Missing a Part of Me

I’m on my way home from another great visit with my cousins who reside in BC. I have to tell you that every time I leave I feel like I’m leaving a part of me there.

I had the pleasure of reacquainting myself with some older cousins when I was 24 and ever since then we’ve been inseparable. We were all at a family member’s funeral and I had the unfortunate task of organizing the whole thing. Luckily the cousins from BC came down to help out as much as they could. After what felt like our first introduction we were in very tight quarters on very little sleep. This led to many late night conversations of not only getting to know each other but also understanding each other. We continued to do this for 7 days and as the days carried on and our ‘to do’ lists got shorter we knew we were fast approaching the funeral and our time together would soon be coming to an end.

Ever since then I go to BC about 2-3 times a year and we always have such a blast. We try to do as much as we possibly can in the short time that I am there visiting, I just love the family atmosphere. Despite the time of year that I go down there we somehow find a way for all of us to get together almost every night and have dinner and catch up and just be with each other. I love that!

I don’t have that same connection with my cousins out here which is why I feel very sad when I leave there. I wish that we lived closer together so that I could experience that feeling of closeness every single day of my life. Oh sure, we talk on the phone, email and text but it just isn’t the same as actually being there.

Hence the reason that I feel as though I am leaving a part of me behind when I leave. I know that I can always go there to visit and feel like that any time that I want to, I just wish we were closer together. Driving 8 hours one way is a little daunting but I will do it just to be able to share that same feeling with my cousins out there. 

Those Were the Days...

I just dropped my mom off at home on a nice warm fall day, I had the windows down taking in the last bit of nice weather until Old Man Winter decided to come.

I happened to hear some children screaming, in a good way coming in through the passenger side window. I immediately looked over and there to my right was a school playground. There were children everywhere screaming, chasing each other, and taking turns on the merry-go-round. I sat there and thought; wow I wish I could be so carefree and not have a care in the world.

I recalled my childhood memories in elementary school, when the bell would ring for recess and it was a race to the playground. At that moment all we cared about was who was "it", who could go the fastest and who could go the highest. We didn’t care about all the adult things that come as we continue to age. We were just so present in that moment and didn’t have a care in the world.

I sometimes think that we should go to that ‘happy place’ every now and again. It would give us a nice break from the hectic-ness that we all call life. I don’t suggest we go there all the time, just sometimes when we need to just feel free of all our worries. I mean we are still adults and have responsibilities to take care of; it would just be a nice break from reality is all.

As I sit there lost in thought, the school bell rings signaling the end of recess. The kids all go back to class and I pull away with the fondest memories of living in the carefree days of being a kid…

Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder

I was following someone with Ontario license plates through the Jasper National Park today. I abruptly had to jam on the brakes as my ‘lead car’ stopped to pull out their camera to take a picture or two of the mountain goats that were crossing the highway. At first I was a little bit upset but then chuckled as I realized that this occurrence doesn’t happen for these folks on a regular basis.

I forget that for the thirtieth time this summer, I am forced to trek through the majestic Rockies in order to get to my final destination. I seem to have forgotten the splendor that these large tectonic plates provide to each person. I am unfazed by the true beauty that these ‘ladies’ possess.

I remember driving through the Rockies for the first time; my breath was literally taken away. I couldn’t believe the sheer size of the mountains and that there was so much beauty just waiting to be discovered. I contemplated how long they’d be there and just what had to happen to make them the size that they are. I wonder about all of the wildlife that exists deep in the forest of trees that grow as cover for the mountains. I wondered if dinosaurs were still around, how they would compare in size. Would it just be a quick little jaunt for a T-Rex? Would the valleys be comparable to a brontosaurus? I think at this point I am more in awe of the size of these things and try to find some sort of comparison so that I can understand just how large these things are.

I continue to drive and pass by a lake or two; I try to think of a name for the deep but transparent colour of green that is sitting at the base of the mountain waiting for a bird to make its nest here. It’s not quite emerald, but it’s not hunter green either…I call it ‘Mountain’ green. Because there is no other colour like it and how can you describe something so beautiful to someone who’s never seen it before.

As I keep actually looking at the mountains and all their majesty I start to think that maybe that tourist was right after all and we shouldn’t take for granted the beauty that the mountains hold. Instead of grumbling about the animals crossing the highway and adding another 15 minutes to our trip; we should be taking in all that the mountains have to offer. After all not everyone gets to see such a beautiful sight on an eight hour journey multiple times a year.

Freedom?

Today I watched my cousin graduate high school; I watched her walk across the stage and accept her diploma. All the while she was smiling and giddy; just like any graduate should be. I remember ‘back in the day’ when I myself walked across a very similar stage to accept my high school diploma. I remember the feeling of ‘being done’, not having to worry about taking another class or getting up early. I could sleep in and not have to follow anyone else’s’ rules. Honestly I didn’t know where to begin and it was all that I could do to get started in ‘The Real World.’ I could see that same look on her face; all of the anticipation that life has to offer.

I didn’t want to burst her bubble and let her know that ‘The Real World’ isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. We think of all of the things that we can do now that we don’t have anyone to answer to anyone anymore. We think we are actually ‘Free’; oh sure we’re free from having to get up in the mornings. We’re free from having to hand in assignments; we’re free from explaining why we have so many tardiness’s. But really we have to think about where we are going to go now in life…that is a much bigger responsibility than just going to school.

For some people this comes naturally as they have always wanted to be something, then it’s easy just head to school for ‘said’ knowledge. But for others this doesn’t come as naturally, they may struggle until they find something that interests them. Either way this requires a lot of work, not only in school but in life as well. Then we come to realize that all that ‘found freedom’ really isn’t freedom at all and that being in school wasn’t so bad. We realize that in order to get things, it’s up to me to get them. I really don’t have the ‘freedom’ to just ignore something I have to address it.

As time goes on the real ‘freedom’ that we seek is to know that we’re happy in our lives and happy in our jobs and knowing that I can make a decision regarding anything in my life without having to be told. That is the true ‘freedom’ that we seek…

So for now, I will stand here and clap for her remembering that I too had that giddy face and really didn’t know what the world had in store for me. I hope that she finds her freedom before too long and can be standing in the same spot that I’m in 15 years from now watching her cousin graduate high school.

Trust

How can one word have so much weight? This five letter word literally makes or breaks you…

The reason I am thinking about trust is because I met a friend tonight, one that I haven’t seen in 2 years. No, we don’t live in different countries or provinces; in fact we live 40 minutes away from each other. She is the one that (you may recall from a previous blog Losing a Friend ) where we had a falling out due to a miscommunication. I was heartbroken at the fact of losing her out of my life. She and I were finally able to reconnect and managed to get together.

At first there was this awkwardness of something not being 100% but after more prying, talking, laughing and sharing we were able to take a step closer to getting back on track. I’m not naïve, I know that this is going to require a lot of work and I’m up for the challenge. However I also realize that it’s a two way street and I can’t overcompensate for things done in the past. She needs to give a little as well if we’re going to make this work.

But looking back on what happened I can’t seem to rid myself of the guilt of NOT being there for her and her daughter. How selfish of me! I am very angry with myself and despite my brain telling my heart a logical explanation; I still can’t get over the guilt. I grapple with this every time I think of my friend and her family. I just can’t seem to forgive myself…which leads me to think that maybe she can’t either?

I ask myself constantly “How does one get rid of the guilt?” I don’t know says the timid voice in my heart, as I try to think of something else to distract myself with. So now I pose the question to you “How does one get rid of the guilt?”

Will our friendship ever be the same? I don’t know. I really want to believe that it will be but only time will tell. I will continue with keeping the lines of communication open and make the effort to get to know her kids and forgive myself for not being there and most of all gain some patience throughout this whole experience.

As I continue to contemplate the whole scenario, I have an epiphany…I realize that it’s ME who doesn’t trust ME. I realize that I’m asking the wrong questions and think “…if I can’t trust myself, how can I expect her to trust me?” As I silently contemplate my new found knowledge, I wonder “How can I trust myself again so that she can trust me again?”

Away I Go...

Sitting here staring at the planes coming and going I can’t help but wonder…did I bring everything I need for my trip? I recall the last look at my over packed suitcase thinking to myself, I brought too much. How am I ever going to bring back the stuff that I buy down there? I know for sure I have a pair of golf cleats down there waiting for me. As for the rest of my yet to purchase treasures, I’ll make the room.

I must say I am anticipating packing my suitcase for the ride home; if it was anything like packing my suitcase to come down here I’ll have to laugh. Currently I have $65.00 worth of chocolate bars (available only in Canada) in my suitcase as a gift for my friend. As I was stuffing each individual chocolate bar in every nook and cranny I could find; I was wondering if these measly chocolate bars would put me over the weight limit. I continually kept lifting my suitcase hoping and praying each time that they didn’t make that much of a weight difference.

Something else crosses my mind as a convoy of luggage zooms by to be loaded onto an airplane; I wasn’t able to put a lock on my suitcase. The rules of the airline clearly state in regards to adding locks to suitcases (and I quote) “…we’ll cut the lock off if/when we search your bag.” Yikes! Then I start to imagine the scene in my head where I do get pulled over and they search my bag and discover all of these chocolate bars. They’ll wonder ‘how’ crazy is this person and ‘when’ is she going to snap? I immediately think of the worst…I think of how they’ll put my on the list to have my bags checked every single time I fly anywhere. Then I think, they could put me on the ‘No Fly’ list, how awful would that be? Then I imagine the customs agents hauling me away in handcuffs…then I remember something brilliant, I did indeed declare them on my US customs form. Then they’ll have to let me and my chocolate bars in right? Well now that I’ve worked myself up into a frenzy; I head off to security to see what surprises they have for me there. Wish me luck!

Just a quick update 2 hours later, I successfully went through customs with no questions asked…now to think about what I can smuggle in!

Sex scandals, will they ever end?

I don't know about you, but I can tell you that I am honestly sick and tired of listening to all of these "poor celebrities" and their cheating husbands/wives. I mean give me a break! Do I feel sorry for them...NOOOOOOOO! Would they feel sorry for me if this happened to me...NOOOOO!

I just don't understand the obsession with society today and who cheated with whom. It's actually getting so bad that one of those entertainment shows asked if there was a "curse" on leading lady Oscar winners. (Sandra Bullock scandal) I mean give me a break; this is what they come up with?? How pathetic is that?

I find it funny that we have nothing better to talk about than these "poor" celebrity marriages that are falling apart. I mean how many other problems are there in the world today and yet we still find ourselves fascinated by these people. It's no wonder the divorce rate has skyrocketed to new heights...we emulate these people and some example they are.

They cheat, get caught, smear the cheater and no one gets punished in the end. How fair is that? The husband/wife usually goes back to the cheating bastard/bitch and life goes on like nothing happened. Have we really continued with the 50's lifestyle of acceptance? Give me a break, if it were me I'd kick the bastard out and take him for all he's worth! When did it become ok to allow your significant other to cheat on you and get away with it?

All I can do is hope that the media will get a life and move on to more interesting stories and hopefully one of the cheat-ees will have the guts to stand up in front of the media and tell their sorry-ass excuse of a husband/wife to get the f@ck out because they are no longer welcome there and take them for all their worth.

God help the poor bastard who decides he's going to cheat on me!

Olympic Fever

When the Olympics started in Vancouver a week ago, I have to be honest I really wasn't interested. I decided since the rest of the world would be watching the Opening Ceremonies, I would too. Little did I know that I would be moved not only to tears, but my patriotism shone through. All I could think was..."Yeah, this is MY Country."

I eagerly went the next day to purchase some gear to not only support our athletes but to let the rest of the world know that I was supporting them too. When I got to the stores and looked through the picked over racks, I admit I was disappointed...I walked out of there with a Canuck t-shirt and a hat. Armed with these two items I came home and proceeded to watch the Olympic coverage. To my amazement were 4th in the medal standings and I soon saw that we also had won Gold on our soil. 

Even now thinking about that gives me goose bumps, I can't express how proud I am of our athletes.

I was lucky enough to catch Jon Montgomery win Gold in the Skeleton, man was that nail biting. I screamed up and down for joy when we won. I couldn't believe how much pride I felt when he crossed the finish line with the winning time. It was amazing! I couldn't begin to fathom how they must be feeling. I then proceeded to watch not only the flower ceremony but his interview with the CTV reporters. I had to wait a couple of hours to watch this however I was not disappointed. Not only was I clapping and screaming for him here at home, I couldn't help but laugh when he walked up to his interview with the CTV crew.

Only in Canada I thought...could a Gold medal athlete walk up on Live Television, accept a jug of beer from a fan and drink it right in front of the cameras! I LOVE IT!!! How awesome is that, that was a total and complete show of our Country. Not only did he chug the beer while walking, he then proceeded to auction it off, I mean that is just so awesome. I can't even think of words to describe it, only in Canada would that happen. Just thinking about that now puts a smile on my face, I can't help but laugh.

It just goes to show you how we as Canadians live, we aren't pretentious, we aren't mean, we are CANADIANS! And as long as we are Canadians we will continue to show the world how to live!

All I can say is GO CANADA GO!!! Your Country is behind you 100%, win or lose we still Love Ya!

Never a Bridesmaid, Never a Bride!

So I got the news today...that I wasn't in my girlfriends wedding party, for the second time. I know you're probably sitting there asking yourself how is this possible. Well let me fill you in...

It all started back last fall when a girlfriend of mine got engaged; we had become fast friends but I knew that she has friends from childhood and didn't think anything of being in her wedding party. I was fine with that, in fact I had helped her out a couple of times when she was stressing out over a wedding problem, needed advice or needed a suggestion. I was always there for her and didn't expect anything in return. I had gotten the news that she had already picked her bridesmaids and Maid of Honor (MOH) and I continued to help her in any way possible. As time went on it was becoming apparent with all of her "Not so Happy" wedding stories involving her Monster of Honor. I could see that this was very upsetting to her; I mean she came into my office and was tearing up describing her dress shopping with her trio of girls. I tried to console her as best as I could, however I stated the obvious fact that she needed to address this problem with her Monster of Honor. Unfortunately the Bride-to-Be didn't want to have anything to do with confronting her...so the verbal abuse continued. After many many hours of listening to the Bride-to-Be complaining I continued with my advice of getting it out sooner rather than later...

It came out that had her Groom-to-Be had 4 people I would've been the third bridesmaid. There it was out there, what the hell was I supposed to say to that? All that I could muster was "Thank You". But the good news didn't end there; she then went on to tell me that "if" she kicked her Monster of Honour out I was going to be stepping in...which then put me in a very awkward position, how do you tell one of your very good friends that one of her supposed very good friends needs to be kicked out on her ass and taught a lesson.

As the days went on, the complaining and hinting from the Bride-to-Be increased as well as my hope...then finally the Bride-to-Be snapped and wrote an email to her Monster of Honor...not to tell her that she was out but that she was behaving badly. The email seemed to have worked; but the Bride-to-Be didn't sound too convinced as said (and I quote) "...we'll see how she is, three strikes and you're out!" Like what the f@ck does that mean?? I thought that your MOH was supposed to be the person you trusted most and planned on being friends with until the day you die...the Bride-to-Be even said (again I quote) "...I don't know if (the MOH and I) will be friends after the wedding". This is the part that made me most sad...

This brought up many old memories of how I'd been passed over more than once for being a bridesmaid. The first time was when I was 19, a girlfriend that I'd been friends with since Junior High was getting married. We'd kept in touch and to find out from her sister that I wasn't a part of the wedding because I didn't attend her church regularly. That was heartbreaking...I cried for about a week and even during the wedding.

The second time was another friend who'd I'd been friends with since High School and yet again I was passed over because her mother thought I was the reason her daughter was so bad. But after 6 months of marriage and the Bride's continual affairs, her mother soon realized that I wasn't the problem.

The third time was for another new fast friend, she and I were inseparable...I'd met her through an ex and her and I were so close we could finish each other's thoughts. Once again her mother had convinced her to have only family, no friends. So I ended up being an usher in her wedding. We're still close as ever and she tells me every time that she regrets not having me in her wedding party.

The fourth time was for another friend and yet again had she had more people I would've definitely been in it. And now for the fifth time, I got the same excuse...

I sometimes wonder if this is something that Bride-to-Be's tell all their girlfriends to make them feel special so that their guilt is less? I really don't know? I'm at a point where I just wish for once that I wasn't passed by, maybe b/c I'm getting to an age where I don't know if it'll happen for me more than once (the Bridesmaid part). Maybe this is just something that I will just have to accept, but for now not only am I pissed but I'm sick of being passed by.

One of these days the Bride thing will happen but for now I just want to be a Bridesmaid!