I Can Stand on My Own Two Feet!

I Can Stand on My Own Two Feet!

September 24, 2012

Today was a very grueling day to say the least; it started like any other day except…I started my day by cutting the lawn. Let me go back a few steps and explain, as you are all aware the Mr. and I split 3 weeks ago. I have since been alone in the homestead and been the breadwinner, house cleaner, bill payer and maintenance person. I have been doing the normal things I use to do in the past, such as cleaning, cooking, and paying household bills. However since I have been alone, I have also been tasked with other things that were not in my realm of experience. Such as, changing a furnace humidifier filter, cleaning and organizing the garage and lastly yard work. The last one I have been avoiding as it has not been too bad and for the most part, there isn’t too much to do. I received a phone call from the Ex Mr. letting me know that he was going to stop by this past weekend to cut the lawn, as it needed to be done before winter sets in. I said no problem and ensured that I was not home when he was there so that he could do what he needed to and leave. When I got home on Sunday evening, I peeked outside and it looked like nothing was done. I sent a quick text to ask him if he was by and heard nothing back until the next morning at 6:00 AM. This is when I lost my sh*t, I sent him a text message back saying that I did not need him to come by and cut the lawn and that I would do it myself. I suspect the only reason that I was so upset is that he is the one who initially sent the text telling me that it needed to be done and he was going to come and do it. This was a common occurrence in our relationship and I think I had just had enough. Why send a text telling me this needed to be done and say you are going to come and do it and then you flake out? Like seriously?!?!

I immediately got up and sent a message to my boss that I was going to be late getting to work, as I had to cut my lawn. I was keeping my boss in the loop so he knew what was going on in regards to the Ex Mr. and me. His reply back to me was ‘Ok, see you when you get here’. So off to the shed I went to assess the situation of what I had and what I needed. From the looks of things, I had the gas, the bag and the lawnmower…what more did I need?  After pulling it all out of the shed, I adjusted the blade, hit the choke and pulled the cord…nothing. I hit the choke and pulled the cord again and, nothing. WTF, I thought. After some choice words and multiple pulls on the lawnmower, I finally got it started. I decided that it did not need to be pretty; it just needed to get done. I started on the outside of the yard and would work my way in, I did not make it very far though as the grass was longer than it looked and the bag needed to be emptied every couple of swipes. When we initially bought the house, we bought it for the yard size and as I continued to do laps of my yard and empty the bag…I was cursing this decision. It was great to play in and lay in the sun, but it was a real b*tch to mow. As I pushed that mower up and down the slope of the yard, I could feel my frustration going away. I did not realize how much of a stress reliever mowing the lawn was. I took a picture of the yard just before I finished to not only show the Ex Mr. that it was done but also to validate to myself that I could do things for myself and that I didn’t need to rely on anyone. I had no idea that cutting the lawn today was so symbolic to me in moving forward with my healing. I will always know that ‘cutting the lawn’ today means so much more than that. 

Not So Happily Ever After

Not So Happily Ever After

September 7, 2012

I called it quits with the Mr. after 6 years; I decided that this just was not working for me. It seems that we are not headed in the same direction and his goals changed a few years back. I did give it a valiant effort once I realized that our goals were not in alignment but it seems that just was not enough. I did the “breaking-up” part, I had just been asked to head out of town to play ball and I decided I would go. I stood up from the couch and said, “I don’t think this is working and I think we should break-up”. I looked at him and he said, “We should think about this”. I immediately bounded up the stairs and stopped halfway up and said, “I can’t as I’m heading out of town”.

Yes, I was a coward. Yes, I ensured that I was out of the house shortly after I dropped the bomb. Could I have done it better? Probably, as I have done it a few other times. Regardless, this is how I chose to do it and off I went to play ball and drink away my sorrows.

After the weekend and the time I had to think by myself, I questioned if I had done the right thing in breaking up with him. I arrived home to him sitting in the living room waiting for me, we exchanged pleasantries and then sat down and discussed ‘breaking up’. We were both uncertain if we wanted this to happen but we also agreed that we were both unhappy. Things had changed and we did not know what to do to get it back. Our conversation led us to a continual loop of unanswered questions so we decided to call it a night. The next day we went back to being ships in the night and no further conversations happened. It was a weird dynamic as we were still co-habitating and still eating dinner together but not talking or sleeping in the same room. A week or so passed and finally he stood up and said that he was going to the lake to stay there for a while and think about things and how he could repair what had been done and we will talk then. I wasn’t sure what to think about this as honestly I thought I had broken up with him and what was there to repair?

A week had gone by and I was not sleeping or eating. I was constantly worrying about how to separate things and what my next steps were. He did not make things easy by going rogue, I understand not wanting to talk but I did send him some text messages that went unreturned about what his thoughts were with selling the house etcetera. I was slowly but surely feeling better about my decision as I was alone and was able to think and see the benefit of being alone instead of just settling. Then unexpectedly, he showed up at the house. It was the Sunday of Thanksgiving weekend; he decided to take a chance that I would be at home. Yes, I was home…I was loading the empties to take back to the bottle depot. He came up to me, looked me straight in the eye, and said, “Yes, I think you’re right we do need to break-up”. Even though I was the one who initially broke up with him a few weeks prior, it was as though I was hearing it for the first time. We both stared at each other knowing that it was over; we embraced and cried, as we knew right there that it was over and this was our goodbye. This is the moment that I will remember the most with this break-up as we ended our long-term relationship the same way that we started it, as adults.

My hope is that we can stay this amicable and we each find someone that loves us as much as we love them. I know that we want the best for each other and maybe we will be one of those couples that will remain friends. For right now though, we need to wade through to see what our next steps are and go from there. If Mr. M ever reads this, I wish you well and thank you for being a part of my life for 6 years. You have taught me so much and I continue to strive to be a better person because of you.