He will be Remembered

Today is the day that my Uncle Lornie (Clarence) lost his battle with cancer…

He was such a good man, so generous, so giving, such a good sense of humor. He was a self-taught musician; he could play any instrument given to him. He's been playing for such a long time that music was second nature to him. He has won numerous awards and prizes for singing and music contests. Anywhere within a 50KM radius, you would find him with his fiddle or guitar in his hand waiting to go on stage…

Did I also mention that he was blind? Yep, he was blind at such a young age. He was able to see everything that went on around him even without his eyes. His instincts and his ear for music were astounding. It only took a few times for him to listen to a track and then be playing and singing it. We all envied that he took the time to really feel the music; and it showed in his playing.

My mom still talks about how he would make her and her sisters all sing; whether it was to harmonize or whether it was to sing the lead vocals. He was always pushing them to their possible best. Being the oldest child I believe that comes with a lot of responsibility, one that he was willing to take on. I mean really having 7-8 younger siblings wasn't an easy task; but he was always there for all of them when they needed some advice or guidance.

He lived his life for so long with what society would call a disability, but we never saw it that way. I don't know if it was because he was blind for so long that we were accustomed to it or because he wouldn't let us see it that way. Amazing how one person can guide your perception and allow us to have a better understanding and acceptance of blindness. I have got to give him kudos for leading such a long, healthy and happy life.

He was a big man for a reason, not only because of his big heart, but because of his big sense of humor. He had nicknames for all my Aunts, even a select few of his nieces and nephews were lucky enough to get a nickname…mine was 'Brown Sugar'. I will always cherish that fact and I will miss him.

But I know that he is gone to a better place, where he will be joined by his 'Gypsy' (his mom), his Dad, his sisters, Frances, Edna and Catharine (who passed away at age 4, but continued to play with him after her death), his son Henry (whom he cradled in his arms) his niece Martinique and many other relatives and friends.

I sometimes wonder if he is able to see now. But then the thought crosses my mind that it doesn't matter if he could use his eyes or not…he always could see. May his hands always have an instrument within them; so he can continue to play his heartfelt music…and on that one clear day, may we be lucky enough to hear it.

Ode to the Ball Team

I just re-read my last blog entry and was a bit saddened as I didn't encompass all that I was feeling when ball ended. I felt I missed out on some very important factors of why I had such a good season this year.

Yes, I will admit I sucked it up pretty bad near the end of the season; but I chalked it up to just too much going on in life. I really, truly had a great season this year! Not because I hit well, or because I played well but because of the friendships that I formed. The newly acquired friendships that I will probably have for many more years to come! I met these people randomly; and I really truly mean that. I literally one day talked to someone who mentioned to someone else that I was looking for a team and poof...my wish was granted! I came home to a message on my answering machine that I was to call Kimmie back regarding ball; so I did and I liked her instantly! I remember saying to myself; I liked her and I couldn't wait to play.

A week later there I was in a ball field, in Beaumont practicing with some new people who I didn't know. But being a ball player that happens a lot and really on a regular basis; you end up playing for someone who got hurt and they need a girl...so you go. It's like the 'Brotherhood of Ball'. I'll never forget after that practice I looked forward to the new season and couldn't wait to play with them all.

After we were able to get the garbage out of us; we finally pulled together as a team, not only because it was the beginning of the season but because we were all starting to come together as a team. I loved it! The comradery of the team brought me back to the times growing up in a small town playing with everyone that you knew because you all grew up together. I felt that with them, and loved every minute of it! I'd been searching for that same feeling since 1998 and I've finally found it! So not only was I saying goodbye to the game, but to my new summer friends!

Pulling my jersey's out of the dryer for one last time made me think to the laughs and the fun. The Spitz, the booze and the G-Spot (garage); all places I that I can't wait to see again!

So here's to my new Summer friends; who I can't wait to see again!

And so Ends Another Season

Yep, that's it...ball is done. I can't believe another season has come and gone so quickly. It feels like only yesterday I was complaining about how crappy I was doing; Oh wait that was only last week! LOL

Even after the complaining I am still sad to have to pack away the ol' ball bag. Which by the way isn't so old anymore...I've upgraded to a new pink model! But just having the pack it away and knowing that it'll be sitting in storage for the next 9 months still breaks my heart.

How do I get over this? Well, there really isn’t ways to have the feelings go away; they just do over time. I know despite my complaining of my poor play at the end of the season, I will still miss it. I will long for the days when the sun is shining, the grass is green and the world is my ball field.

So here is to another season, it may not have been my best but I still loved it anyway!

Something's Gotta Give

Life has a way of throwing things at ya; it starts to pile up with what seems like no end in sight. Here I sit after another game of softball; and honestly I couldn't hit my way out of a wet paper bag if I tried. I expect so much of myself; the pressures that I put on myself are actually quite high. I take it out on myself if I am not up to par and I try and try and try. I am what one might call persistent; I won't give up because I need to find a solution to why I am doing so badly.

With all that is currently going on in my life; I am not surprised that ball has taken a backseat and my performance level has come down quite a bit. Unfortunately I do not have the time to try and rectify the problem.

With work chomping at the bit, my Uncle being diagnosed with Cancer...diagnosis yet to be determined. My b/f's Uncle currently admitted to the Cross Cancer Institute, the two courses that I am taking part-time, the lack of time that I get to spend with my b/f and last but not least the lack of time I get to spend on myself...something had to give.

Do I feel bad that it was ball that had to give? Yes, I really wish that it would've been something else; how can I continue to play a sport that I am feeling that I cannot perform well at? I ask myself that question every time I am driving out there? I'm sure that my teammates are asking themselves that very same question. How can I not feel bad when I know I am letting the team down???

Luckily there is only one more game left in the season and then one final weekend of playoffs. Am I happy about that? Yes! I am so disappointed with my performance that I feel as though it's starting to take its toll...

But all in all; if ball is the one thing that has to give; I'll let it go and start a new season next year. I mean really I got too much else going on to worry about it. 

Why do People Die?

"Why do people die?" asks the inquisitive 8 year old…my response…"I don't know." End of story right, well not really. My first thought is of sadness of 'Yes, why did she/he have to die?' I don't know any more than you do; is my answer a little more embellished about this subject that I know so little about? Yes, I would have to say so. We say what we "think" the person wants to hear OR what we "think" will make the person feel better. Why we do this?? My conclusion is that we don't want to see people that we care about hurting; we want to take this pain away…but we can't…So where does that leave us? That leaves us at the same spot where we started…"Why do people die?"

I had a cousin who I think about on a regular basis who passed away four years ago this August; at the tender age of 23. My first thought is "She was so young." I wonder did she experience all the things a 23 year old should've gone through. She had so much life to live; why was she taken from us so young? How my Aunt must feel…I can't even fathom! There are days when I talk to my Aunt or my mom and we will be discussing my late cousin and they start to cry…I do my best to console them but it just doesn't seem to be enough. We pause, let each other cry; tell them that it's a good thing to remember her and continue on with the conversation. Is this the right procedure?? I don't know, death doesn't come with a rulebook. Hence the reason you hear a lot of people saying that everyone deals with it in different ways.

I personally deal with it pretty much head on; I know it's going to hurt like a son of a bitch; but I do it anyhow. Why?? I don't know; my personality I guess…denial is like the devil to me. I know he's there but I choose to go the other way; is this the right way?? I don't know; but I know that it's my way.

So, how do you explain to an 8 year old why people die? My opinion, you don't; it's one of those 'Live and Learn' things we were told about at such a young age but didn't quite understand.

Again, so where does that leave us..."Why do people die?"

I'm not saying there is a wrong and or a right way; I'm just saying…

When one door closes a window opens

The quiet streets on a Thursday morning surprise me; the music in the car soothes me, the anticipation of dropping off the final ties to my past excites me! Here I sit on this peaceful sunny warm morning thinking "…this is it; I'm done!" 30 blocks away sits a piece of my history awaiting the arrival of the pictures that I got from him only a few short days ago. I've copied them, reminiscing throughout the whole process. Thinking to myself "Why didn't I take these?"

As the street numbers increase my heart starts to beat a little faster and the thoughts keep creeping up in my head, all the "What if" questions. Do I listen, yes! Do I enjoy it, no! As I continually get closer I think to myself "I'll just run in, tell the receptionist who they are for and exit out the door." Yeah, that's a good plan…like there was any other? The flutterby's in my belly start to go in overtime; the thoughts in my mind run around like a chicken with its head cut off. I almost start to feel sick; why? I don't know?

I slowly pull into the parking lot with my heart almost racing; I grab the pictures, talk to the receptionist, drop them off and head out the door. Just as planned! I walk to the car at a moderate pace; get in, put on my seatbelt, put the car into gear and I'm off to work. Just - like - that!

I feel the instant relief of now finally 'Cutting all ties'. Not relief that was caused by my own anticipation; but the relief to know that it is now over…no more anything's. How freeing this feeling was; like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Like I could do just about anything; was it the adrenaline talking? Maybe, but it was the feeling of complete and utter freedom that I relished in. "I'm done" I say to myself as a smile slowly creeps across my face, that's it, the final piece.

And as a calm comes over me I can't help but notice the air smelled fresher, the grass looked greener and the future looked brighter!

Fork in the Road

There in the constant flow of traffic lies the fork in the road, one exit going left and one exit going right. For years I took the right exit; making my way home through all the hub-bub of the world. Not noticing anything that was in my way; nor really caring as long as I could make my way home without getting stuck in a traffic jam. Always noticing that the exit to the left was backed up, slow and well just inconvenient and then all that changed when I moved…..

At first old habits die hard and I found myself "forgetting" to take the left exit when approaching the fork; having to impromptually get into the left lane so that I could too be a part of the slowness and inconvenience of the situation. To my amazement I found that not only was it not as backed up as I had thought but the fluidity of the traffic appeared to be almost seamless. I found myself being quite surprised at just how quickly I could get from one side of the city to the other; I almost started enjoying myself…

Day after day I continued to make the long trip home and letting my sub-conscious take over and allowing myself the pleasure of letting in the poor sap ahead of me who more than likely had to make the transition from the right exit to the left exit. I've even come to terms with the fact that should the left exit get backed up, the right exit which I use to take pleasure in exiting off on has now become my 'Back-up' exit.

What once was my convenient way home has now become my secondary way home and as I drive by the exit to the right I chuckle to myself and think "Man, I was missing out on so much!"

Thank god for the fork in the road!