Like
a Ton of Bricks
October 20, 2014
It’s
12:16AM October 20th, my 39th birthday. This is my first
birthday without my mom. I’m lying in bed crying because I miss her and the
reality of it hits me like a ton of bricks. The only image I have in my head is
the one of her passing away. It was and still isn’t a pleasant memory for me.
Death is so final and the fact that she is gone saddens me to the core of my
heart. My mom, my poor mom…why did she have to go? I miss her so much, the
thought of it makes my heart literally ache. I have to admit, I’m lying here
hoping for some sort of sign from her. Do I believe in signs? Yes. Have they happened
to me? Yes, I think so. Do I want one to happen more than anything in the world
right now? Yes.
Why do I
need a sign? What will it prove? Nothing…maybe, or maybe I just want to feel
close to her again.
A co-worker
of mine just recently lost her mom and asked me today if it gets any
better…initially I said yes. But then I told her the truth, time doesn’t make
it better or hurt any less. I wish I could tell her it helps but right now I
can’t say for certain that it does. As I continue to cry thinking about my mom
and her obvious absence this year…I just wonder if I’ll ever start to feel
better.
