Like a Ton of Bricks

Like a Ton of Bricks

October 20, 2014

It’s 12:16AM October 20^th, my 39^th birthday. This is my first birthday without my mom. I’m lying in bed crying because I miss her and the reality of it hits me like a ton of bricks. The only image I have in my head is the one of her passing away. It was and still isn’t a pleasant memory for me. Death is so final and the fact that she is gone saddens me to the core of my heart. My mom, my poor mom…why did she have to go? I miss her so much, the thought of it makes my heart literally ache. I have to admit, I’m lying here hoping for some sort of sign from her. Do I believe in signs? Yes. Have they happened to me? Yes, I think so. Do I want one to happen more than anything in the world right now? Yes.

Why do I need a sign? What will it prove? Nothing…maybe, or maybe I just want to feel close to her again.

A co-worker of mine just recently lost her mom and asked me today if it gets any better…initially I said yes. But then I told her the truth, time doesn’t make it better or hurt any less. I wish I could tell her it helps but right now I can’t say for certain that it does. As I continue to cry thinking about my mom and her obvious absence this year…I just wonder if I’ll ever start to feel better.

Inheriting Someone Else's Neglect

Inheriting Someone Else’s Neglect

May 22, 2014

Well the birds are chirping welcoming another season, Spring is here! I say this cheerily as I recently hurt my hand and have a boxer’s fracture. I have been in a splint for over a month and am getting cabin fever as everyone I know is playing ball and I am not able to. With all this extra time and my mobility limited, I decided that the time has come for me to get the landscaping done in my backyard.

When I originally purchased this place, it was a foreclosure. I was very fortunate as it had been well maintained…for the most part and didn’t require an overhaul. Some cosmetic things needed to be done but overall a minimal amount of work. My biggest challenge when I bought this place was the lack of landscaping…or should I say non-existent landscaping. I had hired a friend of a friend to complete the front yard, build a walkway and finish down both sides of my house as well as put down pavers to outline my flowerbed in the backyard. He did an amazing job but decided to get out of the business…so I was on my own to finish the rest of the dreaded backyard.

I say dreaded because the previous owner had the home for 7 years and never put in any landscaping. I had heard some horror stories that he never finished the back fence and the bank (upon seizure) put the fence up. He also had many complaints about the out of control weeds (we’re talking 4 feet high), which apparently the City use to come and cut it…charging him $75 each time. I also heard that when he owned it, there were so many complaints about the front landscaping not being done and when the annual general meeting came along…it somehow made it’s way into the meeting minutes about how much of an eyesore it was. So needless to say I had my work cut out for me, luckily I had only half a job to do but man oh man was it a huge job. It took many man hours to get it done but I’m really happy with the results…I suspect that I may have to move some plants here and there but that’s minor compared to what I inherited. It’s nice to come home to a finished yard.

This wasn’t the only horror story I have about this place, the day after I moved everything in…I was sleeping in and I heard a ‘BANG, BANG, BANG, RING, RING’ at my front door. It startled me out of my slumber and it continued as I walked down the stairs to answer the door. I thought to myself, who the hell is banging on my front door at 8AM? As I turned the corner I saw two police officers staring into the window of my front door. I answered the door and was surprised when they asked for the previous owner by name. I told them that I didn’t know who he was but that I had bought the property and just moved in. I also told them that they aren’t the first people to ask me about him and that I had some mail for him if they find him. They told me that there was a warrant out for his arrest…I was shocked and reiterated that he doesn’t live here and I don’t know who he is. After some convincing, like I was hiding him or something, they left. I was shocked as I had never been in trouble with the law before and was surprised that they didn’t believe me when I told them I didn’t know who he was. I didn’t know what kind of trouble he was in but I tell ya…it wasn’t a good way to start the day.

When I went to check the mail for the first time, I was shocked to discover that not only was my mailbox (in the superbox) full…but there was a key in there and the additional mailbox where parcels are received was full too. I couldn’t believe that so much mail had accumulated. It took me 2 reusable bags to collect it all…who leaves like this and doesn’t have a forwarding address? This is what I meant by inheriting someone else’s problems. I had never had to do so much when I bought a house before…he really just left and never dealt with anything. I suspect it will be some time before all his mail stops coming to the house…but if that’s all I have to worry about, then I’m in a good spot. For the rest of it, I believe I have dealt with and handled all the other crap he left. It’s weird but I don’t like this character, even though I’ve never met him before. Like seriously dude, clean up your own messes. As for me, I have the house and everything else right where I want it. When the time comes for me to sell this place, I will be certain to not have the new owner inherit my neglect. 

I Finally Found Him!

I Finally Found Him!

April 11, 2014

It always amazes me what death does to the people around it, some people go crazy and relive their youth, some people do a lot of soul searching…I believe I am one of the latter folks. Since my mom passed away, I have been doing some serious thinking and overall reflecting about what I want in life. The first thing that came to my mind was a family; I hadn’t found the person that I wanted to have children with…that is until now.

I had given up on finding love after my last relationship; I thought I was doomed to live the life of a spinster, who inherits everyone’s cats. I had come to terms with that fact and just worked on myself after I ended my relationship in 2012. I had decided against dating but somehow got roped into a few blind dates here and there. Nothing ever panned out as I had it in my mind that I was going to give myself some time to grieve my old relationship and better myself.

I managed to stay single and happy for 11 months, I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I enjoyed my time alone and enjoyed working around my schedule and no one else’s. I had met my new Mr. at a slo-pitch tournament. We had hit it off and decided that we both didn’t want a relationship; in fact, we both agreed that we could be friends with benefits. There were some ground rules that we had put into place and we abided by them to the letter.

We enjoyed each other’s company and as time went on, we had really started to develop feelings for one another. I was discussing this with a co-worker and had come to the conclusion that I was going to end things. I found that our age difference would eventually play a part in the demise of our relationship and figured that I would make the first move at ending it.

I met with him, we started to talk, and as we continued to talk, we discovered that we both had some pretty deep feeling for each other. Our arrangement had turned into a full-fledged relationship, without our knowledge. How had this happened? We both don’t know and we didn’t need an answer, as we were content with what we had.

We decided that the best thing to do was to give it a try and see where it takes us. So far, it’s been really good and really easy. We both agreed that if a relationship is easy, that’s not a bad thing. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not always easy; we have our moments. However, we communicate through them and we continue to make each other happy and that is why I know that I’ve found him, as I want to make it work. I want to be happy and most of all, I want to have kids with him. I have never said that about any other man that I’ve been in a relationship with; I just found myself saying that I didn’t want kids. Yet, here I sit…after all, of my breakups and heartache; I am with someone that I want to have children with.

I sometimes wonder if this is how it was suppose to turn out for me. I know that everything happens for a reason and timing is everything. I didn’t have kids young, I waited. I didn’t get married when I was suppose to, I’m still waiting. I didn’t do things the way I was suppose according to society…but you know what? I’m happier that I didn’t and happier that I am the one who gets to choose what I want to do with my life. In the end, my journey is over because I found him.  

She planned everything, right up to the end

She planned everything, right up to the very end.

March 18, 2014

It has been about a month since my mama has passed away. I think about her everyday and miss her more and more as the days go on. I think about her laugh, I think about her smile, I think about how she is no longer in pain…but most of all I think about how she is not here.

I got thinking about the past few months and how I was kept busy by my mom’s requests. It all started when we found out that she would not be going back home from the hospital. She made the hard decision to give up her apartment. Luckily, it was a request made easier as I was occupying her apartment until I was able to fine a place of my own. Every night I would go home after visiting her and I would pack up a box of her stuff. It really was not that difficult of a task to pack away a few boxes here and there. I had already done the hard work of purging her stuff so this seemed like the natural next step. Along the way, I would double check with her about the items she wanted to keep and the items she wanted to give away.

Most things went to my brother as he was planning to get a place of his own. She pretty much furnished his entire apartment and was able to pass things along to those who she cared about. I continued to get all of this done while she directed me from her hospital bed. 

I finally got her apartment cleared out and gave back the keys. I walked through it one final time and took in all the memories we had in this place. It was definitely another sad moment, not only for me but I imagine for my mom. She was pleased when she got her full deposit back and that chapter of her like was closed.

I think back on this as it was only two short months ago and I didn’t know that she was planning to have all of this dealt with before she left this earth. I just kept doing what she asked and making sure that I got it just right so she would be happy. I did not see it at the time but I can see it now and wow, oh wow…she really was a sneaky little woman.

I am glad that I didn’t know what she was doing as it probably would’ve made the task that much harder. I know that I would’ve been emotional and possibly not been able to get it done. However, she knew what she was doing, always looking out for her kids. It makes me sad to think about this and how much she loved us and even right to the end she tried to take care of us and what she could so that it wasn’t such a burden for us.

My smart little mama…oh how I miss her so.

She is with the angels now

She is With the Angels Now

February 14, 2014

Today is the day that I lost my mom…despite it being Valentine’s Day; this will always be the day that I lost her.

I knew the end was near and sadly, I was in the room when it happened. I wasn’t going to initially stay but something told me that I needed to and I decided that I would not let her be alone. She brought me into this world and the least that I could do was to be there for her when she took her last breath.

I still cry when I think about it and I suspect I will continue to cry for a long time. She was too young, she had so much life ahead of her and it was cut short. I feel ripped off, I feel like she never got a chance. Why did she have to go?

While saying this, her quality of life was non-existent and she is no longer in pain. Doesn’t mean I don’t miss her…

I do not know what I will do with my time now…I came to see her everyday. I would feed her supper and we would talk. I would tell her stories and about what was going on in the world, we would watch TV shows together. She would always laugh and boss me around. I would always tell her, “You’re little, but you’re fierce”. She loved that, she loved knowing that we were still scared of her in her frail condition.

Maybe one day it will all make sense but for right now, I just want to be sad and miss her like crazy. It’s true, no matter how old you are and you lose your parents…you’re never ready for it. It’s the circle of life and we all know that parents will go before their kids but no one will understand how powerful of a loss it is until it happens to you.

I miss you mom and will love you forever.

A Sad Day...

A Sad Day…

January 20, 2014

Today the movers came to move my mom’s stuff out of her apartment into my house. It was only 2 weeks ago that with the assistance of my friends we moved my stuff from the storage unit into my house. So needless to say, it has been a busy couple of week and I cannot wait until I am done packing.

Since buying the house, I had it painted. It took some time and luckily, I was able to stay at my mom’s place until it was done. I am still living out of boxes and unpacking myself and have now completed the task of moving my mom out of her apartment.

The reason that it is a sad day is because she has lived in this apartment for so long…not only that we have been told that she will not be leaving the hospital. The fact that I am doing the final clean of her apartment is something that I didn’t think we would be doing any time soon. I was always expecting her to come back home after I decluttered her place…I didn’t think she wouldn’t be coming home.

As I stare at the bare walls, clean carpet and little things left behind…a lump starts to develop in my throat. I wish that she could have come back here to see what she helped to accomplish in the purge.

I start to think of all the laughs we had here, all the memories we made. I know it sounds odd and it is just an apartment but to me it is more than that. This was my mom’s home and I honestly never thought she wouldn’t be coming back here.

So for me, it is a sad day…I can’t imagine what it is like for her. I will go and see her after I finish the last few things. The Manager gave her back her full deposit so she will be happy to hear that. In the end though, no one wants to know that you are never going home again.