Do we or don't we?

Do We or Don’t We?

November 20, 2015

Today is the day, I am 18 weeks pregnant and I have an ultrasound scheduled to see what the sex of the babies are. It has taken some time for us to wrap our heads around the fact that we are having twins…let along know what we are having. We tossed and turned about finding out the sex as we were torn but because we had to think of two baby names, we wanted to get a head start on it and not be fumbling at the last minute.

The first baby wasn’t as cooperative as we were hoping, it took a bit of time but once we got the right angle and another million pictures were taken…we discovered our first baby was going to be a boy! We were pretty happy as I had suspected since the day I discovered I was pregnant that I was having a boy.

We then moved on to baby ‘b’, this one was a little more difficult and time consuming. This little one did not want to cooperate…I turned this way and that way and tried to see if I could get the little one to move…but with no avail.

The tech decided to try another technique and low and behold once she did whatever she did, my little one agreed to cooperate. There in all it’s glory was my 20 week old baby, in my belly with it’s legs spread as wide as could be to show us another little penis…I was going to have two little boys.

I can’t tell you the joy I felt when I found out what they were, like I said I would’ve been good with whatever as long as they’re healthy and happy. When the Mr. discovered that we weren’t having a little girl, he was a little upset. I asked him if he was ok and he said yes…just would’ve been nice to have a little princess. I felt horrible after that as I never thought about it that way, I guess it’s true…all daddy’s want a little princess. We discussed trying again after these two are a bit bigger but we agreed this is a conversation for another time. Right now, I just want to focus on the fact that I’m having two little boys…now to start thinking of names.

I Guess I Can Go Back

I Guess I Can Go Back…

November 8, 2015

I was scheduled for an additional blood test and regular ultrasound, but they were scheduled at the hospital where my mom had passed away. I haven’t been there since that happened and I have to tell you I was a little nervous about going there.

The hospital where my mom passed away was the hospital where I was born. I was very nervous to go as I didn’t know what memories would come flooding back to me. I didn’t know if I was going to break down and cry or what my reaction might be. I was pregnant now and I have heard that lots of pregnant women get very emotional. So needless to say I was a little worried.

The day of the appointment, I made the familiar drive and parked across the street. As I made my way up to the doors, my stomach did a few flips and flops and my heart started to race a little. I made my way through the sliding doors and inhaled the familiar scent of disinfectant and sick people…I did not miss that. Luckily for me I was in a ward where my mom had briefly stayed but it was a positive stay so the memories weren’t so traumatic. I sat waiting for my appointment and was thinking back to all the trips I had made here and all the time I spent behind walls. I was taken back to what felt like a whole other life. Parts of things I could remember but other parts, not so much.

I don’t know if my time away from this place helped me to file those memories away and heal but I know that being there wasn’t so bad. Despite me having bad memories of the last time I walked out of here with my mom’s belongings in plastic bags. I wasn’t as upset as I thought I might be.

Maybe it was time that helped me to see that this place wasn’t so bad, I don’t know. But whatever it was, it made this visit here that much easier. I’m glad that I’ve come to terms with the last time I walked outside of these walls and I know that I can come back here and not be afraid to be overwhelmed by sad memories.