To friend or not to friend, that is the question

To friend or not to friend, that is the question

September 7, 2017

Today I went out for lunch with my friend who I had written about who were friends with ‘the enemy’. One was on my side as she was one of the ones who had talked to me about the situation and the other one was the completely oblivious one to the sneaky and devilish ways of the enemy.

I wasn’t sure how it was going to go but thought I would bring it up and just throw all my cards out on the table. We sat down to lunch and ordered our food and drinks, did the normal pleasantries and then I brought it up.

I said to both of them that I didn’t want to interfere with their relationship with the enemy and that I am totally fine with them being her friend and besides this time I won’t be bringing her up or asking about her or anything. I know she asked about me but this wasn’t the time to bring that up. I just asked for the same respect back is all.

There was about a millisecond of a pause and the woman who is completely oblivious to the enemies wily ways wasn’t as receptive as I thought she would be. She became defensive and started to say that ‘she never said anything about me to her’ (which I know isn't true, but I let it slide) and she seemed as though she really wanted to get off the topic of it. The other woman who is on my side understood and definitely tried to help me explain things to her but the oblivious friend then turned aloof about the whole thing and we just switched gears.

That was when I saw it, she was sticking up for the enemy and this was the end of our friendship. I had let things go for too long and they were good friends and there wasn’t anything I could say or so to change that. It sucks when you can see these things happening and it kind of made me sad to know that it was over between us but I guess that was it. She had made up her mind and that was that, she had made her choice and I will respect it.

We finished our lunch together chatting about my kids and their kids and grandkids, plans for the summer and all those other things you talk to people about when you’re trying to fill the void of dead air. Once lunch was done, we said our goodbye’s and said we would make another plan to go out for lunch but knew that it was just talk.

I will miss my one friend as she was fun to be around, such a kindhearted and giving person and we had some good times together. I will always remember that about her...

I did end up with one friend out of the situation and I will continue to chat and make time for her as she really does genuinely want to be my friend and that’s all that matters. It just sucks that it’s over with one friend, but I will move on and maybe in time we will reconnect. For now I will respect her wishes and step back.

I Miss my Friends

I Miss my Friends

August 29, 2017

I was missing my friends when I was on maternity leave, just a specific few of them…but I had let it slide because I knew that we were in different stages of life. These gals were a good 15 years older than me and while I’m having my kids, their having grandkids. So I let it slide and then started to notice that my arch 'enemy' had somehow wormed her way back in with my select friends.

I had let it slide as I assumed it would be a fad and when she was done with them that she was going to move on to greener pastures like she normally does. That didn’t seem to be the case in this situation. Oddly though I had two of my friends approach me and tell me that they too missed me and that “it just wasn’t the same without me”. They also pinpointed my absence to the enemy and both had a similar opinion of her that wasn’t that stellar.

I had confirmed that the enemy was indeed like that and I thought she might’ve changed as time has gone on but I can’t speak to that as I haven’t talked to her in roughly 10 years. But it was definitely interesting to see that both of these ladies could see through the enemy’s façade but I couldn’t understand why the one friend couldn’t see it.

I was completely honest with both of these ladies and told them how I felt and how I would respect their time with the enemy. I decided to just take a step back and see where things go from here. I know in time the enemy will do something stupid and reveal her true colours but I don’t know how long it will be before that happens. Part of me wants it to happen sooner rather than later but karma doesn’t usually work that fast…not for me anyhow.

I also looked at it without callous and in a mature fashion that part of it was my fault that I was a new mom and wasn’t able to have the same friendship with them that I had before…but I also realized that it was a two sided coin. They could’ve made the effort as well as I did invite them to the baby shower and the boys’ first birthday…they just chose not to come. I guess I just decided that it was a time thing and we just drifted apart and maybe if it’s meant to be that we will somehow come back together.

If not, it was good while it lasted and we had some fun times and I will cherish those memories forever. They will always be a part of my life, whether it’s current, past or present.

You Gotta Be...

You Gotta Be…

August 25, 2017

I heard Des’ree singing this song today on the radio and it reminded me of my brother and sister graduating elementary school. My brother was held back a year so despite my brother and sister being a year apart they graduated elementary school at the same time.

For their graduation the teacher had put together a slideshow of her class of the memories throughout the school year.  It was playing to the song ‘You Gotta Be’ by Des’ree and the slideshow ended with a picture of my brother and sister hugging each other. I was videotaping the momentous event with my uncle’s videorecorder…the thing was huge and so heavy.

I remember taping the slideshow and as the song was coming to an end and my brother and sister’s picture was on the screen I cried. I was so touched by the gesture that the teacher had put together for her class and seeing both of them in that picture just made me so happy.

My brother was the valedictorian and gave a wonderful speech about moving forward with the next chapter of their lives and all I could think was ‘Yes, this is the next step to your future’. My how far we’ve come.

Every time I hear that song, I think of my kid sister and kid brother. About them graduating elementary school and just how far they’ve come in their lives. I hope that they want to continue to move ahead in life and keep making good decisions.

I will always associate this song with them and always wish all the lyrics in the song for them.

Seeing my mom in my auntie

Seeing my mom in my Auntie

July 24, 2017

I saw my auntie today as we were visiting my cousins in BC, I almost started to cry when I saw her. Not only does she look a lot like my mom but her hands were all crippled up like my mom’s were and it took me back to my mom being in the hospital. I know that I teared up and almost started to bawl like a baby but somehow held it together.

I went over and sat with her and just listened to what she had to say. As she told me stories I would steal glimpses of her hands, her feet and her knees. Those particular joints seemed to stand out to me the most as those were the ones that affected my mom.

I would grab her hands and feel them and ask her if she was in pain, she said no but I knew better. I could feel the warmth through her skin and knew that they were inflamed and there wasn’t anything I could do for her to make her feel better.

I remember my mom telling me stories as she was in the hospital about how she would rub her mom’s hands and I think I did the same thing to her as she was in the hospital. It’s a weird thing to do I know but it made me feel closer to my mom by rubbing my aunt’s hands.

I listened intently to her stories, even though I had heard them a million times. I introduced her to my kids. She was happy and she almost teared up as I suppose no one thought that I was going to have babies and probably because she knew my mom would’ve been happy to have them…so it was an all around teary day. We had a little moment between us sitting in the corner just listening to each other and just being overall happy.

Despite seeing my aunt like that I couldn’t help but be taken back to my mom. Oh how I wish she was here. To see my kids, to see me, to help me with my babes. It’s moments like this that I miss her the most.

Sears

Sears

June 22, 2017

I had heard a few weeks ago about Sears filing for bankruptcy and it broke my heart to hear that I had worked there almost 15 years ago. I had since gone into the store to buy a few things as I still actually shopped there and to my surprise the store looked barren, disorganized and just overall like it had given up. It had fallen so far from when I had worked there in 1998 (I think?)

I had just moved here from Ontario and had brought forward some personal debt with me after a messy break-up. In retrospect it wasn’t a whole lot of money that I owed to people but at that time it was a lot of money to me and I wanted to pay everyone back. Not to mention I was out of work and had to borrow money from my sister just to get here, so needless to say I was in a bit of a hurry to pay everyone back as quickly as I could.

I already had a part time job working at a ski hill with my mom, it worked out great as we could carpool but it was only 3 days a week. I needed something that was a bit more permanent, so I heard Sears was hiring and decided I would drop off a resume and interview that same day. Lucky for me, I interview well and they offered me a part time job. It would only be over the holidays and couldn’t guarantee me a permanent position come the New Year. I accepted and figured the extra income couldn’t hurt. I started off a couple days a week but that quickly progressed to 4 days a week, which meant I was working two jobs and working 7 days a week. Looking back on it, I don’t know how I did it and how I didn’t get sick more often…but I didn’t. I worked my butt off and made a payment plan for everyone.

Back in this day, I wrote a lot of post dated cheques and had a calendar hanging on my wall to let me know when I would have payments come out of my bank account. I know it sounds a little archaic but back in that day, that’s how things were done. After about 5 months of working 7 days a week, I had paid off all my outstanding debts. I was surprised that it took me that short of a time period to pay everyone off but when I did get everyone paid off, I was pretty proud of myself.

Anyhow, back on track here…when I worked at Sears we had to be there 10 minutes before our shifts so that we could be up to date on the latest specials and what we had on hand and what we didn’t. I usually worked the night shift as no one really wanted this shift but I didn’t mind. I enjoyed the quiet time and the fact that I could make sure that the area was in tiptop shape before I left each and every night.

My old Supervisor’s name was Elaine and she was such a nice woman and looking back on it she was able to accommodate almost all of our requests. Keep in mind this was coming from all of us 20 year olds who always seemed to have something going on and needed time off. She was a good supervisor, she was stern but not in a bad way. She laid out the expectations that she had for us and the department and I have to say they were pretty strict. Our department had to be cleaned every night and had to be in showroom condition for the morning shift. No shoes hanging around and not put away, no garbage or anything from the shoe boxes laying on the floor. Even the shoe display’s had to all have tags on them and the display shoes were always the left shoes. It took a little bit of time to figure out the routine but once you got it, it was actually pretty easy.

Looking back on how strict things use to be compared to now…I just can’t fathom how far it’s come from where it use to be. What happened? Well, we all know when a company starts to get into financial trouble…the stores start to suffer. However in this case, the stores are bare, large areas of the stores have old display cases in them, piled up just sitting there.

This once pristine and well kept store was just a free for all. I miss how nice the store use to look and it truly makes me sad to know how far it has gone. The signs are all there, despite them filing for bankruptcy protection…I can clearly see that the stores are going to close, it’s just a matter of time.

Making my old life work with my new life

Making my old life work with my new life

June 1, 2017

I’ve been back to work for about a month now and wow oh wow are things a lot different than I thought they would be. Don’t get me wrong I didn’t think everything was going to be unicorns and rainbows but I thought there would be a few hiccups here and there. Little did I know they would put a huge roadblock in that plan.

I went back to work for one day and then was at home with a teething fevered baby for the next 2 days. Then the weekend came and I worked almost all week except for one where one of my littles was sick. The rest of the month was pretty much the same, days off here and there for reasons that were beyond my control. I had no idea heading back to work would cause this much disruption in our day to day lives.

This got me to thinking, how in the world is this going to work where I’m not missing half a month just to take care of my kids. When will this cycle end? I don’t really know how to handle this situation as I’ve never been in it before, this is all new to me.

I am starting to feel a little overwhelmed as I don’t really know how my old life and my new one will fit together. Do I need to completely abandon my old life now that I have kids? I don’t think so but I think I need to make some adjustments. I want to try and keep some of my old life in my new one as that is the person that I am and honestly I don’t think that we’re meant to change 180 degrees when kids come. We make adjustments, we make arrangements, we make it work. And that’s what I’m going to try and do.

I want to try and find that balance between work and home life, try to be there for my kids, the Mister and myself. I suspect as time goes on it will be a lot of trial and error but I will get there. I am too determined of an individual not to, I will try everything before I give up.

For now, woe is me. I will try not to wallow in my self pity and try to think of ways to move ahead and find that balance. Once I do, I think all parties will be happy campers.

Back to Work

Back to Work

May 1, 2017

As I walked into the quiet and deserted office with my bags in tow and tea in my hand ready to tackle to day. I made my way to my office and stopped before I entered to have a look around to see what had changed in the time I was gone. It’s funny as I had only been gone for 15 months but it felt like an eternity.

I noticed that I had a large video screen in my office taking up space, a 34” monitor that just seemed too huge to be real and all my shoes had been piled into a box beside my desk. Turns out that one of our resident contractors had made residence in my office while I was off having babies. I didn’t mind one bit as I like the guy and he really hadn’t done too much to change anything. I put my laptop in it’s docking station and I thought a quick start up was going to happen but apparently the computer needed to complete oh about 100 updates. That left me with a little time to re-organize and clean up my office. It was nice to get there before everyone had arrived so that I could get settled and get everything how I wanted it.

It didn’t take long before people were arriving welcoming me back and have the idle chit chat that you have when someone has been away for awhile. It was nice to catch up with everyone and be back in the loop. I had so many questions about what I had missed, who’s gone, who’s still here, what projects are we working on, things like that. I wasn’t sure what I was going to be coming back to and how I was going to integrate myself back into ‘Working Mom’ mode but it seems to have been a good first day back.

I had some good conversations, good plans, decisions I needed to make and most of all I had some alone time to just be with not only my thoughts and ideas but also to have some complete and utter silence. I realized I missed that and despite me being a little nervous about being back to work it all turned out ok. I missed the adult conversation, I missed being able to talk and have someone listen to me and most of all I missed having a hot lunch.

Even though it’s a scary thing to return to work after 15 months away, I think I needed it for my littles but also for me. I was getting burnt out before I left and it was getting to be a little much. I got just the right amount of time off to make sure my littles were in good hands and ok with me leaving them all day. It’s something new to me but in time I know get all the kinks worked out and possibly get back to where I was before I left for work, or at least something close to what I was.

I spent most of my life working so I couldn’t imagine not going back. I enjoy the people, the time to myself and the responsibility of the job. I might not be able to do as good of a job as I did before but I sure as heck going to try. I never in a million years thought I would look forward to going to work but I do. I think for me to be a better mom for my boys I need that constant that has been in my life for well over 20 years. Like I said, I may not be the same person I was when I left but I’m going to try and be close to that same person as I can. I know things will be different and my time commitments aren’t going to be the same but I can work with what I have and see what I end up with. Fingers crossed work isn’t so hard to incorporate in my new life of motherhood.