I moved in with my mom...without her

I Moved in With My Mom…Without Her.

October 1, 2013

It has officially been 2 months since I moved out of my house, in with a friend and now into my mom’s apartment. It has been a bit of a whirlwind to say the least, since moving out of my house I had to put my stuff into storage, as I wasn’t able to find a suitable home to buy. I have been looking and looking but haven’t seen anything that comes remotely close to what I am looking for.

I initially moved in with a girlfriend as I thought it wouldn’t be a difficult thing to buy a new home. Boy was I wrong, I decided halfway through my month of living with her that this might be a bigger challenge than I initially thought. In the meantime, I have been taking care of my mom and she unfortunately had to move out of her apartment as she was admitted to the hospital. She has been in there for quite some time and it doesn’t look like she will be leaving any time soon. After talking with her, she is the one who suggested that I move into her apartment to take care of it and get things organized. After giving it some thought, I decided that it was a good idea and I would still be close to her.

So here I was 15 days after I had moved in with my girlfriend, I was packing myself back up to move down the street into my mom’s place. I still had another 15 days to move all of my stuff so I made a lot of trips and started to get things organized for my move into my mom’s place. After talking with my mom, I decided that she was more excited for me to move into her place than I was. LOL.

I’ve been here for about a week and my mom was right, this was the best thing for me as I continue to look for a new house to buy and get her stuff organized for if/when she comes home. I can’t believe how much crap of my sister’s is hidden in this 700 square foot apartment. I have since done a purge of my mom’s closet and delivered a lot of my sister’s crap to her as well as made some runs to Goodwill. The place is coming together quite nicely and I have to say I am enjoying being here. I make a list of things I have gone through, that my mom needs to make the decision on and when I go see her at the hospital, she decides yay or nay. She laughs at my findings as she thought she threw it out or she lost it. Most things are to give away or for family; I will continue to plug away at getting this place in order and in the meantime, I am enjoying my alone time. It has taken a bit of time to get use to living in an apartment again, I haven’t shared walls with anyone since I was 19 but it will do for now and I will continue to look for a new house. Fingers crossed I can find something.

Leaving a Small Town...Again

Leaving a Small Town…Again.

August 31, 2013

Today is the last day in my house, tomorrow it gets a new owner. I have mixed emotions about it all as I am sad to leave the house that I called home for 5 years. However, I am now embarking on a new chapter in my life and I cannot wait to see where it takes me.

I moved to this city on the outskirts of Edmonton 5 years ago not knowing a soul. I know when I first moved here I was a little nervous as I wasn’t sure what to expect but I was close enough to the city that I wasn’t going to miss anything too much. The drive to my mom’s was a lot longer than it use to be, the drive to work also had an additional 15 minutes tacked on to it as well. I have to say, those were not big sellers for me.

As time went on, I found that I had adjusted really well to the small town vibe. I found all I needed and more on the main drag of town. I loved how everyone was so friendly; I loved how the stores weren’t as busy as they were in the city (Edmonton). Believe it or not, it had everything that I needed. I found that I did not shop in the city as much as I use to as I had become accustomed to the small town vibe shopping. I did not like the lines, I did not like the crowds, and I did not like waiting. I had become a small town bumpkin. LOL.

Well I hadn’t become a small town bumpkin; I just reverted back to one. I had grown up in a small town and very much enjoyed it. Everyone knew everyone and everyone knew everyone’s business. There was some give and take…but the atmosphere that it provides makes all the negative things not matter.

I enjoyed the quaintness, the peace and the harmony that I felt when I was there. I don’t think that I am going to have that again as I am moving back to the city and am already missing the small town.

I know that it is time for me to leave and I cannot live here as I stated before I am starting a new chapter of my life. This chapter just happens to live in the city; I look forward to not having an hour-long drive to attend anything. I will not miss the white-knuckle winter commutes, the extra time I needed to make the drive and the early morning starts as it took that much longer to get anywhere.

What I will miss is the peace that this place gave to me and the calmness that I felt when I had to run an errand. I know that I must move back to the city, but I also know that there is a small town girl who is going to miss this community. I will be back as its only 20 minutes away but it will definitely be missed…   

Goodbye House

Goodbye House

June 21, 2013

To say that a lot has transpired in the last five months would be an understatement. Where do I even begin?

I have been busy since last fall preparing the house to be sold; I have been packing up my stuff slowly since then and have been getting it all ready when the house sells. It is amazing how much stuff I have been able to get rid of while I pack. I feel like I am working towards a clean slate as I continue to fix things that need to be fixed in the house. Sadly, this is a task that I have had to take on alone, the Ex Mr. is nowhere to be found and despite our amicable break-up, I am soooooooooo over the notion of us ever being friends.

Not only have I been tasked with packing mine and his sh*t up, I am also in the process of taking care of my mom (which has taken a turn for the worse) and working full time. I swear I do not know how I am even functioning, I am being pulled from every angle and it is starting to take its toll.

Needless to say, in all of this mess and chaos…I was able to sell the house. Turns out, not only did I stage, de-clutter and fix everything in the house to sell it. I was also taking care of my ailing mother, working full time and trying to have a life at the same time. Who needs a man?!?! (That last statement was aimed towards my Ex)

Now that I have sold the house and need to be out of here by the end of August, I am a little sad. This house was suppose to be my ‘forever’ house. It was my labour of love and I bought it at a time when I thought that to be true.

Sadly, here I sit…happy that I sold the house because it will be the last thing that binds me to the Ex. Also sad as this represented a completely different lifestyle that I thought I would be living. I guess sometimes, happily ever after just is not always in the cards.

This house was good to me and I do have some good memories here. I will always think of this as my labour of love home and will cherish it forever. Therefore, goodbye house and I hope you will be as good to the new owners as you were to me.

So much for the 'We Found It' blog post.  http://lifeafter30withtan.blogspot.com/2008/08/we-found-it.html

Cut...for the very first time.

Cut…for the very first time

January 6, 2013

I got the phone call on a dreary Sunday afternoon in January, why was my coach calling me I asked myself. I had just seen him the day before at our team practice and we chatted; maybe he forgot to tell me something I thought. After our quick pleasantries and discussion about yesterday’s practice, I noticed he started to stammer and stutter. I tried to follow along in the conversation and asked a few questions as he finally came out with it…”I’ve never done this before, and don’t really know how to say it”. My curiosity was piqued now and I waited patiently for him to get out the words…as I waited, I thought, “how bad could it be”? I meant for that to be a rhetorical question and then he said it, “You’re cut from the team”. What, I thought. How is this possible? I was just at practice yesterday, and there were not any signs that I could see. After a long silence from me, I asked some of these questions and he was kind enough to answer all of them. It did not have anything to do with my attitude, my personality or my skill. I just was not in the plan for “the direction that they were going”. I was a little confused by this and asked what direction it was that they were headed…it was age, meaning that they were going for a younger demographic. With me being 37 at the time, I could see what they meant by it but my gut wasn’t ‘buying’ it. When the conversation was finished, he had hung up the phone as I stood there still holding it in my hand. I was in shock, I was in disbelief, I was numb. Had this really just happened? Was I really just ‘cut’ from an adult slo-pitch team? How did this happen?

All of these questions were swirling through my head and I could not make heads or tails of it…I just stood there dumbfounded. I immediately called my girlfriend and teammate and found that as I described the scene to her, I broke down and cried. Yes, I was a grown ass woman and I broke down and cried. I don’t know if it was because I never experienced being let go from anything before OR if it had to do with my break-up 6 months ago. I suspect it was the latter as my conversation went on with my friend, I heard myself say things like “I can’t stay on a team of misfits, no wonder I couldn’t make a relationship work”. It was a low point for me and I was releasing any last emotions that I had carried forward from my break-up.

Once the realization started to sink in, I also thought to myself that I had never been cut from anything before. I had played sports all my life and never once was I on the end of the girls who did not make the team. This was also a new discovery for me and what a feeling it was…I was down, then up, and then down again. So many questions go through your mind and you start to wonder what you did wrong and how to improve so that you don’t have to go through this again.

In the end, being cut from the team helped me to get a workout program started and overall I became a better player. Being able to keep up with and sometimes surpass the 20 year olds, makes me feel like a million bucks. It was a lesson that I learned later in life but one that I will always remember.

How Do You Know?

How Do You Know?

December 31, 2012

You know that ability to read people in their actions, thoughts and responses. Well I wish I could turn that part of me off…

Most people would say it’s a good thing to be able to ‘read’ people, I on the other hand might have to disagree. It’s all fine and dandy when you can read someone when good things are happening, but when bad things are happening, well…it’s not so good. This is when someone can break your heart with one look or one off the cuff comment. You can look into their eyes and see to their soul. It’s as though they don’t want to do it but they know they have to. Deep down you know they have to as well but you’re not ready to hear it yet, I hate the way that makes me feel, so exposed, so vulnerable, so heartbroken. I just want to cry.

That’s when I wish I could just shut that part of my brain off for a little while and live in what I like to call ‘make believe land’. It seems like it would be nicer to be completely oblivious to people’s actions and thoughts. I know that there are many people who live this way; they just do not have a clue. You wonder how they can function in the ‘real world’ and how they can even tie their own shoelaces.  I guess the benefit to this is that they do not experience the heartbreak or disappointment. They are just as surprised at the outcome as everyone else is, is this a better way to function?

I cannot say for sure either way, I guess that is just a part of being human but I could do without the hurt.

I Now Have a Dependant

I Now Have a Dependant

November 22, 2012

During this time in my life, not only was I going through the healing process of my 6-year relationship ending but I was also discovering that my mom was starting to need more care. My mom has always been a big part of my life; she has been a supporter of my choices and me. Since I have had some free time on my hands I have been spending, more time with her as her health has started to deteriorate and her needs are becoming larger.

Back in 2008, my mom suffered from a bowel blockage that she never really seemed to recover from. Turns out that there was some excess scar tissue that got stuck in her intestines and she then had some of her intestines removed to get rid of the blockage. She had lost quite a bit of weight quite quickly and her arthritis seemed to aggressively attack all of her joints.  After the surgery, she never fully recovered from it mentally and continued to be very tiny. We tried to get her weight back up to normal but everything we tried was just unsuccessful. As time went on, she continued to get worse and worse and was almost at the point where she was house bound.

This is where my free time and I come into play; I started to accompany her to all her appointments and increased my weekly visits to every other day. I noticed things that she use to be able to do she just was not able to muster the energy to get them done. Her spirits were still upbeat but she was not able to hide how she had deteriorated. The doctor appointments will continue and I have since gotten her some help around the house and a house cleaner. I do her shopping and go to hang out with her during the week and weekend. I pick up her laundry and bring it back to my place, I do her grocery shopping and I just do what I can for her.

The feeling to take care of her overwhelms me as I sometimes do not know where to begin and we are both learning what is going on with her and why her health has gone so downhill. I just hope that we can get her on the right track so that she is able to recover and move past all of this. I just keep telling her not to give up and to work hard. I just hope that I can find the strength to continue with this rollercoaster of emotions.

For now, all my focus and attention is on her and my break-up is on the backburner. I do what I can when I can. I guess things happen for a reason and maybe this free time that I have can be better spent taking care of my mama.

My New Whip!

My New Whip

October 26, 2012

It has been a few days now since I decided to buy myself a new toy, it was definitely NOT a necessity but a statement. What kind of statement you ask, well it was a statement of my independence of course. It has been a few months since I ended things with the Mr. and I have been on a journey of discovering who I am and where I am going. Don’t get me wrong, I am still the same person I was before. I am just a little more brave and gaining more confidence as I am forced to be a more independent person than I was before.

I have to say, I am really starting to come into my own and I like the person that I am becoming. I do things that I normally thought I could not do and I am actually enjoying doing them. I believe that this is part of my healing process; I know that they are all different for everyone but mine is a nice journey of discovery. Which leads me to the purchase of my new ride, at the time I was driving a very reliable and sturdy vehicle. It was a 1994 Toyota Camry; it was paid in full and running like a dream. As you can see, I did NOT need a new vehicle…I wanted a new vehicle.

I started my search like any new car buyer, I wanted everything. Problem was, I could not afford everything. I test drove so many new vehicles that I started to get discouraged that I was not going to find one. I discussed my problem with a co-worker who just happened to have a cousin working at a dealership and I decided why not, what could it hurt? To my amazement, I fell in love with the vehicle I test drove and decided right then and there that I was going to buy it. It is funny, as it did not have all the gadgets or upgrades that a new vehicle has. It had just want I wanted and needed at the time. After some thought, I realized that this was another step in my healing process and journey to independence. It wasn’t what the vehicle had, just that it fulfilled my need to buy it and say indirectly, “I don’t need you, and I can do this on my own”.

I get to pick it up in a few days and I can’t wait, as I am beyond excited. This is such an amazing step in my healing and growth, I can’t wait to see what awaits me even further down the road.