Trust

How can one word have so much weight? This five letter word literally makes or breaks you…

The reason I am thinking about trust is because I met a friend tonight, one that I haven’t seen in 2 years. No, we don’t live in different countries or provinces; in fact we live 40 minutes away from each other. She is the one that (you may recall from a previous blog Losing a Friend ) where we had a falling out due to a miscommunication. I was heartbroken at the fact of losing her out of my life. She and I were finally able to reconnect and managed to get together.

At first there was this awkwardness of something not being 100% but after more prying, talking, laughing and sharing we were able to take a step closer to getting back on track. I’m not naïve, I know that this is going to require a lot of work and I’m up for the challenge. However I also realize that it’s a two way street and I can’t overcompensate for things done in the past. She needs to give a little as well if we’re going to make this work.

But looking back on what happened I can’t seem to rid myself of the guilt of NOT being there for her and her daughter. How selfish of me! I am very angry with myself and despite my brain telling my heart a logical explanation; I still can’t get over the guilt. I grapple with this every time I think of my friend and her family. I just can’t seem to forgive myself…which leads me to think that maybe she can’t either?

I ask myself constantly “How does one get rid of the guilt?” I don’t know says the timid voice in my heart, as I try to think of something else to distract myself with. So now I pose the question to you “How does one get rid of the guilt?”

Will our friendship ever be the same? I don’t know. I really want to believe that it will be but only time will tell. I will continue with keeping the lines of communication open and make the effort to get to know her kids and forgive myself for not being there and most of all gain some patience throughout this whole experience.

As I continue to contemplate the whole scenario, I have an epiphany…I realize that it’s ME who doesn’t trust ME. I realize that I’m asking the wrong questions and think “…if I can’t trust myself, how can I expect her to trust me?” As I silently contemplate my new found knowledge, I wonder “How can I trust myself again so that she can trust me again?”