Goodbye Gord Downie

Goodbye Gord Downie

December 31, 2017

I like many was in shock to hear that the lead singer of The Tragically Hip, Gord Downie was diagnosed with brain cancer. The reason this comes up tonight is that we decided to finally watch the documentary ‘Long Time Running’. It was very emotional to watch not only because of the things that the band had to go through but there were some scenes in there that reminded me of when my brother almost died.

Back in 1997 my brother had gotten into an accident, my cousin was driving and as usual he was always trying to show off and speed like normal…only this time my brother almost died because of it. It was terrible and I would never want to wish that on anyone, I remember the uncontrollable screaming coming from the ER until they could sedate him. I remember sleeping at his bedside in the ICU, I remember seeing his frail body in the hospital bed. I remember him waking up and not having control over his body or his eyes. I remember him standing up on his bed, I remember him crying telling my mom that my sister and I wouldn’t be back. I remember it all and frankly I hated every stinking memory.

This documentary brought me back to a time when we didn’t know what the outcome was going to be. We didn’t know if or when my brother was going to leave the hospital, we didn’t know if he was ever going to be able to do things for himself again. It was horrible. I could see how beaten up and broken Gord was in this documentary and I remember seeing that in my brother. Not only were we upset about what was happening but so were the victims.

I had to turn away a few times as I just couldn’t bear to watch some parts as they hit a little too close to home for me. They took me to a place that I had left behinds so long ago. The things that Gord was saying made me want to cry for him but also for my brother. You start to hurt for people when you know that they are going through a hard time. Sadly though, in this documentary we know what the ending was…

But with my brother I think about all the work he put into himself and how he has recovered. He is an amazing person and the things he can do still amaze me. I’m sure there are some things that he struggles with today but you wouldn’t ever know. He has truly come a long way and I’m happy for that. I’m sad that the world has lost such an amazing person but I’m glad that my brother was able to persevere.

Jealous Again

Jealous Again

December 17, 2017

My cousins daughter in law posted her maternity photos today and as beautiful as they were I can’t help but feel a pang of jealousy and hurt. Don’t get me wrong she was beautiful and I was super happy for her but I just have visions of the ones I didn’t get done.

I had them scheduled and was prepared to go out in the cold and have them done…problem was both the photographer and I cancelled as the weather was so terrible. The next day my babes wanted to join us in the outside world. They didn’t want to wait the few extra weeks they were suppose to, they wanted to be with us.

As much as I loved seeing my babies and cuddling them and holding them…I still wished that I had gotten some maternity photos done. I wished that I had even taken more pictures of myself and my baby bump. I wished that I had more of a record…

I know that I can’t go back in time but just this once I wish that I could. I know when I was pregnant I felt like every woman, huge and disgusting. I know it’s a weird thing that we women go through. We are taught our whole lives that skinny is what we want to be and for the majority of our lives we are. Then we get pregnant and fat, huge even. To us this is when we feel at our worst, we can’t fully appreciate the miracle of child rearing until we’ve gone through it once. But by then it’s too late, all those memories that we wanted to capture are long gone and we can never get them back.

I wished that I had a friend who would’ve told me all this so that I wouldn’t have been late to the party and had this regret. I think I’m taking it especially hard are I don’t have regrets in my life and this one is a pretty big one to have.

Maybe one day I’ll get over it but for now, that time ain’t happening anytime soon.

And then there were four...

And then there were four…

December 1, 2017

They finally arrived, I had ordered them a week ago and I couldn’t wait for their arrival. I took some time but when I saw them I knew that they were the ones. I unwrapped them and to my surprise they were pretty boring but I could put stuff on them and most importantly, I could hang our Christmas stockings on them. Yes, they were stocking holders…who would think that they would be such a pain in the ass to find some that weren’t totally gawdy looking and that went with any theme should I decide to change it up.

I put them on the mantle and then I got to hang up the stockings as they were the final touch for the mantel this year. I hung up the stockings and then it dawned on me that I hadn’t ever hung up 4 stockings before. I had only ever had the ones for the Mr. and I. But this year was different as I got to hang all the stockings up for the Mr. the boys and myself.

My heart skipped a beat a little bit as a smiled crossed my face. I can’t tell you how happy that made me. I think because there was a point in time that I didn’t think that I was going to have anything other than furbabies.

I stood back and admired my handiwork and thought to myself, I love that I have a family to do this for now. I know my babes are just little and this is only their second Christmas but I want to make each and every one special for them. I want them to love Christmas as much as I do and to appreciate all the little things.

To me, having four stockings to hang will always be a happy thing for me. If there happens to be another one to hang, so be it…but for now I will appreciate and love what I have.