Trust

How can one word have so much weight? This five letter word literally makes or breaks you…

The reason I am thinking about trust is because I met a friend tonight, one that I haven’t seen in 2 years. No, we don’t live in different countries or provinces; in fact we live 40 minutes away from each other. She is the one that (you may recall from a previous blog Losing a Friend ) where we had a falling out due to a miscommunication. I was heartbroken at the fact of losing her out of my life. She and I were finally able to reconnect and managed to get together.

At first there was this awkwardness of something not being 100% but after more prying, talking, laughing and sharing we were able to take a step closer to getting back on track. I’m not naïve, I know that this is going to require a lot of work and I’m up for the challenge. However I also realize that it’s a two way street and I can’t overcompensate for things done in the past. She needs to give a little as well if we’re going to make this work.

But looking back on what happened I can’t seem to rid myself of the guilt of NOT being there for her and her daughter. How selfish of me! I am very angry with myself and despite my brain telling my heart a logical explanation; I still can’t get over the guilt. I grapple with this every time I think of my friend and her family. I just can’t seem to forgive myself…which leads me to think that maybe she can’t either?

I ask myself constantly “How does one get rid of the guilt?” I don’t know says the timid voice in my heart, as I try to think of something else to distract myself with. So now I pose the question to you “How does one get rid of the guilt?”

Will our friendship ever be the same? I don’t know. I really want to believe that it will be but only time will tell. I will continue with keeping the lines of communication open and make the effort to get to know her kids and forgive myself for not being there and most of all gain some patience throughout this whole experience.

As I continue to contemplate the whole scenario, I have an epiphany…I realize that it’s ME who doesn’t trust ME. I realize that I’m asking the wrong questions and think “…if I can’t trust myself, how can I expect her to trust me?” As I silently contemplate my new found knowledge, I wonder “How can I trust myself again so that she can trust me again?”

Away I Go...

Sitting here staring at the planes coming and going I can’t help but wonder…did I bring everything I need for my trip? I recall the last look at my over packed suitcase thinking to myself, I brought too much. How am I ever going to bring back the stuff that I buy down there? I know for sure I have a pair of golf cleats down there waiting for me. As for the rest of my yet to purchase treasures, I’ll make the room.

I must say I am anticipating packing my suitcase for the ride home; if it was anything like packing my suitcase to come down here I’ll have to laugh. Currently I have $65.00 worth of chocolate bars (available only in Canada) in my suitcase as a gift for my friend. As I was stuffing each individual chocolate bar in every nook and cranny I could find; I was wondering if these measly chocolate bars would put me over the weight limit. I continually kept lifting my suitcase hoping and praying each time that they didn’t make that much of a weight difference.

Something else crosses my mind as a convoy of luggage zooms by to be loaded onto an airplane; I wasn’t able to put a lock on my suitcase. The rules of the airline clearly state in regards to adding locks to suitcases (and I quote) “…we’ll cut the lock off if/when we search your bag.” Yikes! Then I start to imagine the scene in my head where I do get pulled over and they search my bag and discover all of these chocolate bars. They’ll wonder ‘how’ crazy is this person and ‘when’ is she going to snap? I immediately think of the worst…I think of how they’ll put my on the list to have my bags checked every single time I fly anywhere. Then I think, they could put me on the ‘No Fly’ list, how awful would that be? Then I imagine the customs agents hauling me away in handcuffs…then I remember something brilliant, I did indeed declare them on my US customs form. Then they’ll have to let me and my chocolate bars in right? Well now that I’ve worked myself up into a frenzy; I head off to security to see what surprises they have for me there. Wish me luck!

Just a quick update 2 hours later, I successfully went through customs with no questions asked…now to think about what I can smuggle in!