Freedom?

Today I watched my cousin graduate high school; I watched her walk across the stage and accept her diploma. All the while she was smiling and giddy; just like any graduate should be. I remember ‘back in the day’ when I myself walked across a very similar stage to accept my high school diploma. I remember the feeling of ‘being done’, not having to worry about taking another class or getting up early. I could sleep in and not have to follow anyone else’s’ rules. Honestly I didn’t know where to begin and it was all that I could do to get started in ‘The Real World.’ I could see that same look on her face; all of the anticipation that life has to offer.

I didn’t want to burst her bubble and let her know that ‘The Real World’ isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. We think of all of the things that we can do now that we don’t have anyone to answer to anyone anymore. We think we are actually ‘Free’; oh sure we’re free from having to get up in the mornings. We’re free from having to hand in assignments; we’re free from explaining why we have so many tardiness’s. But really we have to think about where we are going to go now in life…that is a much bigger responsibility than just going to school.

For some people this comes naturally as they have always wanted to be something, then it’s easy just head to school for ‘said’ knowledge. But for others this doesn’t come as naturally, they may struggle until they find something that interests them. Either way this requires a lot of work, not only in school but in life as well. Then we come to realize that all that ‘found freedom’ really isn’t freedom at all and that being in school wasn’t so bad. We realize that in order to get things, it’s up to me to get them. I really don’t have the ‘freedom’ to just ignore something I have to address it.

As time goes on the real ‘freedom’ that we seek is to know that we’re happy in our lives and happy in our jobs and knowing that I can make a decision regarding anything in my life without having to be told. That is the true ‘freedom’ that we seek…

So for now, I will stand here and clap for her remembering that I too had that giddy face and really didn’t know what the world had in store for me. I hope that she finds her freedom before too long and can be standing in the same spot that I’m in 15 years from now watching her cousin graduate high school.

Trust

How can one word have so much weight? This five letter word literally makes or breaks you…

The reason I am thinking about trust is because I met a friend tonight, one that I haven’t seen in 2 years. No, we don’t live in different countries or provinces; in fact we live 40 minutes away from each other. She is the one that (you may recall from a previous blog Losing a Friend ) where we had a falling out due to a miscommunication. I was heartbroken at the fact of losing her out of my life. She and I were finally able to reconnect and managed to get together.

At first there was this awkwardness of something not being 100% but after more prying, talking, laughing and sharing we were able to take a step closer to getting back on track. I’m not naïve, I know that this is going to require a lot of work and I’m up for the challenge. However I also realize that it’s a two way street and I can’t overcompensate for things done in the past. She needs to give a little as well if we’re going to make this work.

But looking back on what happened I can’t seem to rid myself of the guilt of NOT being there for her and her daughter. How selfish of me! I am very angry with myself and despite my brain telling my heart a logical explanation; I still can’t get over the guilt. I grapple with this every time I think of my friend and her family. I just can’t seem to forgive myself…which leads me to think that maybe she can’t either?

I ask myself constantly “How does one get rid of the guilt?” I don’t know says the timid voice in my heart, as I try to think of something else to distract myself with. So now I pose the question to you “How does one get rid of the guilt?”

Will our friendship ever be the same? I don’t know. I really want to believe that it will be but only time will tell. I will continue with keeping the lines of communication open and make the effort to get to know her kids and forgive myself for not being there and most of all gain some patience throughout this whole experience.

As I continue to contemplate the whole scenario, I have an epiphany…I realize that it’s ME who doesn’t trust ME. I realize that I’m asking the wrong questions and think “…if I can’t trust myself, how can I expect her to trust me?” As I silently contemplate my new found knowledge, I wonder “How can I trust myself again so that she can trust me again?”

Away I Go...

Sitting here staring at the planes coming and going I can’t help but wonder…did I bring everything I need for my trip? I recall the last look at my over packed suitcase thinking to myself, I brought too much. How am I ever going to bring back the stuff that I buy down there? I know for sure I have a pair of golf cleats down there waiting for me. As for the rest of my yet to purchase treasures, I’ll make the room.

I must say I am anticipating packing my suitcase for the ride home; if it was anything like packing my suitcase to come down here I’ll have to laugh. Currently I have $65.00 worth of chocolate bars (available only in Canada) in my suitcase as a gift for my friend. As I was stuffing each individual chocolate bar in every nook and cranny I could find; I was wondering if these measly chocolate bars would put me over the weight limit. I continually kept lifting my suitcase hoping and praying each time that they didn’t make that much of a weight difference.

Something else crosses my mind as a convoy of luggage zooms by to be loaded onto an airplane; I wasn’t able to put a lock on my suitcase. The rules of the airline clearly state in regards to adding locks to suitcases (and I quote) “…we’ll cut the lock off if/when we search your bag.” Yikes! Then I start to imagine the scene in my head where I do get pulled over and they search my bag and discover all of these chocolate bars. They’ll wonder ‘how’ crazy is this person and ‘when’ is she going to snap? I immediately think of the worst…I think of how they’ll put my on the list to have my bags checked every single time I fly anywhere. Then I think, they could put me on the ‘No Fly’ list, how awful would that be? Then I imagine the customs agents hauling me away in handcuffs…then I remember something brilliant, I did indeed declare them on my US customs form. Then they’ll have to let me and my chocolate bars in right? Well now that I’ve worked myself up into a frenzy; I head off to security to see what surprises they have for me there. Wish me luck!

Just a quick update 2 hours later, I successfully went through customs with no questions asked…now to think about what I can smuggle in!

Sex scandals, will they ever end?

I don't know about you, but I can tell you that I am honestly sick and tired of listening to all of these "poor celebrities" and their cheating husbands/wives. I mean give me a break! Do I feel sorry for them...NOOOOOOOO! Would they feel sorry for me if this happened to me...NOOOOO!

I just don't understand the obsession with society today and who cheated with whom. It's actually getting so bad that one of those entertainment shows asked if there was a "curse" on leading lady Oscar winners. (Sandra Bullock scandal) I mean give me a break; this is what they come up with?? How pathetic is that?

I find it funny that we have nothing better to talk about than these "poor" celebrity marriages that are falling apart. I mean how many other problems are there in the world today and yet we still find ourselves fascinated by these people. It's no wonder the divorce rate has skyrocketed to new heights...we emulate these people and some example they are.

They cheat, get caught, smear the cheater and no one gets punished in the end. How fair is that? The husband/wife usually goes back to the cheating bastard/bitch and life goes on like nothing happened. Have we really continued with the 50's lifestyle of acceptance? Give me a break, if it were me I'd kick the bastard out and take him for all he's worth! When did it become ok to allow your significant other to cheat on you and get away with it?

All I can do is hope that the media will get a life and move on to more interesting stories and hopefully one of the cheat-ees will have the guts to stand up in front of the media and tell their sorry-ass excuse of a husband/wife to get the f@ck out because they are no longer welcome there and take them for all their worth.

God help the poor bastard who decides he's going to cheat on me!

Olympic Fever

When the Olympics started in Vancouver a week ago, I have to be honest I really wasn't interested. I decided since the rest of the world would be watching the Opening Ceremonies, I would too. Little did I know that I would be moved not only to tears, but my patriotism shone through. All I could think was..."Yeah, this is MY Country."

I eagerly went the next day to purchase some gear to not only support our athletes but to let the rest of the world know that I was supporting them too. When I got to the stores and looked through the picked over racks, I admit I was disappointed...I walked out of there with a Canuck t-shirt and a hat. Armed with these two items I came home and proceeded to watch the Olympic coverage. To my amazement were 4th in the medal standings and I soon saw that we also had won Gold on our soil. 

Even now thinking about that gives me goose bumps, I can't express how proud I am of our athletes.

I was lucky enough to catch Jon Montgomery win Gold in the Skeleton, man was that nail biting. I screamed up and down for joy when we won. I couldn't believe how much pride I felt when he crossed the finish line with the winning time. It was amazing! I couldn't begin to fathom how they must be feeling. I then proceeded to watch not only the flower ceremony but his interview with the CTV reporters. I had to wait a couple of hours to watch this however I was not disappointed. Not only was I clapping and screaming for him here at home, I couldn't help but laugh when he walked up to his interview with the CTV crew.

Only in Canada I thought...could a Gold medal athlete walk up on Live Television, accept a jug of beer from a fan and drink it right in front of the cameras! I LOVE IT!!! How awesome is that, that was a total and complete show of our Country. Not only did he chug the beer while walking, he then proceeded to auction it off, I mean that is just so awesome. I can't even think of words to describe it, only in Canada would that happen. Just thinking about that now puts a smile on my face, I can't help but laugh.

It just goes to show you how we as Canadians live, we aren't pretentious, we aren't mean, we are CANADIANS! And as long as we are Canadians we will continue to show the world how to live!

All I can say is GO CANADA GO!!! Your Country is behind you 100%, win or lose we still Love Ya!

Never a Bridesmaid, Never a Bride!

So I got the news today...that I wasn't in my girlfriends wedding party, for the second time. I know you're probably sitting there asking yourself how is this possible. Well let me fill you in...

It all started back last fall when a girlfriend of mine got engaged; we had become fast friends but I knew that she has friends from childhood and didn't think anything of being in her wedding party. I was fine with that, in fact I had helped her out a couple of times when she was stressing out over a wedding problem, needed advice or needed a suggestion. I was always there for her and didn't expect anything in return. I had gotten the news that she had already picked her bridesmaids and Maid of Honor (MOH) and I continued to help her in any way possible. As time went on it was becoming apparent with all of her "Not so Happy" wedding stories involving her Monster of Honor. I could see that this was very upsetting to her; I mean she came into my office and was tearing up describing her dress shopping with her trio of girls. I tried to console her as best as I could, however I stated the obvious fact that she needed to address this problem with her Monster of Honor. Unfortunately the Bride-to-Be didn't want to have anything to do with confronting her...so the verbal abuse continued. After many many hours of listening to the Bride-to-Be complaining I continued with my advice of getting it out sooner rather than later...

It came out that had her Groom-to-Be had 4 people I would've been the third bridesmaid. There it was out there, what the hell was I supposed to say to that? All that I could muster was "Thank You". But the good news didn't end there; she then went on to tell me that "if" she kicked her Monster of Honour out I was going to be stepping in...which then put me in a very awkward position, how do you tell one of your very good friends that one of her supposed very good friends needs to be kicked out on her ass and taught a lesson.

As the days went on, the complaining and hinting from the Bride-to-Be increased as well as my hope...then finally the Bride-to-Be snapped and wrote an email to her Monster of Honor...not to tell her that she was out but that she was behaving badly. The email seemed to have worked; but the Bride-to-Be didn't sound too convinced as said (and I quote) "...we'll see how she is, three strikes and you're out!" Like what the f@ck does that mean?? I thought that your MOH was supposed to be the person you trusted most and planned on being friends with until the day you die...the Bride-to-Be even said (again I quote) "...I don't know if (the MOH and I) will be friends after the wedding". This is the part that made me most sad...

This brought up many old memories of how I'd been passed over more than once for being a bridesmaid. The first time was when I was 19, a girlfriend that I'd been friends with since Junior High was getting married. We'd kept in touch and to find out from her sister that I wasn't a part of the wedding because I didn't attend her church regularly. That was heartbreaking...I cried for about a week and even during the wedding.

The second time was another friend who'd I'd been friends with since High School and yet again I was passed over because her mother thought I was the reason her daughter was so bad. But after 6 months of marriage and the Bride's continual affairs, her mother soon realized that I wasn't the problem.

The third time was for another new fast friend, she and I were inseparable...I'd met her through an ex and her and I were so close we could finish each other's thoughts. Once again her mother had convinced her to have only family, no friends. So I ended up being an usher in her wedding. We're still close as ever and she tells me every time that she regrets not having me in her wedding party.

The fourth time was for another friend and yet again had she had more people I would've definitely been in it. And now for the fifth time, I got the same excuse...

I sometimes wonder if this is something that Bride-to-Be's tell all their girlfriends to make them feel special so that their guilt is less? I really don't know? I'm at a point where I just wish for once that I wasn't passed by, maybe b/c I'm getting to an age where I don't know if it'll happen for me more than once (the Bridesmaid part). Maybe this is just something that I will just have to accept, but for now not only am I pissed but I'm sick of being passed by.

One of these days the Bride thing will happen but for now I just want to be a Bridesmaid!

My Very First Cheque

Do you remember who you wrote your very first cheque to...well oddly enough I do. The reason that I know this is because I was recently reminded of this while shopping online.

It was a typical evening and I was doing some very last minute Christmas shopping online and decided on a whim that I would search for a perfume that I use to wear when I was 16. The reason I was searching for this online is because it had been discontinued here in Canada. Oddly enough I found this great site where I was able to buy it at a ridiculously low price and the shipping was free. It took about 2 weeks to arrive here and I have to say I was pretty excited to rip the box open and make sure that once I sprayed it I would love it all over again.

The minute I sprayed it I was so happy because it smelled even better than I had remembered and the bottle it came in was ultra-cute too. As I finished with one last spray I was reminded of the very first time I ever smelled it...

I was 16 and had just gotten a job working at Safeway as a cashier; after a couple of paycheques I decided that I would go out and buy myself something. I was walking through the mall after a shift in my lovely polyester Safeway uniform which consisted of red pants and white smock shirt...yes I worked there that long ago. I was strolling through The Bay and came across the perfume counter and decided that I needed a signature scent.

After smelling many different and popular scents I couldn't seem to find that "right one". I was about to give up when the sales lady came over and suggested Realities by Liz Clairborne. I had never heard of it but thought the bottle was too cute to pass up so I tried it and immediately knew that it was "The One". I was getting my wallet out to pay (keep in mind that there was no debit machines at this time) and realized that I didn't have enough cash on me and the bank was closed...then I spotted my brand new cheques, just sitting there waiting to be used. I asked the sales lady if I could write a cheque and she was unsure of this as at the time I didn't have a credit card (they use to write the credit card numbers on the back of the cheques). Luckily I was wearing my trusty Safeway uniform and she recognized it and because I worked in the mall just down the corridor and I was able to write my very first cheque. The cheque was made out for $50 and I walked out with my new signature scent. So there you have it the very first cheque that I ever wrote.

And finding Realities online again made me remember where it was that I wrote my very first cheque.