Jealous Again

Jealous Again

December 17, 2017

My cousins daughter in law posted her maternity photos today and as beautiful as they were I can’t help but feel a pang of jealousy and hurt. Don’t get me wrong she was beautiful and I was super happy for her but I just have visions of the ones I didn’t get done.

I had them scheduled and was prepared to go out in the cold and have them done…problem was both the photographer and I cancelled as the weather was so terrible. The next day my babes wanted to join us in the outside world. They didn’t want to wait the few extra weeks they were suppose to, they wanted to be with us.

As much as I loved seeing my babies and cuddling them and holding them…I still wished that I had gotten some maternity photos done. I wished that I had even taken more pictures of myself and my baby bump. I wished that I had more of a record…

I know that I can’t go back in time but just this once I wish that I could. I know when I was pregnant I felt like every woman, huge and disgusting. I know it’s a weird thing that we women go through. We are taught our whole lives that skinny is what we want to be and for the majority of our lives we are. Then we get pregnant and fat, huge even. To us this is when we feel at our worst, we can’t fully appreciate the miracle of child rearing until we’ve gone through it once. But by then it’s too late, all those memories that we wanted to capture are long gone and we can never get them back.

I wished that I had a friend who would’ve told me all this so that I wouldn’t have been late to the party and had this regret. I think I’m taking it especially hard are I don’t have regrets in my life and this one is a pretty big one to have.

Maybe one day I’ll get over it but for now, that time ain’t happening anytime soon.

And then there were four...

And then there were four…

December 1, 2017

They finally arrived, I had ordered them a week ago and I couldn’t wait for their arrival. I took some time but when I saw them I knew that they were the ones. I unwrapped them and to my surprise they were pretty boring but I could put stuff on them and most importantly, I could hang our Christmas stockings on them. Yes, they were stocking holders…who would think that they would be such a pain in the ass to find some that weren’t totally gawdy looking and that went with any theme should I decide to change it up.

I put them on the mantle and then I got to hang up the stockings as they were the final touch for the mantel this year. I hung up the stockings and then it dawned on me that I hadn’t ever hung up 4 stockings before. I had only ever had the ones for the Mr. and I. But this year was different as I got to hang all the stockings up for the Mr. the boys and myself.

My heart skipped a beat a little bit as a smiled crossed my face. I can’t tell you how happy that made me. I think because there was a point in time that I didn’t think that I was going to have anything other than furbabies.

I stood back and admired my handiwork and thought to myself, I love that I have a family to do this for now. I know my babes are just little and this is only their second Christmas but I want to make each and every one special for them. I want them to love Christmas as much as I do and to appreciate all the little things.

To me, having four stockings to hang will always be a happy thing for me. If there happens to be another one to hang, so be it…but for now I will appreciate and love what I have.

Christmas Baking

Christmas Baking

November 29, 2017

Today is the day scheduled for my girlfriend and I to get our Christmas baking done. Despite us doing this for many years together it always seems like it takes forever and that it’s a monumental task. This year was no different but it seemed like we might have finally fine tuned our timing.

As we were taking turns rotating cookie sheets and icing whatever it was that needed to be iced a Christmas carol came on. What do you know it was my mom and grandma’s favourite Christmas song,  ‘Pretty Paper’ by Roy Orbison.

I am not kidding you every time that I hear this song, I instantly think of my mom and grandma. I told my girlfriend this and was explaining to her how my grandmother would stay up all night Christmas eve and prepare the Christmas feast for the family. How she would set the table with her pretty linens and fancy dishes and would listen to Christmas carols.

I wasn’t around for all of this but these are the memories that my mom had of her mom and she loved to share them with me. I liked that she passed these little stories from her childhood down to me. At least when I do something Christmasy, I know where I might have gotten it from.

Anyhow as I’m telling this story to my girlfriend we were on opposite ends of the kitchen and I must’ve stopped what I was doing and started to stare into space as I was telling her this story as I realized that I was starting at her fridge. I stopped and looked over at my friend and said “wow, I can’t believe that I didn’t cry when I told you that story”. To my dismay, it was my girlfriend who was crying and in her tears said “that was such a beautiful story”.

I think it is too and after some consoling on my part I agreed with her and said but it’s a happy story that I can carry the tradition on. I think both my mom and grandma would be proud. I suspect that every time my girlfriend hears that song she will think of my mom and grandma and me. I’m glad that I could be a part of a story that has been going on for three generations now.

Cartoons can bring back memories to, who knew?

Cartoons can bring back memories too, who knew?

November 12, 2017

Now that I have little my television watching has definitely changed, long gone are the days of CSI or NCIS or whatever other acronym crime drama is on now. Now my evenings and weekends are full of Disney Junior and Treehouse. It use to be Treehouse but as I evolved as a parent so did the selection of cartoon channels.

The boys have their favourites, some old and some new but overall they’re cartoons and something to entertain them with. I usually have them on in the background for noise or in the hopes that something might catch their eye and slow them down just a little bit. Sometimes it works and other times it doesn’t.

One Saturday morning I had the boys up and the opening theme to ‘Go Diego Go’ came on and I stopped drinking my tea and had a little bit of a daydream about me on my mat leave with the boys last winter. That show was on back to back to back at one point in time and I remember the boys being somewhat interested in it.

They glanced at the screen as they probably recognized the theme as well and then went back to what they were destroying at that moment. I chuckled a little bit and was also sad as I remember them being in their ‘circle of neglect’ bouncing up and down, getting excited about the toys attached to this contraption. They were so teeny tiny them and my heart skipped a beat as I realized they are growing up way too quickly. This was only last winter for crying out loud and now they’re little terrorists.

They’re into everything and anything they can get their hands on. Both smart as a whip but curious nonetheless. Who knew that the opening song to a cartoon could make me think back to the winter before when all my waking hours were spent with my little munchkins. Makes me almost want to have another little one…but then again I’m happy with the two that I have right now.

The Last Piece of Bread

The Last Piece of Bread

October 26, 2017

I decided to make some toast this morning and grabbed the loaf of bread or I guess what was left of the bread. It was the end piece (the heel) and the second slice in, at first I wasn’t going to use the bread and realized that I had been throwing the ends of the bread out. I don’t know when that changed or what happened that made me think that I could be one of those people who can just throw out good food.

I think the reason this is a little bit of a big deal is that I didn’t grow up with a whole lot of things. We were a one income family as my dad insisted on being the bread winner and wanted my mom to be at home for us. We would go shopping once every two weeks and the food had to last us until the next paycheque came. So to us, we wouldn’t even give it another thought to not eat the end piece of the bread, in fact I think there were times we fought over that piece of bread and here I am years later just wasting it and throwing it out.

Now that I have kids of my own, I want them to appreciate the food that we work hard for and don’t want them to waste things. I want them to know that we work hard for our money and everything we buy. I want them to also work hard for things and also appreciate things so that they won’t waste things either. How do I do that when they see me throwing out the end piece of the bread…as they will think that is a normal thing and I don’t want them think that’s ok.

Amazing how a piece of bread can make you really think things through. Every time I make toast or a sandwich I will always make sure to use the end piece of the bread. I hope that I can pass this along to my kids so that they can appreciate things, food and everything that we work hard for.

Wow, the last piece of bread…so insightful.

Sad to see you go

Sad to see you go

October 17, 2017

I was saddened to hear that Sears had announced that it’s starting to liquidate it’s stock, the final nail in the coffin. The media had made it sound like there might have been hope for Sears to recover initially but sadly that wasn’t the case. A pang of sadness passed through me as I explained in one of my earlier blogs that I had worked there and it was a very big help for me financially and emotionally.

I enjoyed the time I worked there, the people and the atmosphere. Not only was I an employee there but I also shopped there. I shopped there on a regular basis, not only when I worked there but afterwards.

But the biggest thing that I use to look forward to from Sears was the ‘Wishbook’. I don’t think that I was alone in this. I would eagerly wait to get the Wishbook each and every fall, not only as a kid but as an adult. There was always something I could order in the catalogue that was only specific to the holiday season. It was something that wasn’t in rotation throughout the year and wasn’t overly priced. There was always so much to see and no matter how many times you went through the Wishbook you would still peruse through it again and again.

As a kid I would mark the pages and circle the items that I wanted or ‘wished’ to get. I can totally understand why it was called a Wishbook…I think that is what I will miss the most when Sears is gone.

I don’t know what will ever replace that as online shopping just isn’t the same. I feel like I’m getting so old as a lot of the things that I use to find as part of my generations lives are disappearing. I just wish we weren’t losing the Wishbook.

Ella you little bitch

Ella you little bitch!

October 5, 2017

After the boys went to sleep the Mr. and I were sitting down to relax before we hit the hay as well and the cat that I inherited from my mom decided to come down for some pets. She made her way to the Mr. but just as he was about to pet her she ran away. The Mr. looked at her and said “Ella, you little bitch”. I stopped dead in my tracks, as that is exactly what my mom use to call her cat.

The reason that it caught me by surprise was that yes that is verbatim what my mom use to call her. Not only that the Mr. never met my mom, ever. He never had the opportunity to meet her or see with her cat, that is why it surprised me and stopped me dead in my tracks.

I found it funny that the Mr. would call her that and I decided to ask him why he called her that and his response was pretty simple. “Because she is a little bitch”. I remember back in the day I had asked my mom the same question and oddly enough she said the same thing. How odd that these two people who never met but have me and this cat in common have come to the same conclusion about this cat.

I know that it’s an odd thing but something that happened to catch my attention at the time it happened. Despite my mom never meeting the Mr. this just makes me feel like I made the right decision that they both had the same sick sense of humour. I think she would’ve liked him and sometimes I wonder if she’s secretly sending messages through him.

Weird yes, unexpected, no. In the end, Ella really is a little bitch and I like that she’s kept that name even though my mom is gone. I know my mom would be happy that her cat is happy and is still her ‘little bitch’.