Something's Gotta Give

Life has a way of throwing things at ya; it starts to pile up with what seems like no end in sight. Here I sit after another game of softball; and honestly I couldn't hit my way out of a wet paper bag if I tried. I expect so much of myself; the pressures that I put on myself are actually quite high. I take it out on myself if I am not up to par and I try and try and try. I am what one might call persistent; I won't give up because I need to find a solution to why I am doing so badly.

With all that is currently going on in my life; I am not surprised that ball has taken a backseat and my performance level has come down quite a bit. Unfortunately I do not have the time to try and rectify the problem.

With work chomping at the bit, my Uncle being diagnosed with Cancer...diagnosis yet to be determined. My b/f's Uncle currently admitted to the Cross Cancer Institute, the two courses that I am taking part-time, the lack of time that I get to spend with my b/f and last but not least the lack of time I get to spend on myself...something had to give.

Do I feel bad that it was ball that had to give? Yes, I really wish that it would've been something else; how can I continue to play a sport that I am feeling that I cannot perform well at? I ask myself that question every time I am driving out there? I'm sure that my teammates are asking themselves that very same question. How can I not feel bad when I know I am letting the team down???

Luckily there is only one more game left in the season and then one final weekend of playoffs. Am I happy about that? Yes! I am so disappointed with my performance that I feel as though it's starting to take its toll...

But all in all; if ball is the one thing that has to give; I'll let it go and start a new season next year. I mean really I got too much else going on to worry about it. 

Why do People Die?

"Why do people die?" asks the inquisitive 8 year old…my response…"I don't know." End of story right, well not really. My first thought is of sadness of 'Yes, why did she/he have to die?' I don't know any more than you do; is my answer a little more embellished about this subject that I know so little about? Yes, I would have to say so. We say what we "think" the person wants to hear OR what we "think" will make the person feel better. Why we do this?? My conclusion is that we don't want to see people that we care about hurting; we want to take this pain away…but we can't…So where does that leave us? That leaves us at the same spot where we started…"Why do people die?"

I had a cousin who I think about on a regular basis who passed away four years ago this August; at the tender age of 23. My first thought is "She was so young." I wonder did she experience all the things a 23 year old should've gone through. She had so much life to live; why was she taken from us so young? How my Aunt must feel…I can't even fathom! There are days when I talk to my Aunt or my mom and we will be discussing my late cousin and they start to cry…I do my best to console them but it just doesn't seem to be enough. We pause, let each other cry; tell them that it's a good thing to remember her and continue on with the conversation. Is this the right procedure?? I don't know, death doesn't come with a rulebook. Hence the reason you hear a lot of people saying that everyone deals with it in different ways.

I personally deal with it pretty much head on; I know it's going to hurt like a son of a bitch; but I do it anyhow. Why?? I don't know; my personality I guess…denial is like the devil to me. I know he's there but I choose to go the other way; is this the right way?? I don't know; but I know that it's my way.

So, how do you explain to an 8 year old why people die? My opinion, you don't; it's one of those 'Live and Learn' things we were told about at such a young age but didn't quite understand.

Again, so where does that leave us..."Why do people die?"

I'm not saying there is a wrong and or a right way; I'm just saying…

When one door closes a window opens

The quiet streets on a Thursday morning surprise me; the music in the car soothes me, the anticipation of dropping off the final ties to my past excites me! Here I sit on this peaceful sunny warm morning thinking "…this is it; I'm done!" 30 blocks away sits a piece of my history awaiting the arrival of the pictures that I got from him only a few short days ago. I've copied them, reminiscing throughout the whole process. Thinking to myself "Why didn't I take these?"

As the street numbers increase my heart starts to beat a little faster and the thoughts keep creeping up in my head, all the "What if" questions. Do I listen, yes! Do I enjoy it, no! As I continually get closer I think to myself "I'll just run in, tell the receptionist who they are for and exit out the door." Yeah, that's a good plan…like there was any other? The flutterby's in my belly start to go in overtime; the thoughts in my mind run around like a chicken with its head cut off. I almost start to feel sick; why? I don't know?

I slowly pull into the parking lot with my heart almost racing; I grab the pictures, talk to the receptionist, drop them off and head out the door. Just as planned! I walk to the car at a moderate pace; get in, put on my seatbelt, put the car into gear and I'm off to work. Just - like - that!

I feel the instant relief of now finally 'Cutting all ties'. Not relief that was caused by my own anticipation; but the relief to know that it is now over…no more anything's. How freeing this feeling was; like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Like I could do just about anything; was it the adrenaline talking? Maybe, but it was the feeling of complete and utter freedom that I relished in. "I'm done" I say to myself as a smile slowly creeps across my face, that's it, the final piece.

And as a calm comes over me I can't help but notice the air smelled fresher, the grass looked greener and the future looked brighter!

Fork in the Road

There in the constant flow of traffic lies the fork in the road, one exit going left and one exit going right. For years I took the right exit; making my way home through all the hub-bub of the world. Not noticing anything that was in my way; nor really caring as long as I could make my way home without getting stuck in a traffic jam. Always noticing that the exit to the left was backed up, slow and well just inconvenient and then all that changed when I moved…..

At first old habits die hard and I found myself "forgetting" to take the left exit when approaching the fork; having to impromptually get into the left lane so that I could too be a part of the slowness and inconvenience of the situation. To my amazement I found that not only was it not as backed up as I had thought but the fluidity of the traffic appeared to be almost seamless. I found myself being quite surprised at just how quickly I could get from one side of the city to the other; I almost started enjoying myself…

Day after day I continued to make the long trip home and letting my sub-conscious take over and allowing myself the pleasure of letting in the poor sap ahead of me who more than likely had to make the transition from the right exit to the left exit. I've even come to terms with the fact that should the left exit get backed up, the right exit which I use to take pleasure in exiting off on has now become my 'Back-up' exit.

What once was my convenient way home has now become my secondary way home and as I drive by the exit to the right I chuckle to myself and think "Man, I was missing out on so much!"

Thank god for the fork in the road!