these little self-righteous punks wanted us to learn about them…uh, I don’t think so. I’ve stood by that belief since I took the class and as time has gone on (holy 10 years), the researchers are now seeing that this generation of kids is pretty much useless. This previous statement I got from an article on CBC News. I have to say it was gratifying to hear something that I’ve known for quite some time. It just surprises me that it took so many others so long to see this.

Regardless of my opinion, the article that was in Cosmo solidifies that indeed we have a group of young people who get gratification from a screen and other forms of technology. This is a scary thing as it just reinforces that these young people lack self-esteem and confidence that is going to be needed throughout their whole lives if they want to succeed. This lack of social skills leads me to believe that they will be detached their whole lives and not understand what real communication is. They will continue to think that they need this validation and suicides and other mental health issues will be on the rise. There is a whole other conversation here about the strain on our health care system and suicides here but I’m not getting into that.

My point is that in my opinion, being on a dating site (in this case Tinder) is NOT ok when you are in a relationship. If you are committed to the person you are with, you shouldn’t want to go on these sites. It doesn’t matter if you’re not responding to the messages that you get or the likes…maybe these people should look into why they want and need this validation? Are they unhappy? Do they want something more? Do they need a pick me up (self-esteem)? Seriously people, look into the real issue instead of going online and making yourself feel happy/better or whatever the case may be. Once you discover that you may realize that being coupled and on a dating site isn’t a good combination. Seriously, why does this have to be explained to them? How do they NOT know this? Idiots!

They are one!

They are one!

March 1, 2017

I can’t believe a whole year has gone by and my babes are a year old, where has the time gone? I remember a lot of parents telling me to enjoy the first year as it seems to fly by and you don’t remember very much…well, I’m here to tell you that is 100% true.

We have come so far from that first day we brought them home, luckily with all the NICU time we had we felt very confident bringing them home. We went from completely helpless and totally dependent babes to walking, learning, growing independent babes. They are doing things that I remember daydreaming about when they were young. They comprehend so much that we tell them and they’re so attentive. It just amazes me to see the difference in not only them but us as well.

They have shown us how to be more patient, enjoy those little moments and how to survive on a little amount of sleep. LOL. I still don’t know how we’re functioning?!? The boys just continue to amaze us and surpass any expectations that we have for them. They have really become my little men and have grown so much in just one short year. I suspect that will be the case for the rest of their lives.

Their birthday is something that is not only so memorable but it’s something that I am still not 100% sure of how I want to celebrate. I think I may have it worked out but will have to see. Initially I wanted to celebrate for two days, seeing as I have two babies to celebrate. But this year when I went to celebrate on February 28^th, it felt a little surreal as last year at this time I still had the little monsters in my belly. I decided to celebrate on March 1^st instead as technically they were outside of my belly then, with their birthday being on leap year…it’s never easy having babies born on a day that technically only comes around every 4 years.

I know moving forward I will go ahead with my plan to celebrate on two days, February 28^th and March 1^st. I have decided that I will rotate who gets to celebrate on the two days so that they don’t come to expect that day as their birthday. I definitely need to make a calendar reminder about this so I don’t get mixed up. I think it will be something they will enjoy and it’s nice for everyone to have their own special day…despite them being twins.

Happy First Birthday my babies, I can’t wait to keep celebrating your special days.