Welcome Home Little Ones!

Welcome Home Little Ones!

April 8 & 14, 2016

We got to bring our little ones home…on two separate days, a week apart. Yes, you read that right…two separate days. Initially we were a little surprised as we have always been together with them day in and day out. So to separate them was like tearing a piece of my heart out. We did try to get them to release both boys together but our little one needed just a little bit more time in the NICU. So we took home baby A and man oh man it was so surreal having him home…even just the one. I had never had any babies at my house before, let alone my own baby. Needless to say the first night was a little rough and scary, I had purchased a few of the Angel monitors that you can put in the babies bassinets and cribs and it will tell you if there is no movement in either one. I know it sounds a little extreme however when your babes are in the NICU for 40+ days attached to wires and you see them not remembering to breath…you tend to get a little paranoid. It was a very hard transition I tell you as we had been use to the hospital taking care of them overnight and we took care of them all day. Which meant I got to sleep a solid 7 hours…so waking every 3 to feed and pump was a little tiring. I felt even worse when I couldn’t get my big one ready to head out to the hospital to go and see my little one regularly. It was honestly the worst feeling in the world…how could I be in two places for my babes.

Luckily just short of a week later, we got permission to take my little one home with us. This made us feel complete and I have to say I was quite happy to not have to run back and forth with my babes everyday. Bringing him home was another transition but he was less demanding so it wasn’t too terrible. I was just happy to have us all under one roof, doing our best at this parenting thing.

Looking back on it now, I can see why they only released one of my babies to us. It gave us the time to get into a routine and it was a pretty harsh reality for first time parents. We went from having all the luxury time in the world to now having that time demanded by babes. It was a real eye opener, I suspect having just one new baby would be tough but having two…now that is scary. I thank the nurses everyday silently that they gave us that time to adjust so that bringing home my second babe wasn’t so bad. I suspect with most parents they release only one so that it’s an easier transition for them. I couldn’t see it at the time but it was definitely the way to do it.

Now to get use to the waking up every 3 hours on the hour and feeding my hungry boys. My oh my has life changed. I am so incredibly happy and also so not sure of what to do. I thank goodness I have the support of my significant other and other people. Wow, it’s really sinking in now that I’m a parent to twins…how lucky am I?

Am I to Blame?

Am I to Blame?

April 2, 2016

It has been officially a month since my babes made their debut into the world and what a debut it has been. It has been love at first sight since they decided they wanted to come 7 weeks early; what can I say…the babes want to be cuddled and loved.

It has been a never-ending learning experience for us newbie parents, we come to the NICU everyday and sit with them. We do a lot of skin on skin contact with them for most of the day; we can’t seen to get enough of them. This has been our normal everyday lives, there are other little things that creep up but for the most part we are here at the hospital loving and protecting them.

Everyday as I grab one of my babies, I rest him on my chest and listen to him breathe…in and out. There are times that there are blips on the monitor and maybe I need to poke them as they’re just a little too comfortable and forget to breathe. I kiss them and hug them and just stare at them in awe…I look at their dad and think, we created these two little humans. These little ones were in my belly, kicking and moving and basically preparing me for no sleep.

I smile as I think about these things and yet I have a nagging feeling in the back of my mind. I wonder if I did something that caused them to come early. Should I maybe have just continued with the bed rest, should I have admitted myself to the hospital to ensure that I kept them in longer. It is a feeling of guilt that I carry around with me since the day they were born, it seems to be the natural mommy protection mode. I can’t seem to shake it and always wonder, could I have done anything different to prevent my babies from coming 7 weeks early?

I stare at them as we’re in the NICU and wonder to myself, what should I have done differently? I have asked a few of the nurses here and they’re really good about telling me that it wasn’t my fault they came early…they just did. I know that they’ve probably heard it all before and are just trying to put my mind at ease. I know what they are saying is true and that I may not have been able to do anything to prevent them from coming early. But that doesn’t stop the guilt from coming each and every day. There are days that are harder than others in the NICU…and I wonder, did I do that? Did I make it difficult for my babies as they’re here early? Will there be long term side affects? Will this just be a blip in the radar as time goes on? How do I get rid of the guilt? Will I ever get rid of the guilt?

I can’t answer that last question but I know that I feel it everyday…