Seeing Double a Little Early

Seeing Double…A Little Early

February 29, 2016

Today was the day that I became a mother, I hadn’t planned on it as my due date wasn’t for another 7 weeks. I was however carrying twins so the due date was more like 4-5 weeks away. My boys decided that they wanted to meet us and make their entrance into this world.

The day started like any other, I woke up and went downstairs to have a tea and take my meds. I did just that and decided to skip breakfast. I was being extra lazy today and didn’t really want to move off of the couch so I just laid there and hung out. After a few hours had passed, I decided to get up and make my way to the bathroom and make some food. I got up and took a few steps and the weirdest thing happened…water trickled down my leg. Not a large amount of water but a little bit. I immediately was scared as I had zero signs of going into labour and couldn’t figure out what was wrong. I called Healthlink and the Mr. both of them said to head to the hospital. The Mr. and I chatted and I still had no signs and after some deliberation we decided not to take the bag I had yet to pack. We figured it was just Braxton hicks and that I would be sent home as I wasn’t due for another 4-5 weeks.

I got into the car and we headed to the hospital where I had been going for my weekly checkups and on the way there I started to feel some serious pain, as in contraction pains. We started to time them and they were about 3-5 minutes apart. We both had a panicked look on our faces and were quite surprised but again chalked it up to Braxton hicks and I would just breath through them and we would carry on our way. We got to the hospital and luckily I paid attention in class and went to labour and delivery instead of the ER. We made our way up to the 4^th floor and signed in; the pain was a little more persistent as I waited for someone in a bed. A doctor came around and we talked and then she checked to see if I was indeed having Braxton hicks and it turns out…I was 4-5cms dilated. Both the Mr. and I were totally caught off guard and looked at each other and said “Ok, I guess it’s time”.

Thanks to our prenatal class we were very prepared and knew what to say when asked all of the questions. It was mayhem to be honest, people were everywhere and everyone was asking questions. After they got things in place and all the questions were answered it was quite a quiet process. I opted for the epidural as with twins it is “recommended” but not recommended. We waited for that to come and once I had it done, I felt no pain at all. Then we just waited for what seemed like forever, I dilated naturally about 1cm an hour. All I could think was man oh man, I hope these babies stay inside of me until March 1^st as I didn’t want leap year babies.

Once I was fully dilated, I started to push and push and push. It is definitely not like the movies, the waiting and the pushing. The breathing and the people…it is just a never ending barrage of people, nurses, doctors, residents, nursing students, the epidural person and plenty other people I just can’t remember. After 2hrs of unsuccessful pushing, we were offered a c-section…again thanks to our prenatal class we were fully prepared for that and agreed that these babies just weren’t moving.

I was prepped for surgery and wheeled to another room where the epidural was turned down a bit between pushes as the resident didn’t think I could feel the urge to push…like really?? Ask any mom who has gone into labour and even with drugs, your body tells you when to push. As I was wheeled to the operating room, my pain increased between contractions…meaning my body was ready to get these little men out to the world and the epidural was turned down more than they let me know.

The trip felt as though it took hours, when in reality it was minutes. I once again got to meet a whole other group of people who would be helping me bring these little men into our world. It was an organized process or so it seemed, I think it was not so hectic or frenzied as the boys weren’t in distress and neither was I.  After I got hooked back up to the epidural and was comfortable, they began to get my babies out. The Mr. was there in the room with me and then we waited, the doctors were really good about letting us know what was happening so nothing was a surprise. We heard the doctor say “Oh that’s why he didn’t want to come out”, turns out my first babe wanted to come out shoulder first…as a backstory, once he discovered my cervix, he never left it. LOL. A few minutes later at 11:44PM on February 29^th the doctor said to us “Congratulations, it’s a boy” and then we heard him cry…oh, what a feeling. I have never been so happy to hear a cry from a baby, I knew this was a good sign and couldn’t wait to see one of my little men. The nurse came around the corner and there he was…my big man, my first child, my son. All I could do was cry as a wave of happiness came over me and all I wanted to do was to hold him but I know that I couldn’t as he needed to be assessed because he was eager to get out to meet us.

The nurse took him and I told the Mr. to go with them, as this was the plan we decided on from prenatal as we knew that the babies would be taken to be assessed in the attached room right beside us. He would go with the first babe born and I would stay with the other…until he made his debut into the world. Once our first born was assessed and all signs were good, the Mr. came back to see our second little man make his entrance. The doctor once again said at 11:45PM on February 29^th “Congratulations, it’s another boy”! We once again looked at each other and smiled and cried, my little one however was quickly shown to us in a drive by. He was a little smaller and they had to break his sack in order to get him out as he was completely content waiting another 4-5 weeks. He cried and was breathing but just to be safe they took him to the assessment room to make sure he was ok. We once again cried and the Mr. accompanied them both to the room and I told him to stay with them until they got me sorted out and into recovery.

Everything after that seemed to be a blur, I was too drugged up to really comprehend anything and I was exhausted. Not only did I push for 2hrs but I also had a c-section…I literally went through two procedures at the same time. My body had reached it’s limit and I was done. I remember them wheeling me into recovery, where they wheeled my babes in to see us and I touched their heads and saw one baby who looked just like me and another baby who looked just like his dad. It was remarkable that I was able to carry these two tiny human beings inside of me and love them as much as I did. I just wanted to be with them but realized that I couldn’t so I sent the Mr. to be with them and I would sleep for a bit. The recovery team took me to my room and got me settled…I remember having and seeing family but I can’t tell you what we talked about. I just remember being so elated and happy beyond words…the Mr. was really good as he stayed with our little men while they were being monitored. I can’t tell you how crazy of a time it was but I can sure tell you that I feel as though we did everything right. I never in a million years knew what it was going to feel like to be a mother…but I also never thought that I was going to ever be given the opportunity to be a mother. It really is a feeling of completeness, I didn’t know that this is what I was missing in my life. For years I had friends who had children and I would always ask how they felt. They would always say, so happy and amazing…but I never fully understood it until I became a mother. I guess the old adage is true, you never really know until it happens to you.

I am over the moon happy with becoming a mom to my two special little men, I don’t have names picked out for them but their dad and I have settled on two…we just have to see who fits what name better. I hope this feeling never ends as I can honestly say that I have never been this happy in my life before…all thanks to my little men’s debut into the world.

Bedrest, what is that?

Bedrest…what’s that?

December 31, 2015

I had a regular scheduled ultrasound yesterday to see how things are progressing and it turns out…not so well. The tech who performed the ultrasound informed me that it looks like I have a shortened cervix, but will call my obgyn and then she will call me to let me know what’s what. I have to say I was on pins and needles the whole day and it turns out that my OB is on holidays. Despite my OB being away, her partner called me and we went in to see him and he said that yes I do have a shortened cervix and that he’s going to send me to the hospital to see what they have to say as they have dealt with these types of things before.

After a tense 15 minute drive we pulled in to a completely empty ward and were escorted right into a bed. After many tests and ultrasounds, it was discovered that my cervix was 1.5cm long and that I was to go on bedrest. They also let me know that I had to get some shots that were steroids to ensure “if” the babies came early that their lungs would be strong and help them to develop. They also recommended that I get a pessary inserted to support the cervix as this has been proven to help women who have had the same issue.

I have to say that all of this coming at me at once was definitely a scary thing and once we wrapped our heads around everything we decided that we would go ahead with the shots and have the pessary inserted. It took no time at all and I was on my way back home ordered on bedrest. I honestly had never been put on bedrest and didn’t know what to do…

After digesting everything the doctors told us, we have come to terms with me being on bedrest as in the end it’s what’s best for the babies and I don’t want them to come any sooner than they need to. These little munchkins are just so eager to see us, but they are going to have to wait as mommy and daddy don’t want them to come out too early. We need them to stay in there until at least 32 weeks, I’m 24 weeks now and man oh man does that seem like a really long time away. The good news is that they will be monitoring me every week with ultrasounds and keeping me abreast of everything that is happening. Part of me is happy that it’s not as serious but part of me is sad as I wonder if there was anything that I could do. The doctor said that it happens for no reason at all and that it wasn’t my fault. Despite her telling me that, I still feel somehow responsible. All I can do now is wait and we will see what happens…c’mon 32 weeks, that is our goal.

Do we or don't we?

Do We or Don’t We?

November 20, 2015

Today is the day, I am 18 weeks pregnant and I have an ultrasound scheduled to see what the sex of the babies are. It has taken some time for us to wrap our heads around the fact that we are having twins…let along know what we are having. We tossed and turned about finding out the sex as we were torn but because we had to think of two baby names, we wanted to get a head start on it and not be fumbling at the last minute.

The first baby wasn’t as cooperative as we were hoping, it took a bit of time but once we got the right angle and another million pictures were taken…we discovered our first baby was going to be a boy! We were pretty happy as I had suspected since the day I discovered I was pregnant that I was having a boy.

We then moved on to baby ‘b’, this one was a little more difficult and time consuming. This little one did not want to cooperate…I turned this way and that way and tried to see if I could get the little one to move…but with no avail.

The tech decided to try another technique and low and behold once she did whatever she did, my little one agreed to cooperate. There in all it’s glory was my 20 week old baby, in my belly with it’s legs spread as wide as could be to show us another little penis…I was going to have two little boys.

I can’t tell you the joy I felt when I found out what they were, like I said I would’ve been good with whatever as long as they’re healthy and happy. When the Mr. discovered that we weren’t having a little girl, he was a little upset. I asked him if he was ok and he said yes…just would’ve been nice to have a little princess. I felt horrible after that as I never thought about it that way, I guess it’s true…all daddy’s want a little princess. We discussed trying again after these two are a bit bigger but we agreed this is a conversation for another time. Right now, I just want to focus on the fact that I’m having two little boys…now to start thinking of names.

I Guess I Can Go Back

I Guess I Can Go Back…

November 8, 2015

I was scheduled for an additional blood test and regular ultrasound, but they were scheduled at the hospital where my mom had passed away. I haven’t been there since that happened and I have to tell you I was a little nervous about going there.

The hospital where my mom passed away was the hospital where I was born. I was very nervous to go as I didn’t know what memories would come flooding back to me. I didn’t know if I was going to break down and cry or what my reaction might be. I was pregnant now and I have heard that lots of pregnant women get very emotional. So needless to say I was a little worried.

The day of the appointment, I made the familiar drive and parked across the street. As I made my way up to the doors, my stomach did a few flips and flops and my heart started to race a little. I made my way through the sliding doors and inhaled the familiar scent of disinfectant and sick people…I did not miss that. Luckily for me I was in a ward where my mom had briefly stayed but it was a positive stay so the memories weren’t so traumatic. I sat waiting for my appointment and was thinking back to all the trips I had made here and all the time I spent behind walls. I was taken back to what felt like a whole other life. Parts of things I could remember but other parts, not so much.

I don’t know if my time away from this place helped me to file those memories away and heal but I know that being there wasn’t so bad. Despite me having bad memories of the last time I walked out of here with my mom’s belongings in plastic bags. I wasn’t as upset as I thought I might be.

Maybe it was time that helped me to see that this place wasn’t so bad, I don’t know. But whatever it was, it made this visit here that much easier. I’m glad that I’ve come to terms with the last time I walked outside of these walls and I know that I can come back here and not be afraid to be overwhelmed by sad memories.

It Finally Happened to Me

It Finally Happened to Me

October 11, 2015

We had been talking about it for awhile now, with me getting older and time not slowing down. I had to make the decision of when and if I was going to start trying for kids, we discussed this topic in great length and had finally agreed to a date of when I would stop taking my birth control pills. We decided that we could time the pregnancy so that I was pregnant off season, ball season that is. We had made the decision to stop taking the pill in July; at first it was a little scary but we were ready to start our family. We consciously made the decision and also gave ourselves some time to allow my system to get rid of whatever left over babyproofing was left. I had heard from lots of people, even my doctor that it could take up to a year for the pill to get out of your system. We decided when it happened we would be ready and willing to be the best parents ever.

About a month later I was playing in a ball tournament and was short of breath, I chalked it up to gaining some weight and being out of shape. I was surprised, as I never had this problem before and just decided to keep an eye on it. We happened to go to a football game the following week and when we were going up and down the stairs, I was huffing and puffing like a smoker. I couldn’t really pin point what was going on but I knew I wasn’t well. After doing some math and realizing it had been 7 weeks since my last monthly visitor…I took a pregnancy test. It was September 7^th, I did the usual pee on a stick test, and it was positive.

We were ecstatic, we hadn’t planned on it happening so fast but it was right in line with our “plan”. After I found out I was pregnant, I was sick…sicker than I had ever been in my life. I felt as though I had the flu and it never went away. The worst part is you can’t take anything, you just have to suffer through it. I basically just bided my time and suffered as best I could until my ultrasound and hopefully the second trimester. I had heard that some women feel better after they get over that whole morning sickness in the first trimester.

I went to see the doctor and she made my an ultrasound appointment at 12 weeks, my age dictated the early ultrasound. We went and checked in and I went in by myself…just in case there is anything awry. The tech did her thing and went about checking me and taking a million pictures…she turned the monitor and told me we were expecting…twins. I was flabbergasted and taken aback…I was not expecting to hear this. I sat up and said “WHAT?” She showed me my little peanuts and I laid back down to take it all in. After what felt like an hour, the Mr. came in and after trying to get him to point out the baby…we let him know there were two. He was just as surprised as me…I believe we were both in shock. We had not expected this and were still getting over the shock of even being pregnant. That ultrasound was just two days ago, I am still recovering from the news and over the moon happy. I don’t know how this happened, I just know that it did. Secretly I suspect that my mom had something to do with it…just saying. Either way, I can’t wait to see what we’re having. Would be nice to be one of each but I will take two healthy, happy babies.

Now that everything has sunken in…we are so excited and just amazed that we are going to be doubly blessed.

Hmm, maybe it wasn't the 'Y'

Hmm, maybe it wasn’t the ‘Y’

March 19, 2015

I recently listened to an interview that was given by a top psychologist in the country; the topic at hand was in particular the generations. The particulars were in regards to how society has decided to change it’s view of the new generation they have dubbed the ‘millennials’.

They talked about how society is raising a “useless generation”; their words not mine. This generation has been coddled so much by their parents that even the parents have the name of ‘helicopter parents’. It seems that the parents have been so busy filling their kid’s time with scheduled activities, that the parent’s aren’t realizing that they’re taking their kids ability to do what they want away. This leads to kids who can’t make a decision to save their lives because their parents have been doing it for them. When they grow up and become adults, how will they function in society? I find it hard to believe that society will be conforming to these kids and their wants and needs.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying it’s a bad thing to have your child in some sort of activity…but at least give them the option to choose what it is they want to do. We shouldn’t be forcing them into something that we want them to do or filling their time because we think they’ll be bored. They need to know how to fill their own time when they have free time, it’s not a bad thing to teach them a little independence.

I know that in this interview they stated that they are now making a ‘shift’ to change this and hopefully rectify the issues that have arisen from this. I don’t know exactly what that means but I know that there are going to be some people out there who just don’t get the concept of independence and will struggle as society will not be conforming to them. They will have to adjust and possibly a correction can be made…honestly I don’t know what will happen but I think it’s a good first step.

I had written a blog about something similar quite awhile back and I found it interesting that all the questioning that I had been doing has finally come to fruition. I may have had the generation wrong but I sure as heck saw the problem. 

http://lifeafter30withtan.blogspot.com/2009/02/generation-why.html

My Year of Freedom

My Year of Freedom

January 5, 2015

It has been quite some time since I sat down and wrote a blog post…I am sitting here thinking about the year that has come to pass and the year that is yet to come. My mom is first and foremost on my mind and I’m blown away at how quickly the time has passed without her. The one year anniversary is coming up and I have to say I miss her more than ever.

She was a huge part of my everyday life, I struggled when she first passed away as I didn’t know what to do with my time. Stopping by to see and feed her was a part of my daily routine, The first couple of weeks…I would leave work and then have to conscientiously remember that she wasn’t there for me to see. I had to go home and wonder what I was suppose to do if I wasn’t with her. I would go through her stuff and see what she had stored away in the boxes that I had packed. I would pull some things out to smell them to see if her scent was still on them. Sometimes I would laugh and sometimes I would cry; depended on the day.

As time went on, I realized that she wouldn’t want me moping around and I decided to throw myself into whatever it was I was going to do. I played a lot of slo-pitch this year, I also re-organized my house, got all my landscaping done and basically enjoyed my time to myself. I had forgotten what it was like to have control of my own time and to come and go as I pleased. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret any minute that I spent with her, because I don’t. It was just a freeing feeling that I hadn’t felt in quite some time as I had been taking care of my mom for the past 6 years.

I also was able to take some time to take care of myself and to re-group; see where the next chapter was going to take me. I kind of just rode the self care train and am still enjoying that ride. It doesn’t make me miss my mom any less, just keeps my time occupied. Once things settled down and I got a little more use to my life without her…I wondered how I ever got anything done. I had such a small amount of time for myself, how did I manage to get anything done? Well, I am chalking it up to the old adage of ‘If you want something done, give it to a busy person”.

Now that I have the extra time on my hands, I find myself taking just a little bit longer to get it done. I’m not so rushed and know that it doesn’t have to be done this exact minute. I can afford myself the luxury of a little bit more time.

This past year without my mom has been hard but as time as gone on…it’s been a little easier. IU got lots done and am more aware of the time I need as well. I don’t know what the next year will have in store for me but I think I can handle whatever it throws my way.