I Finally Found Him!

I Finally Found Him!

April 11, 2014

It always amazes me what death does to the people around it, some people go crazy and relive their youth, some people do a lot of soul searching…I believe I am one of the latter folks. Since my mom passed away, I have been doing some serious thinking and overall reflecting about what I want in life. The first thing that came to my mind was a family; I hadn’t found the person that I wanted to have children with…that is until now.

I had given up on finding love after my last relationship; I thought I was doomed to live the life of a spinster, who inherits everyone’s cats. I had come to terms with that fact and just worked on myself after I ended my relationship in 2012. I had decided against dating but somehow got roped into a few blind dates here and there. Nothing ever panned out as I had it in my mind that I was going to give myself some time to grieve my old relationship and better myself.

I managed to stay single and happy for 11 months, I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I enjoyed my time alone and enjoyed working around my schedule and no one else’s. I had met my new Mr. at a slo-pitch tournament. We had hit it off and decided that we both didn’t want a relationship; in fact, we both agreed that we could be friends with benefits. There were some ground rules that we had put into place and we abided by them to the letter.

We enjoyed each other’s company and as time went on, we had really started to develop feelings for one another. I was discussing this with a co-worker and had come to the conclusion that I was going to end things. I found that our age difference would eventually play a part in the demise of our relationship and figured that I would make the first move at ending it.

I met with him, we started to talk, and as we continued to talk, we discovered that we both had some pretty deep feeling for each other. Our arrangement had turned into a full-fledged relationship, without our knowledge. How had this happened? We both don’t know and we didn’t need an answer, as we were content with what we had.

We decided that the best thing to do was to give it a try and see where it takes us. So far, it’s been really good and really easy. We both agreed that if a relationship is easy, that’s not a bad thing. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not always easy; we have our moments. However, we communicate through them and we continue to make each other happy and that is why I know that I’ve found him, as I want to make it work. I want to be happy and most of all, I want to have kids with him. I have never said that about any other man that I’ve been in a relationship with; I just found myself saying that I didn’t want kids. Yet, here I sit…after all, of my breakups and heartache; I am with someone that I want to have children with.

I sometimes wonder if this is how it was suppose to turn out for me. I know that everything happens for a reason and timing is everything. I didn’t have kids young, I waited. I didn’t get married when I was suppose to, I’m still waiting. I didn’t do things the way I was suppose according to society…but you know what? I’m happier that I didn’t and happier that I am the one who gets to choose what I want to do with my life. In the end, my journey is over because I found him.  

She planned everything, right up to the end

She planned everything, right up to the very end.

March 18, 2014

It has been about a month since my mama has passed away. I think about her everyday and miss her more and more as the days go on. I think about her laugh, I think about her smile, I think about how she is no longer in pain…but most of all I think about how she is not here.

I got thinking about the past few months and how I was kept busy by my mom’s requests. It all started when we found out that she would not be going back home from the hospital. She made the hard decision to give up her apartment. Luckily, it was a request made easier as I was occupying her apartment until I was able to fine a place of my own. Every night I would go home after visiting her and I would pack up a box of her stuff. It really was not that difficult of a task to pack away a few boxes here and there. I had already done the hard work of purging her stuff so this seemed like the natural next step. Along the way, I would double check with her about the items she wanted to keep and the items she wanted to give away.

Most things went to my brother as he was planning to get a place of his own. She pretty much furnished his entire apartment and was able to pass things along to those who she cared about. I continued to get all of this done while she directed me from her hospital bed. 

I finally got her apartment cleared out and gave back the keys. I walked through it one final time and took in all the memories we had in this place. It was definitely another sad moment, not only for me but I imagine for my mom. She was pleased when she got her full deposit back and that chapter of her like was closed.

I think back on this as it was only two short months ago and I didn’t know that she was planning to have all of this dealt with before she left this earth. I just kept doing what she asked and making sure that I got it just right so she would be happy. I did not see it at the time but I can see it now and wow, oh wow…she really was a sneaky little woman.

I am glad that I didn’t know what she was doing as it probably would’ve made the task that much harder. I know that I would’ve been emotional and possibly not been able to get it done. However, she knew what she was doing, always looking out for her kids. It makes me sad to think about this and how much she loved us and even right to the end she tried to take care of us and what she could so that it wasn’t such a burden for us.

My smart little mama…oh how I miss her so.

She is with the angels now

She is With the Angels Now

February 14, 2014

Today is the day that I lost my mom…despite it being Valentine’s Day; this will always be the day that I lost her.

I knew the end was near and sadly, I was in the room when it happened. I wasn’t going to initially stay but something told me that I needed to and I decided that I would not let her be alone. She brought me into this world and the least that I could do was to be there for her when she took her last breath.

I still cry when I think about it and I suspect I will continue to cry for a long time. She was too young, she had so much life ahead of her and it was cut short. I feel ripped off, I feel like she never got a chance. Why did she have to go?

While saying this, her quality of life was non-existent and she is no longer in pain. Doesn’t mean I don’t miss her…

I do not know what I will do with my time now…I came to see her everyday. I would feed her supper and we would talk. I would tell her stories and about what was going on in the world, we would watch TV shows together. She would always laugh and boss me around. I would always tell her, “You’re little, but you’re fierce”. She loved that, she loved knowing that we were still scared of her in her frail condition.

Maybe one day it will all make sense but for right now, I just want to be sad and miss her like crazy. It’s true, no matter how old you are and you lose your parents…you’re never ready for it. It’s the circle of life and we all know that parents will go before their kids but no one will understand how powerful of a loss it is until it happens to you.

I miss you mom and will love you forever.

A Sad Day...

A Sad Day…

January 20, 2014

Today the movers came to move my mom’s stuff out of her apartment into my house. It was only 2 weeks ago that with the assistance of my friends we moved my stuff from the storage unit into my house. So needless to say, it has been a busy couple of week and I cannot wait until I am done packing.

Since buying the house, I had it painted. It took some time and luckily, I was able to stay at my mom’s place until it was done. I am still living out of boxes and unpacking myself and have now completed the task of moving my mom out of her apartment.

The reason that it is a sad day is because she has lived in this apartment for so long…not only that we have been told that she will not be leaving the hospital. The fact that I am doing the final clean of her apartment is something that I didn’t think we would be doing any time soon. I was always expecting her to come back home after I decluttered her place…I didn’t think she wouldn’t be coming home.

As I stare at the bare walls, clean carpet and little things left behind…a lump starts to develop in my throat. I wish that she could have come back here to see what she helped to accomplish in the purge.

I start to think of all the laughs we had here, all the memories we made. I know it sounds odd and it is just an apartment but to me it is more than that. This was my mom’s home and I honestly never thought she wouldn’t be coming back here.

So for me, it is a sad day…I can’t imagine what it is like for her. I will go and see her after I finish the last few things. The Manager gave her back her full deposit so she will be happy to hear that. In the end though, no one wants to know that you are never going home again.

I Bought a House, All by Myself

I Bought a House, All by Myself

November 13, 2013

I did it! I finally found a house; I have been on the search for months. I cannot tell you how happy I am that I finally bought a house. I honestly was not sure if I was ever going to find something that I liked, in a neighbourhood that I liked and something I could grow into.

Initially I was looking at detached houses, they tended to run a bit smaller and I would have to walk from my garage to the house through the back yard. I wasn’t a huge fan of that but I thought, “Ok, my budget will allow this and it’s just me, how much room do I need”? I think I looked at close to 30 places and each one was the same, they just seemed too small.

I had actually put in a few offers on a few places but they were already sold or I was coming in too low. My realtor, who was also a friend decided that I needed to either up my budget or lower my requirements. I decided that I would increase my budget and see what or if I could get something closer to the requirements that, I had set out for myself. Once I did that, there were a lot more options on the table and I was getting so much closer to the things I wanted. I eventually came across one house that was a bank owned house, I wasn’t too sure what to think about that but after viewing it…I wanted it. Of course, there are things that I had to compromise on, as any home purchaser will attest to. Overall though, it had what I needed and wanted and most of all the price was right where I needed it to be. Luckily in Canada the bank will get back to you in regards to foreclosed home sales within 7 days. It was a tense 7 days as I was excited to buy a new home and scared to have to take on the payments alone. On the 7^th day, as promised the bank got back to me with and answer.

Low and behold, my offer was accepted. Now don’t misunderstand me, this was by no means the first house I had purchased nor would it be the last. However, this house was a house that I purchased by myself after a difficult break-up. It was momentous time, a time for celebration; it was a time to be happy.

I was over the moon happy to know that I could do this by myself, I took the pics to show my mom and she was super happy for me too. She said to me “See, things have a way of working out”. I could not have agreed with her more, they really do have a way of working out. Now to try to figure out what changes I need to make to make this place my own. Yay me!

I moved in with my mom...without her

I Moved in With My Mom…Without Her.

October 1, 2013

It has officially been 2 months since I moved out of my house, in with a friend and now into my mom’s apartment. It has been a bit of a whirlwind to say the least, since moving out of my house I had to put my stuff into storage, as I wasn’t able to find a suitable home to buy. I have been looking and looking but haven’t seen anything that comes remotely close to what I am looking for.

I initially moved in with a girlfriend as I thought it wouldn’t be a difficult thing to buy a new home. Boy was I wrong, I decided halfway through my month of living with her that this might be a bigger challenge than I initially thought. In the meantime, I have been taking care of my mom and she unfortunately had to move out of her apartment as she was admitted to the hospital. She has been in there for quite some time and it doesn’t look like she will be leaving any time soon. After talking with her, she is the one who suggested that I move into her apartment to take care of it and get things organized. After giving it some thought, I decided that it was a good idea and I would still be close to her.

So here I was 15 days after I had moved in with my girlfriend, I was packing myself back up to move down the street into my mom’s place. I still had another 15 days to move all of my stuff so I made a lot of trips and started to get things organized for my move into my mom’s place. After talking with my mom, I decided that she was more excited for me to move into her place than I was. LOL.

I’ve been here for about a week and my mom was right, this was the best thing for me as I continue to look for a new house to buy and get her stuff organized for if/when she comes home. I can’t believe how much crap of my sister’s is hidden in this 700 square foot apartment. I have since done a purge of my mom’s closet and delivered a lot of my sister’s crap to her as well as made some runs to Goodwill. The place is coming together quite nicely and I have to say I am enjoying being here. I make a list of things I have gone through, that my mom needs to make the decision on and when I go see her at the hospital, she decides yay or nay. She laughs at my findings as she thought she threw it out or she lost it. Most things are to give away or for family; I will continue to plug away at getting this place in order and in the meantime, I am enjoying my alone time. It has taken a bit of time to get use to living in an apartment again, I haven’t shared walls with anyone since I was 19 but it will do for now and I will continue to look for a new house. Fingers crossed I can find something.

Leaving a Small Town...Again

Leaving a Small Town…Again.

August 31, 2013

Today is the last day in my house, tomorrow it gets a new owner. I have mixed emotions about it all as I am sad to leave the house that I called home for 5 years. However, I am now embarking on a new chapter in my life and I cannot wait to see where it takes me.

I moved to this city on the outskirts of Edmonton 5 years ago not knowing a soul. I know when I first moved here I was a little nervous as I wasn’t sure what to expect but I was close enough to the city that I wasn’t going to miss anything too much. The drive to my mom’s was a lot longer than it use to be, the drive to work also had an additional 15 minutes tacked on to it as well. I have to say, those were not big sellers for me.

As time went on, I found that I had adjusted really well to the small town vibe. I found all I needed and more on the main drag of town. I loved how everyone was so friendly; I loved how the stores weren’t as busy as they were in the city (Edmonton). Believe it or not, it had everything that I needed. I found that I did not shop in the city as much as I use to as I had become accustomed to the small town vibe shopping. I did not like the lines, I did not like the crowds, and I did not like waiting. I had become a small town bumpkin. LOL.

Well I hadn’t become a small town bumpkin; I just reverted back to one. I had grown up in a small town and very much enjoyed it. Everyone knew everyone and everyone knew everyone’s business. There was some give and take…but the atmosphere that it provides makes all the negative things not matter.

I enjoyed the quaintness, the peace and the harmony that I felt when I was there. I don’t think that I am going to have that again as I am moving back to the city and am already missing the small town.

I know that it is time for me to leave and I cannot live here as I stated before I am starting a new chapter of my life. This chapter just happens to live in the city; I look forward to not having an hour-long drive to attend anything. I will not miss the white-knuckle winter commutes, the extra time I needed to make the drive and the early morning starts as it took that much longer to get anywhere.

What I will miss is the peace that this place gave to me and the calmness that I felt when I had to run an errand. I know that I must move back to the city, but I also know that there is a small town girl who is going to miss this community. I will be back as its only 20 minutes away but it will definitely be missed…